Weekend Warbash

We come back from the break just as "Duel of the Fates" hits and the lights go out.

FLOYD: God, I hate this entrance, Poppa.

TETE: It is disturbing, Floyd.

A single blue spotlight appears at the entrance as the Mask walks out, a hood over his head and a robe around his massive body. Behind him walks Tanner, looking fit, tan, and WASPy as always, and he has a mic in his hand this time.

TANNER: When the Mask and I got into our hotel room last night, there was a fellow from a local newspaper there. I told him politely that the Mask would answer no questions about his past. The poor gentleman pushed ... after all, it's his job to know these things. Unfortunately, it's MY job to make sure the Mask is protected from people like him. So after asking him several more times to leave, I was forced to take precautionary measures. I had the Mask drop him off our seventh-floor balcony. I understand he's in a coma now. The moral of the story: the Mask's past will come out when I want it to come out. By the way, a message to my employer, who I'm relatively sure is watching: you're late with the check.

Tanner throws the mic away as the Mask clambors into the ring and removes his hood and robe, revealing that enormous, muscular body and that shaved head - and, of course, the mask itself. Tanner calmly begins giving instructions to his charge as "Walk This Way" hits and Marty Hart starts walking down to the ring, carrying his three window panes as usual. He too has a mic and is whining into it as usual.

HART: I can't believe that I'm facing this loser. He's even worse than Malice! Oooooh, "the Mask", is that name supposed to scare me, big boy? And his yuppie pal Tanner. That your first name or your last name, blondie? Or is it just "Tanner"? Like "Cher".

Tanner gets on the mic.

TANNER: You are of little consequence. I was just instructing my charge not to waste energy permanently harming you, as the two of us have more important matters to attend to once these proceedings are overwith.

HART: I'm sorry, did you just say that I was of little consequence? Me? The Glass Man is of little consequence?

TANNER: Yes, that reminds me, Glass Man. Please refrain from using those charming window panes of yours in any way during this match, or I'm afraid my charge will be forced to hurt you quite badly.

Hart doesn't reply, merely smashes one of his window panes over Tanner's head.

TETE: Oh my God! Tanner's just been taken out by Hart!

FLOYD: The bell's ringing! Hart is disqualified already!

The Mask begins backing Hart into a corner, as Tanner is collapsed in another corner, bleeding profusely from a gash in his forehead. Hart is trying not to show his fear, but the Mask is like a dog - he can smell it. Hart climbc to the top turnbuckle and quickly jumps off, bringing a second pane down on the Mask's head!

TETE: Sweet Jesus, Hart just smashed one into the Mask!

FLOYD: But Poppa ... look at the Mask!

The Mask doesn't budge. We can't see his face underneath the mask, but we can imagine his expression has not changed. Now Hart is really scared.

TETE: Any normal man would have been levelled by a shot like that!

FLOYD: The Mask is NOT a normal man.

TETE: If he's a man at all...

The Mask calmly takes the third pane from Hart, who is beginning to realize the gravity of his situation. He runs for it, but the Mask tosses the window pane at his head, and with devastating accuracy, the pane smashes over Hart's head. The Mask walks over to Hart, and drags his prone body into a corner. He begins kicking all the larger shards of glass in the ring into one pile in the center of the ring.

TETE: Oh no! I think I see what he's got in mind!

FLOYD: What?

TETE: You don't want to know.

The Mask pulls Hart to his feet and walks him to the center of the ring. The crowd, catching on, begins screaming at the Mask and Hart. The Mask thrusts to Hart's throat and wraps that enormous talon of his around Hart's throat, which looks like a twig in the Mask's hand. Hart is screaming as the Mask gives Hart a Fall From Grace!

TETE (screaming): Fall From Grace onto the glass! Fall From Grace onto the glass! Holy Moses smell the roses, Hart's got to be hurt, and hurt bad!

The Mask points at Hart, who is writhing in agony on the mat. We think we can hear him screaming unintelligably at the Glass Man. The Mask walks over to the corner his caretaker is in, picks Tanner up, throws him over his shoulder, and walks out to the back. On his way out, he passes the EMTs, who run in the ring and load Hart on to a stretcher.

TETE: My God! That makes what the Mask did to Chet Stevens a few months ago look like a love tap!

FLOYD: Well, Hart's not going to stop at this. The Mask took his pride tonight, and Hart is, no doubt, going to try to get it back.

