PINK ELEPHANTS OFF THEIR ROCKER!

We cut to Poppa Tete and Floyd Hermesol sitting behind their announce table.

FLOYD: I'm sure it'll be a great show, Poppa, but we don't have any matches for it yet!

TETE: That's true, Floyd, the CEO's mind has been on other business recently. But from what I understand, he's here tonight ... and he has the card for Hostile Takeover 2000 with him!

FLOYD: That's exciting ... if it's true.

"Black is Black" hits and Diego Cabrera comes down to a big pop. He waves obligingly to the crowd, then ducks between the ropes and gets in the ring.

CABRERA: Ladies and gentlemen, it has been pointed out to me that in my zeal to come after someone I have a personal problem with, I've been neglecting my duties as CEO ... and that was a good point and I'm here to make it up to all of you. I have in my hand right now a copy of the card for Hostile Takeover 2000.

The crowd pops.

CABRERA: Here are the matches, in the order that they will take place. La Parka vs. Crazy Mac in a steel chair match. The rules will be released tomorrow. Harbinger vs. Candyman. Greg Tibbs vs. Avron LongArm for the European title. Xavier vs. Harper for the #1 contendership to the European title. The Mask vs. Trent Valentine for the Intercontinental Title. A three-way tag team titles match between the Sideshow, the Brothers Hand, and Dirty Deeds. Jimmy Steele vs. the Lineman. Malice vs. Marty Hart in a Japanese Glass match, the rules of which will follow tomorrow. Steve Roman vs. C-Cube for the USXWF Heavyweight Title.

The crowd pops at this last one. Cabrera smiles, nods, and starts to walk out. "Walk This Way" hits suddenly though, and Cabrera rolls his eyes.

TETE: Here comes the Glass Man.

FLOYD: Probably upset about facing Malice instead of Roman at HT2K.

TETE: At what?

Hart comes down the ramp and stops at the bottom.

HART: Congratulations, boss, you've pissed the Glass Man off.

CABRERA: Is that so?

HART: Yeah, it is. Everyone knows that I'm the big shot around here. I'm the Glass Man, I'm the guy that won the #1 contendership fair and square. Then last week Roman screwed me, just like he always screws me, and you expect me to sit back and just smile, nod, and accept it? Sorry, but the Glass Man doesn't work that way. I want my title shot against Roman at Hostile Takeover 2000. And if I have to beat it out of you, if that's what it's gonna take, then that's what I'm gonna do.

The crowd pops, hoping for a Cabrera-Hart confrontation.

TETE: That's no way to make friends or influence people.

CABRERA: Hold it, Hart. Hold it right there. Man, I got enough on my mind without having to deal with your whining and crying. So I'll tell you what. You can have your title shot. But you get it tonight. Not at Hostile Takeover. And if you beat him, then you can face C-Cube. But there will NOT be a Hart-Roman main event at Hostile Takeover. And that's the final word on the matter.

HART: Fine. Fine. As long as you recognize that I'm the #1 contender.

CABRERA: Right. You're the #1 contender tonight, okay? We finished?

Hart says nothing, just heads into the back ... just as "Hail to the Chief" hits and Chris Benton comes out to a huge pop from the crowd! He slaps Hart on the ass as he walks out. Hart shoots him a dirty look, but Benton keeps walking.

TETE: A loud ovation for the Commissioner of the USXWF, Chris Benton. Cabrera looks surprised to see him here, Floyd.

FLOYD: Hopefully he's here to fire him, Poppa.

TETE: Oh, please.

Benton stands on the stage, grinning at the audience.

BENTON: Hey, it's great to be back in Denver, Colorado!

The crowd pops loudly.

BENTON: I wasn't going to come out, though, until I realized that you left something out of the card, Diego.

Cabrera looks confused.

BENTON: Look, I know you say you're retired. But it's obvious to me that Rico Laser is not going to pay you the attention you deserve unless he's forced to. So the question becomes, how do we force him?

Benton begins walking down the ramp.

BENTON: We put him in a match against you at Hostile Takeover 2000.

The crowd pops.

BENTON: It's the only way he'll give you any kind of notice, Diego. The only way you'll have any chance of getting the care your grandson deserves out of that deadbeat dad of a boss we have.

CABRERA: What do you mean?

BENTON: The stipulation for the match is this: if he wins, you leave the USXWF as CEO and Laser puts in whoever he wants. But if you win ... not only does Laser sign all papers admitting he's the father and agreeing to a fair and equitable monthly child support payment, but he sells the company back to the Founding Five.

As Benton finishes, he climbs into the ring and stands face to face with Cabrera. The crowd pops hugely at this suggestion, and Poppa Tete is having a conniption.

TETE: My God! That's insane! Laser will never agree to that!

Before Cabrera can answer, as if on cue, "Woke Up This Morning" hits and Rico Laser appears on the stage.

FLOYD: Tell 'em how ridiculous that is, boss!

Laser laughs and looks at Benton like he's crazy.

LASER: If you Founding Fools had anything in your heads besides feathers, you'd realize that there is no way on God's green earth that I'd ever accept a deal like that. I have confidence in my talent, but this is the man that trained me, and I'm willing to concede that if anyone on this planet can beat me, it's him. I'm a businessman, for God's sake! Just the fact that you would assume for a second that I would take such a one-sided deal proves your contempt for me. Don't ever forget, either of you, who you work for. Laserlight Industries runs this company now, and you are both here by my grace and at my leisure. So my answer is no, I will not take part in any match like that, and there will never be a match like that at any pay-per-view I run.

BENTON: Well, I'm afraid you don't really have a choice, Rico. Boys!

