We come back to see the camera view rushing down the hall of the USXWF Arena. Directly ahead is the bulky, black-clothed form of the USXWF's Head of Security, Robert Dorian. As he runs, loud crashing sounds can be heard, emanating nearby. Dorian rounds a corner and stops in front of a doorway with a large chicken painted on the front. Dorian opens the door.

Inside, the Jester is seen, holding Mike the Chicken Eater's old three-foot-long plastic chicken and pounding it into the old shrine they had built for the tag-team belts. As the view watches, the plastic chicken shatters. The Jester then begins kicking at the structure, and pieces of plywood and cardboard break off and fly around the room.

TETE: My God, it looks like the Jester has dropped the other shoe?

FLOYD: "Other shoe"? You mean, shoe number 349?

TETE: The split of the Sideshow must have gotten to him more than he lets on...

FLOYD: Nah, that's not it... he just realized that he should have used more of a puce on that stupid shrine of his.

Dorian watches the destruction without interrupting. The Jester continues his howling, not noticing that he's being watched. He grabs a big chunk of plastic and hurls it at the TV, causing the cathode-ray tube inside to explode. Pieces of glass and debris fly across the room, imbedding several light cuts on the Jester's face and hands, but he ignores those.

After a few moments, Dorian pulls the door closed and leaves the scene, giving a "What the...?" look to the camera. The view fades out...

TETE: This has got to be one of the most puzzling, extreme, emotion-filled nights in the history of wrestling.

FLOYD: I dunno, that one time that the guy slept with his girlfriend's mother was pretty intense.

TETE: That was the Jerry Springer show.

FLOYD: Oh yeah... hey, Papa, by the way... you wouldn’t happen to have a program handy, would you?

TETE: No, why?

FLOYD: I forgot what match is coming up next.

TETE: Oh. Um… well, I think the next entrance theme will clear that up pretty fast.

FLOYD: Huh? What’s that supposed to mean?

Suddenly, "Oops, I Did It Again" blasts across the speakers, and two white rows of fireworks start shooting up.

FLOYD: Noooo!!! Dammit, not this idiot!

TETE: That’s right, the Hardcore Title is on the line, with Dino Fischetti of Dirty Deeds putting it on the line against newcomer James Sharp and La Parka in a deadly 3-way match.

La Parka appears at the top of the ramp and stands in between the two rows of white fireworks along with his steel chair raised above his head. He marches down the ramp and awaits his opponents.

The lights suddenly go out, and a huge boom is heard, and "Hot Dog" by Limp Bizkit starts playing. James Sharp bolts out of the curtains and charges down the ramp. La Parka poises his chair to hit James as soon as he gets in the ring, but James springs himself off the top rope and nails La Parka with a missile dropkick. La Parka anticipates the move and is able to block it. James gets to his feet and La Parka and he start exchanging blows.

TETE: Now, all we’re missing is the champion. He doesn’t want to lose his belt by forfeit, does he?

James Sharp pushes La Parka back to the ropes and clotheslines him over. La Parka rises to his knees, but a pair of hands comes out from underneath the ring and pulls La Parka underneath. Tete and Floyd look puzzled, and the sounds of fists hitting flesh and La Parka’s exclamations are heard. James merely crosses his arms and taps his feet impatiently.

FLOYD: What the bloody hell was that? Who, or what, is beating the hell out of La Parka?

TETE: The Phantom of the USXWF?

FLOYD: Lame, Tete. Very lame. Even for you.

The arms appear once again, grasping the apron and pulling. A body rises up and we can all see that it is Dino Fischetti.

TETE: Holy crap! Sharp set up La Parka for that vicious attack by the Hardcore Champion!

Sharp jumps between the ropes, and he and Fischetti approach each other and shake hands, smiling wickedly. They both suddenly turn around towards the ring. Quicker than a snake can strike, La Parka’s chair comes swinging out from under the ring with lightning fast speed and hits both Dino and James. They both fall to the ground with gashes in their foreheads, and La Parka fully emerges, his arms raised triumphantly.