TETE: I certainly wouldn't advise that.

FLOYD: Nonetheless, Hart is who he is. And he won't give up until he's beaten the Mask.

TETE: We've got a commercial, so we'll be back in a few minutes, and we'll try to update you on Hart's condition when we get back.

COMMERCIAL

TETE: We're back, and as promised, we've got R.F. Quenton waiting backstage with Dr. Mel Langler for an update on Marty Hart's condition.

We cut to the back where a very nervous R.F. Quenton stands waiting for the cue from Tete. He smiles nervously at Langler, who nods. In the background, we hear someone screaming. A stagehand is whispering off screen.

STAGEHAND: Quenton, go!

QUENTON: Huh?

STAGEHAND: Go!

QUENTON: Speak up, I'm a journalist, not a lip reader.

STAGEHAND: GO!!!!

Quenton quickly turns and smiles at the camera. Langler rolls his eyes.

QUENTON: I'm here with Dr. Mel Langler to get an update on Marty Hart's condition.

A scream from the back.

LANGLER: He ought to be fine. Fortunately, none of the shards of glass penetrated any major arteries or veins .... there aren't many of those in the lower back anyway. Mainly what we're doing now is pulling the glass from his back. I'm afraid Mr. Hart isn't being very cooperative.

Another obscenity-laced scream.

LANGLER: Sorry about that for any kids watching at home.

QUENTON: So Hart will be able to wrestle at Tuesday Trauma?

LANGLER: Oh, most definitely. And I would warn the Mask and Mr. Tanner about staying out of Mr. Hart's way. He's really quite irate.

A nurse rushes on, her shirt ripped open and a large bruise marking her right cheek.

NURSE: Doctor, I'm having trouble holding him down.

Langler smiles at the camera and at Quenton.

LANGLER: You'll excuse me, won't you?

QUENTON: Of course.

Langler charges off, bringing the steel chair he was sitting on with him. We here in the background the following.

LANGLER: Mr. Hart, this is going to hurt me a whole hell of a lot more than it's going to hurt you!!!!

Then the unmistakable sound of steel meeting skull. Quenton jumps a little.

LANGLER: That oughta hold him for a few minutes - get to work on that stitching....

Quenton turns to the camera.

QUENTON: There you have it. Mel Langler ... lifesaver. Back to you, Poppa and Floyd.

TETE: All right, and thank you, Quenton... I think. Right now, we're good to go with one powerful match... Big Bald Bitch versus Trent Valentine for the Intercontinental Championship.

FLOYD: Is it just me, or is Quenton becoming more and more of an ass as time goes by?

TETE: It's not just you.

"P.O.D." by Southtown pumps over the speakers. Big Bald Bitch appears, dressed in his usual trenchcoat and sunglasses. He walks down the ring, his hands in his pockets, and his expression and demeanor like stone. He climbs into the ring, removes his coat and glasses, and tosses them into the corner.

Bon Jovi's "You Give Love A Bad Name" replaces the former music. Trent appears, dressed in his standard wrestling pants and rose-adorned red hat. The Intercontinental belt rested around his waist. He quickly tromped down the ramp and climbed into the ring.

FLOYD: Wait a minute... shouldn't Trent be defending his title against the Mask?

TETE: A rematch? Rumor has it that Tanner declined.

FLOYD: Why would he do that?

TETE: I dunno... perhaps he's got other plans?

The bell sounds, and the two men circle each other slowly, sizing each other up. Suddenly, Trent leaps and throws his arms around Bitch, pushing him into the ropes. The two crash into the turnbuckle, and Trent keeps his shoulder pressed against Bitch's, and uses his free arm to pound Bitch in the gut. After a few punches, he whips Bitch into the opposite turnbuckle, and follows right after, whirling around and smashing Bitch between himself and the turnbuckle.

TETE: Trent's making a strong showing early on in the match. He's completely dominating Big Bald Bitch!

FLOYD: Yeesh! I wouldn't wanna be dominating him.

TETE: What, you'd rather be dominated by him?

FLOYD: HEY!

Big Bald Bitch falls to his knees, and Trent grabs his head and his belt in preparation for a suplex, but Bitch manages to propel Trent over his shoulder to counter. Trent lands on the turnbuckle and falls to the mat. Bitch stomps away at Trent's gut, but Trent quickly rolls out of the ring and staggers over to the barricade. Bitch jumps out after him.

FLOYD: Back in the ring, you two Yahoos!