Benton whistles, and suddenly, about a dozen cops come out and stand around Laser. One of them pulls out handcuffs and snaps them on Laser's wrists. He takes the mic from Laser.

COP: Rico Laser, you are under arrest for statutory rape.

The crowd explodes.

TETE: Holy Moses, smell the roses! Benton just had Laser arrested.

Laser is shocked as he is being led out the back way.

BENTON: Hold it, boys, bring him back for a second, the daddy of the girl has something to say.

The cops bring Laser back. Benton nods to Cabrera, who still seems surprised by all of this.

CABRERA: You ever been to Mexican prison, Rico? It's not pleasant. Granted, your money will probably buy your way out pretty soon, but by then it could be too late. You might already have caught dysentery, or cholera ... or been made somebody's girlfriend. I tell you what, man ... you agree to the match at Hostile Takeover 2000, and I drop all the charges.

Laser looks helpless.

LASER: This is blackmail!

CABRERA: Yeah, probably. Tell the cop. See who he sides with: the angry father of a poor single mother, or the scum who got her pregnant.

Laser looks at the cop. The cop shakes his head. Laser seems to struggle in decision for a moment, then, frustrated, tells the cop to unlock him.

LASER: Fine, fine, I'll be there.

BENTON: Good. Then I hope you won't mind the officer there protecting you until Sunday. I just want to make sure you don't get a sudden urge to head for Canada or the Bahamas or something.

Laser shoots a dirty look at Benton and Cabrera and heads into the back, the cops right behind him.

BENTON: Okay, Diego. I've done for you. Now you have to do for us. Get us our company back, amigo.

He shakes Cabrera's hand.

TETE: My God! What a deal has been struck, and the Laser Show is in trouble!

FLOYD: I'll say! He has to beat Cabrera fair and square at HT2K in order to keep his company!

TETE: Would you stop calling it HT2K?

FLOYD: C'mon! Keep up with the times, Poppa.

TETE: It's time for a commercial. We'll be right back with Avron LongArm facing Harbinger, in Harbinger's first match in USXWF! Next!

COMMERCIAL FOR HOSTILE TAKEOVER 2000

We come back just as the lights go out and "Superbeast" by Rob Zombie hits. The Gatekeeper, a frightening fellow dressed in black, walks down to the ring, followed shortly by the enormous, twice as frightening Harbinger in a spotlight. The crowd's reaction is mixed. Harbinger gets on the mic.

HARBINGER: The man I'm about to face is talented, no doubt. I've seen him. And I hope he'll see me today, see what I can do. Then maybe he'll see that I'm serious about our mission. And he'll join me in my quest.

Japanese music pipes over the speakers suddenly, and Avron LongArm comes out, walking calmly to the ring. He climbs the turnbuckle and flips off, much to the crowd's delight and approval. He lands directly in front of the Harbinger.

HARBINGER: So what's it to be, boy?

LongArm doesn't answer.

HARBINGER: Will you be among the saved?

Still no answer.

HARBINGER: Scared to talk?

In reply, LongArm delivers a spinning heel kick to Harbinger's good-sized head.

TETE: Well, I guess that'll do for an answer in a pinch.

FLOYD (contemptuously): Maybe if you're from Japan.

The bell rings. Gatekeeper reluctantly leaves the ring at the ref's insistence. Harbinger gets to his feet and removes his cloak. He stares down at LongArm, who stares back calmly as he removes his own cloak. Harbinger suddenly thrusts toward LongArm's throat, but LongArm dodges out of the way, goes behind Harbinger, and gives him a quick front sweep. Harbinger hits the mat, snarls, and charges at LongArm, who dives off the ropes, grabs Harbinger's lowered head, and hits a spinning neckbreaker.

TETE: LongArm firmly in control so far.

FLOYD: Harbinger's temper is getting the best of him, to say the least.

Harbinger gets up, bounces off the ropes, and nails the Hand of Glory (a running chokeslam) on LongArm, leaving him gasping for breath on the mat. Harbinger pulls LongArm to his feet, turns him upside down, and goes for a piledriver, but LongArm has the presence of mind to kick Harbinger in the face just before the move can be completed. Harbinger, momentarily distracted, drops LongArm, who swiftly gets to his feet, grabs Harbinger by the arm and whips him into the ropes, then nails a flying head scissors on Harbinger's way back.

TETE: LongArm can win this as long as he keeps using his speed and stays away from Harbinger's power moves.

FLOYD: Thank you, Bob Costas.

TETE: Bob Costas?

Harbinger lies motionless on the mat as LongArm crawls on top of him and puts him in the Hiroshima Stretch!

TETE: There it is! The Hiroshima Stretch! It's over!

FLOYD: Oh, please, that move is so wimpy. I could get out of that.

TETE: Maybe we'll have LongArm try it on you later.

Harbinger is reaching for the nearest rope, but he isn't tapping out yet. LongArm applies more pressure. Just then, Greg Tibbs appears from the audience! He jumps in the ring and clubs LongArm over the head with his steel pipe! The ref orders the bell to be rung ... Avron wins by DQ. The Harbinger gets up and gets into Tibbs' face for interfering in his match.

TETE: Well, this shouldn't be terribly surprising, should it?

FLOYD: Tibbs is just paying LongArm back.

TETE: What for?

FLOYD: For being so damn honorable! He makes Tibbs look really bad!

Tibbs is getting sick of listening to Harbinger talk. He nails Harbinger in the knee with the pipe, then brings it down on his head. The Gatekeeper runs over to tend to his boss as Tibbs leaves the ring.

TETE: What a mess!

FLOYD: Well, hopefully it'll all be worked out at HT2K.

TETE: Stop calling it that!

COMMERCIAL