TETE: Wow! La Parka just demonstrated "La Windbreaker," his God-like chair shot! I think he could win right here, folks!

La Parka hooks the leg of the fallen champion and the ref counts 1…2… James manages to boot the back of La Parka’s head, breaking up the pin. He then quickly hooks his arms around La Parka’s head, and traps him with a leg-scissor hold.

TETE: Sharp now, using his special submission maneuver, the Seek and Destroy. Very effective, but someone should tell him you can’t win this kind of match through submission.

Dino climbs to his feet, and calls to Sharp, who still has La Parka in the Seek and Destroy. James stands up, leaving La Parka as nothing but a skeleton-costumed punching bag. Dino hits La Parka with a long barrage of punches, and eventually we see blood trickle down the mouth opening of his skull mask. James releases the hold, and La Parka falls limp to the mat. James lets Dino make the cover 1…2…3! Dino retains the championship.

TETE: What a sadistic display! La Parka was screwed from the beginning! They screwed him over much like they did with Faust at Delirium! And it also appears Dirty Deeds may have a new member, James Sharp!

FLOYD: Hasn’t it been a while since I’ve said something?

TETE: Actually, yes, it has. And you know, I was kind of enjoying it.

FLOYD: Well, I hate to rain on your parade, but I just want to mention that it's La Parka's own damn fault for getting double-teamed.

TETE: Why do you say that?

FLOYD: BECAUSE OF HIS DAMN MUSIC!!!

COMMERCIAL

TETE: The more I watch James Sharp, the more I think he's involved somehow with Dirty Deeds and Steve Roman.

FLOYD: Of course he is! Don't be so naive, Poppa!

TETE: Well, it's not necessarily-

FLOYD: Oh! Poppa, I'm told we've got cameras in the locker room of the Lineman and Scott Raye.

TETE: Well, let's go to it!

We cut to the back, where Scott Raye and the Lineman are trying to work out their difficulties.

LINEMAN: Scott, look, I understand and I forgive you. I got mad, you got mad, it happens sometimes. We'll get another shot at those titles. But Scott, I need you to answer this next question as honestly as you can, because believe it or not, those Brothers Hand are VERY dangerous. This is real, real important: where did Cyril take you?

Scott thinks for a second.

RAYE: You know what? It's a funny thing. A few minutes ago I remembered, I know I did. Because I was thinking ... something ... about it. But now ... I don't remember a darn thing.

Scott laughs for a second, and the Lineman laughs with him, but it is a laugh without joy.

COMMERCIAL  

TETE: And now that we're back, up next we have a tag team match of literally tremendous proportions between Avron Longarm and Jimmy Steele against Fate and the Harbringer.

FLOYD: I just hope that Longarm and Steele can finally shut these nuts up.

The crowd pops as Rob Zombie's "Superbeast" blasts from the speakers. The Gatekeeper, a tall long haired red head with a goatte, walks out from under the Abbottron, followed closely by the frightening sight of the Harbringer. The Harbringer enters the ring as the Gatekeeper stands outside and takes a mic.

HARBRINGER: Tonight I will be having, in my opinion, a handicap match against Avron Longarm ::the crowd pops::, a man who already has fought against me, and Jimmy Steele. Longarm, you escaped judgement once, be prepared, the end is near.

FLOYD: Blah, blah blah. I'm the religious, right wing fanatic, blah blah blah.

TETE: Shut up, Floyd.

Just as the Harbringer puts his mic down, the lights in the arena drop to near darkness. A churchbell sounds and the low sounds of Gregorian chanting fills the arena. The ramp from under the Abbottron lights up with small flames along its edges, illuminating a dark shape moving down the ring. Suddenly the flames die out and the lights go out fully for a few moments before coming back on, revealing the dark robed figure of Fate standing in the ring, facing the Harbringer.

TETE: Floyd, for the love of money, will you get out from the under the table and let go of my leg!

FLOYD: Sorry, Papa, this is all so boring I had to take a nap...

TETE: Yeah, right, we all know how fire scares you.

FLOYD: Hey, twenty years ago, my hamburger got burnt in a fire.