TETE: Yahoos?

FLOYD: Yeah, Yahoos. You got a problem with my choice of words?

Bitch doesn't let up any with the fight, and begins kicking at Trent's ribs and legs. Trent fights back by swinging his arms wildly and connecting with Bitch's chest, and then grabs Bitches arm and tries to throw him into the steel steps, but Bitch reverses the move. Trent smashes into the steps and rolls over onto his back. Bitch goes for the cover, but the ref refuses to count.

TETE: This isn't a Hardcore match! Pins must happen in the ring!

FLOYD: Hey, Bitch, you can't pin 'im here!

Bitch yells at the ref for a few seconds, and then jumps up and yells some more in the ref's face. The ref yells back.

TETE: The ref's telling Bitch to get back into the ring.

FLOYD: Perhaps he's too accustomed to Falls-Count-Anywhere rules.

Trent climbs back to his feet, and the Bitch whirls around. He kicks Trent in the stomach, causing Trent to fall back into the announcers table.

FLOYD: Watch it, you're going to spill my drink!

Bitch stomps away at Trent a bit more, but Trent grabs Bitch's foot and pushes. Bitch, suddenly off-balanced, falls backwards and lands on his back. Trent gets up to press the attack, but Bitch swipes his foot out and trips Trent. Bitch then jumps back up to his feet, stomps at Trent a bit more, then rushes over near the announcers table. He pulls one of the ringside assistant's up, then grabs the chair that he was sitting on. The ref yells at him to put the chair down, but Bitch slams the chair into the ref's gut. The ref keels over.

TETE: Big Bald Bitch is attacking the referee, and now he's going after Trent!

FLOYD: Don't go "La Parka" on us, Bitch! One of him is enough!

Trent climbs back to his feet and whirls around, just in time for Bitch to smack the chair upside Trent's head. Bitch slams the chair down again on Trent's shoulder, then throws it to the floor. The ref calls for the bell, ending the match in a DQ.

FLOYD: Gee, a disqualification, what a surprise.

TETE: Well, if Big Bald Bitch wants to participate in anything other than a Hardcore match, he's going to have to leave the chairs out of it.

FLOYD: What's so bad about Hardcore matches.

TETE: Nothing. It's just that every match can't be hardcore.

Big Bald Bitch's music comes back up, and he returns to his corner to retrieve his jacket and sunglasses. With a slight glare to Trent, he stomps back up the ramp.

COMMERCIAL

TETE: Next up is the main event, ladies and gentlemen, the big one! A Fatal Fourway inside a Hell in a Cell for the USXWF heavyweight title!

FLOYD: There is an incredible emotional undercurrent running through this match. All these guys want a piece of each other!

TETE: That's true, no doubt about it Floyd, and observations like that are what make you the best color man in this business.

FLOYD: Was that sarcastic? I can never tell.

TETE: And underneath all of these issues is the belt, the gold, what every USXWF superstar thrives for. But to all of these men, that gold is secondary. Malice wants revenge for his sister. C-Cube wants to spread the word of Shiva. Steve Roman wants to regain his honor. And Rico Laser? I think he just wants to survive.

As if on cue, "Woke Up This Morning" hits and Rico Laser appears at the top of the ramp with a mic in his hand.

LASER: Hold it, hold it, cut the music. I have a message for Malice. Malice, please listen to me. I swear to you that I had nothing to do with Spite's kidnapping! I have an alibi! Just ask Henry Abbott! He was spotting me in the weight room, I promise! Just don't do anything that you'll regret out here...

TETE: How pathetic. What a lying scumbag....

FLOYD: You never know, he could be telling the truth.

TETE: The words "Rico Laser" and "the truth" never sounded worse together.

Laser walks in the ring and begins waiting. A gale - not a gust - of wind blows into the arena. It's so strong in fact that one of the TV monitors flies off the announce table. "Supernova Goes Pop" explodes out of the speakers as the cell begins to lower.

TETE: My God! This is the strongest wind that's ever precipitated Malice's arrival.

FLOYD: But where is he?

Laser is looking all over the place, wondering where he can expect Malice to come from. As the cell lowers, we see that Malice is clinging to the chain link on the inside of the cell. Laser looks up just in time to see Malice dive into the ring and on top of Laser in a flying cross body block!

TETE: What a start!

Malice is on top of Laser, beating him with his fists and even occasionally head butting him as the cell finally lowers into place and ringhands anchor it. Malice pulls Laser to his feet and whips him into the ropes, then clotheslines him as Laser comes back. Just then, we notice that Odium and Angst are on the top of the cage. Each climbs down and they join one another on the outside of the cell, settling in to watch the action.

As Malice continues to soundly thrash Laser, "Fuck 'em and Their Law" hits and C-Cube appears at the top of the ramp, the Brothers Hand and Chet Stevens at his side. With a single motion of his hand, all three follow him down to the cell and line up along one chain link wall to root their leader on. C-Cube climbs into the cell and immediately spots the guy that cost him the title at HT2K, and kicks Malice in the back. Malice turns around and responds, firing a swift right to C-Cube's jaw.

"Sad but True" hits and Steve Roman arrives to a huge pop, belt slung over his shoulder. He walks down without stopping. Just after he makes his entrance, Dirty Deeds follows with James Sharp in tow.

TETE: Looks like the gang's all here for this one.

FLOYD: But Poppa, look - what are they wearing?

Indeed, all four men, Steve Roman, Dirty Deeds, and James Sharp are wearing black leather jackets with the words "ROMAN EMPIRE" printed across the back.

TETE: What the hell is the Roman Empire?

FLOYD: I think we may find out sometime in the next few minutes, Poppa.

Roman pulls off his jacket and hands it to Dino Fischetti, who leads the rest of the group to the chain-link wall opposite the Servants of Shiva. Immediately, both groups begin jeering at one another.

TETE: Oh boy, I can see where this is going.

FLOYD: Where?

TETE: You ever seen "West Side Story"?

As soon as Roman gets into the cell, he makes a beeline for Malice. Roman and C-Cube both whip Malice into the ropes, and Malice comes back with a phenomenal double dropkick that floors both Roman and C-Cube. Laser hits Malice with a drop toe hold, though, and Malice falls right into a brutal knee to the face from C-Cube. C-Cube and Roman move in to give Malice a wishbone legsplitter, and they each lift one leg ... and then they stop and notice each other. They each drop their leg and stand nose to nose, staring each other down. Laser, desperate to get them to focus their energy on Malice so HE won't have to, steps between them. C-Cube grabs Laser by the hair and tosses him across the ring and goes back to staring Roman down.

TETE: Oh, this is intense, Floyd.

FLOYD: You know it. These two men really hate each other.

Roman throws the first punch, which C-Cube blocks and uses to twist Roman's arm behind his back. C-Cube shoves Roman up against the ropes, then starts to press Roman's face into the chain-link cell. It just happens they're on the Servants of Shiva's side, and Remington surreptitiously fires a punch into Roman's face. C-Cube lets go, allowing Roman to stumble back.

Laser decides he's going to finish the wishbone legsplitter Roman and C-Cube started, but Malice kicks Laser in the face, gets up, and gives Laser a DDT. Roman whips C-Cube in Laser's direction, and C-Cube trips directly over Laser's prone form. Laser, seeing the guy who ratted him out, gets to his feet and, inspired, hits him with a jumping front kick and then a neckbreaker. Roman, seeing C-Cube is otherwise occupied, whips Malice into the ropes and hits him with a tilt-a-whirl slam.

TETE: The action coming fast and furious here!

FLOYD: Poppa, I think you'd better have a look at the outside. Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

One of the Brothers Hand has just really pissed off Dino Fischetti, who motions for the Hand in question to meet him on the top of the cage. Remington starts up the cage, followed by Cyril, followed by Stevens. Fischetti, meanwhile, starts climbing the cage as well, followed by the Bitch, followed by James Sharp.

TETE: Oh my God, Floyd! There's gonna be trouble, right here in San Antonio!

FLOYD: Oh my God ... Poppa, can that cell even hold the mighty weight of Chet Stevens?

TETE: A good observation ... or a fat joke, I'm not sure which.

FLOYD: We'll pretend it was a good observation.

Inside the ring, Rico Laser has just hit C-Cube with the Scope, and begins to climb to the top turnbuckle, calling for the Laser Beam. The crowd is too excited about the celltop brawl that's about to take place to notice. Cyril Hand manages to give Laser a good, strong kick to the head on his way up, and Laser slips, his balls landing in just the wrong place on the turnbuckle.

TETE: That had to hurt.

Malice notices what's going on outside the cell, and motions Odium and Angst over to the side of the cage. He gives them quick instructions, then gets pulled away and receives a sidewalk slam from Steve Roman.