TETE: It's SUPPOSED... oh, nevermind.

The Harbringer points a finger at the tall wrestler, his mouth forming words to low to hear, and he looks up at the Abbottron as the good reverend comes out from under the Abbottron, his mic in hand, and he begins to sermonize as he walks down the ramp.

REVEREND SPANK: Sons and daughters, tonight shall be a GLORIOUS night for tonight, Fate and I, with Harbringer and his lackey, will TRIUMPH over the disbelievers. For since they have refused to confess their sins and to join us, they will be CLEANSED....in a baptism of fire. Now let us....

The Reverend trails off as his gaze falls on the Gatekeeper and his bushy white eyebrows come together in thought as he slowly finishes his movement to the ring. The Gatekeeper continues to return his stare. The stare down may have continued all night had it not been for the loud sounds of Rage Against the Machine's "Testify" that came surging through the speakers. Jimmy Steele proceeds to walk down the ramp, pointing and trash talking to the Harbringer who returns tirade for tirade from inside the ring. The Harbringer finally says something he shouldn't have and Steele bolts forward towards the ring, leaping in, only to proceed to be stomped on by the Harbringer. The ref motions for the bell to be rung and Reverend Spank proceeds to direct Fate out of the ring.

TETE: I hope the ref can keep these two giants in line during this match.

FLOYD: I hope that Spank and the Gatekeeper don't rile the audience up to singing church hymns. Seriously, do we need so much religion in the USXWF?

As Steele is lifted off of the ground and DDTed back into the mat, the

speaker's begin Avron Longarm's Japanese intro and the crowd pops. Avron slowly walks out from under the Abbottron. When he sees the commotion in the ring, specifically Steele being whipped into the ropes and viciously clotheslined, he races towards the ring just in time to break up a pin and saving Steele from defeat.

As the ref begins to push Longarm back into his respective corner, the

Harbringer get's up and begins to shout things at Longarm over the ref's shoulder. He continues to follow the ref away from Steele, not noticing his opponent slowly getting to his feet.

FLOYD: Hey, it looks like the ref can handle the scrawny ninja kid, at the very least.

Steele suddenly lunges forward and snakes his fist between the Harbringer's legs for a lowblow that brings the larger man to the mat. Steele manages to get the two count before the Harbringer tosses him up and to the side. Unperturbed, Steele get's the Harbringer in a belly-to-back supplex and the attempted pin, only to be pushed away again. Steele gets back to his corner as quickly as possible and tags in Longarm who flips into the ring to the delight of the crowd.

Longarm begins going to work on the Harbringer, throwing vicious left and right hooks before hitting him with a spinning heal kick that knocks the Harbringer to the mat. Longarm then races to the the ropes, bounces off the bottom rope to do a linesault, only to land on the Harbringer's upraised knees. As Longarm attempts to get his breath back, the Harbringer makes it to the corner to tag in Fate.

TETE: Longarm's in deep trouble... he's barely going and he's got a fresh opponent coming after him!

FLOYD: Aw, Fate's not so tough... kind of like Billy Graham, 'cept a tad taller.

TETE: I dunno... Billy Graham looks like a badass. At least, compared to you, Floyd.

FLOYD: Hardee-har-har.

Fate races into the ring only to get his feet tripped out from under him by a now recovered Longarm. Reverend Spank shouts instructions from the side as Fate attempts to at least connect with the more agile Longarm who ducks and weaves under Fate's swings, hitting him when the opportunity presents itself.

Something snaps inside of Fate and he finally connects with a brutal backhand that sends Longarm reeling. Fate reaches forward and grips the still stunned Longarm with one hand across the face, lifts him, and powerslams him into the mat.

TETE: Just when it looks like Fate reaches his peak, he keeps pushing the limits!

FLOYD: What's next, leaping tall buildings in a single bound?

Fate delivers a leg drop to Longarm before quickly rolling over for a pin but only get's to the two count before Steele intervenes, kicking Fate squarely in the head. Steele continues to wail on Fate, kicking him repeatedly in the head and ribs as the large man attempts to get to his feet, while the ref tries desperately to get Steele out of the ring. Stele snarls and pushes the ref backwards, who lands wrong and lays a crumpled heap on the mat.