Odium and Angst begin to climb the cage themselves.

FLOYD: What the heck is going on? Poppa?

TETE: Looks like Odiuma and Angst are yelling for the two groups to handle it on the ground!

The Roman Empire and the Servants of Shiva reach the roof and stare contemptuously at each other. Odium and Angst reach the top and step between the two, Odium heading over to talk to the Roman Empire, and Angst talking to the Servants of Shiva.

Laser, meanwhile has grabbed Malice's attention once again, and has just been powerslammed to the mat. C-Cube yanbks Malice away and goes for a pin on Laser. 1...2... Steve Roman breaks the pin and jerks C-Cube to his feet. Malice elbows C-Cube in the ribs, then gives him a spinebuster for taking away a potential pin. Laser takes that opportunity to sneak out the cell door. Malice notices this and immediately heads out after him. Panicking, Laser begins to climb the outside of the cell, and Malice follows. Steve Roman sees Malice leave and follows him out, and C-Cube follows Roman, his only chance at the title, out the cell door as well. All four men are climbing to the roof of the cell to join their comrades.

TETE: Floyd, they'd better be careful! You were joking about Chet Stevens, but all those men together have got to way close to a ton!

FLOYD: If not more ... this cage is strong, but not that strong!

Laser makes for the edge of the roof once he's at the top, intending to climb down the other side, but Malice catches him first, and places Laser's head between his legs, intending to powerbomb Laser off the roof of the cell!

TETE: Malice! No! You'll kill him!

But Malice doesn't get the chance. Laser manages to lift his head, and back body drop Malice off the roof of the cell! Malice falls the full twenty feet and crashes through the Spanish announce table!

TETE: Oh my God! A Foleyesque fall from the Brewing Storm!

Laser calls for the Laser Beam!

TETE: No! No! Not from there!

FLOYD: I can't look!

Laser launches himself into the air and executes a perfect Laser Beam and half-flip before landing on ... pure concrete and announce table debris as Malice barely manages to move out of the way!

TETE: Good Lord! Rico Laser must be broken in half!

FLOYD: That cheating dirtbag Malice moved!

TETE: Like you wouldn't!

FLOYD: Hell no! I'd take my medicine like a man! A man, dammit!

Roman and C-Cube, meanwhile, are battling on the roof of the cage between their two stables, who are still making threats across the cage. Finally, Roman whips C-Cube into Chet Stevens, who clumsily stumbles across the cell and bumps right into Fischetti. That's all the excuse Fischetti needs. He throws a series of punches at Stevens, all of which connect harshly, and the entire group explodes into violence!

TETE: Oh my God! It's a war on the roof of the cell!

FLOYD: Someone stop it quick!

Odium and Angst rush in to do just that, but only manage to get themselves immersed in the fighting. There is a loud creak from the roof of the cage.

TETE: It's going to cave in! Stop! Stop!

But no one is stopping. In fact, it's only getting worse. The last straw is Fischetti powerbombing Stevens. There is a mighty shudder, and then a ripping and snapping sound .... and then the roof of the cage snaps loose and falls sixteen feet to the mat, as do ten bodies!

TETE: Oh my God! Oh my God! The roof of the Hell in a Cell has collapsed! Unbelievable!

The ref notices that C-Cube landed on top of Roman. He moves in to count. 1...2...3! C-Cube is the USXWF champion!

TETE: What the hell?! What the hell?! C-Cube just pinned Roman! He landed on Roman and the referee counted!

FLOYD: Now that is something you just don't see every day.

The referee pulls C-Cube to his feet and raises his hand, then hands C-Cube the belt. C-Cube is celebrating as he pulls his Servants of Shiva up and beats a hasty retreat up the ramp. Roman and Dirty Deeds stand up, Roman scowling furiously. C-Cube is laughing uproariously and pointing to the sky. The Brothers Hand and Chet Stevens are dancing up the ramp joyously. We end on the final shot of C-Cube and Steve Roman locking eyes, C-Cube going back to his old serene smile and Roman's eyes filling with fury.

TETE: We're out of time! We'll be back on Tuesday with a new USXWF champion - but that doesn't mean Steve Roman is ready to give up! What's Roman's next move? What the hell is the Roman Empire? Who else will fall to the Servants of Shiva? And what are Malice's plans for Rico Laser? Tune in to TNT and find out, because no one here knows, that's for damn sure!