TETE: The ref has been taken out! He's down!

FLOYD: Is it just me, or do our refs get weaker every week?

TETE: I don't know, Floyd, but all of a sudden, this match doesn't have an official watching over it!

FLOYD: It SHOULD be a DQ, but no-o-o-o-o, the ref goes sleepy-weepy at the touch of a feather...

Meanwhile, Longarm has staggered to his feet and both he and Steele double team Fate, trapping him a corner and working him over. Fate reels in the corner as a slap from Steele nearly lifts him off of the ground while a double footed jump kick from Avron nearly puts him out for good.

Outside of the ring, the Harbrigner looks on with a look of amusement but frowns when the Gatekeeper motions him into help break it up. The Harbringer steps into the ring and swings the still shaky Longarm around and delivers a Europpean uppercut to Longarm, knocking him to the ground. As Longarm rolls out of the ring, the Harbringer turns Steele around and begins to trade blows with him. Steele grips the Harbringer's arm in his and whips him around into the ropes, only to have the Harbringer duck under Steele's upraised arm and clothesline him on the rebound. With a grin to the Gatekeeper who nods enthusiastically, the Harbringer drags the semiconscious Steele to the turn buckle.

Gripping him, the Harbringer hoists him into the air and brings him down for a powerful chokeslam, and then drags the still stunned Fate over on top of the now pinned Steele. The barely cognizant ref realizes this and counts 1...2...3 and the bell rings, declaring the winner. Fate sits up, a puzzled expression on his face as the ref raises his arm in victory. The ref does the same for the Harbringer who leaves the ring with a scornfilled leer at Fate before making his way up the ramp.

TETE: Well, that seems to be the end of the match, with the Harbringer using an awesome chokeslam to put Steele out for good. And what a match it was, the Harbringer actually-wait, what is this? What is he doing?

FLOYD: Guess the match ain't over yet, Papa!

Fate, at the commands of Reverend Spank, drags Steele over to the edge of the ring and ties his arms up in the top and middle ropes before flipping him over and out of the ring so he is hanging by his arms. The Reverend shouts something with the words "bless" and "repent" in it as he takes out a vial of clear liquid.

TETE: Oh my god, it's the Hanging the Cross! Someone stop Spank before-

damnit, Floyd, lean back, I can't see!

FLOYD: Hold on, hold on, I wanna see this!

Hearing the crowd's reaction to this situation, the Harbringer pauses on his trip up the ramp. He scowls as the reverend uncorks the vial and the Harbringer runs back down the ramp and stops the old man before he can continue. The two argue as Fate watches the exchange, both of them shouting and waving their arms back and forth.

TETE: What's in that vial? Water? Oil?

FLOYD: Perhaps it's some vodka.

Reverend Spank jabs a finger into the Harbringer's face, angrily snarling some words at him that were too low for the cameras to catch. He moves to throw the contents of the vial on Steele when, out of no where, Avron Longarm kicks the reverend's hand, causing the contents to splash partially on Steele and the Harbrigner. The Harbringer staggers back to be caught by the Gatekeeper who quickly leads him from the arena, casting a rage-filled glare over his shoulder, and Steele writhes so hard that he slips from the ropes and falls to the arena floor.

TETE: What's that smell...? My god, there was acid in that vial!

FLOYD: Acid? Like, LSD?

TETE: No, acid like hydro-chloric... or something. Can't you smell it?!? Spank was intending to pour that acid on Jimmy Steele!

FLOYD: He should be thankful that Avron was able to prevent it all from getting on him!

Seeing the reverend get injured, Fate's face twists up in a silent growl and pushes Avron against the edge of the ring before whipping him into the barricade. Fate soundlessly snarls at Avron again before gingerly leading the reverend from the ring.

TETE: My god, this match has been truly brutal! There has to be something done about Spank bringing such a deadly substance ringside!

FLOYD: Perhaps we can excommunicate him.