TETE: And next up, we’ve got a match between the newest "Servant of Shiva" Chet Stevens and newcomer to singles competition, Jimmy Steele.

FLOYD: What are you talking about? Jimmy isn’t a newcomer to singles competition! Don’t you remember his classic match with the Sideshow in the first ever Finisher Only Match?

TETE: Oh, yes. Who could forget seeing Jimmy Steele’s naked ass? Yeah, thanks for reminding us of that, Floyd. Thanks a whole freakin lot. On a different note, we have gotten word from the CEO himself Diego Cabrera that this will be a Falls Anywhere match! For those of you who don’t know the lingo, a Falls Anywhere match that the match must be won by pinfall, but it could be pinfall in the ring, out the ring, in the bathroom, that janitor’s closet… you get the idea.

FLOYD: Uh-oh, this could get crazy…

TETE: I’m counting on it, Floyd. Well, let’s get things underway.

"Testify" by Rage Against the Machine blasts across the speakers and Steele emerges from behind the curtains, flailing his arms and yelling like a madman. He speeds to the ring, bounces off the ropes a couple times, and looks toward the Abbottron, awaiting his opponent.

Just a few heartbeats later, the same entrance song for Malice hits the speakers, and Chet Stevens comes out from backstage. His walk to the ring is interrupted by Jimmy Steele, who hits Stevens with a hard clothesline. Jimmy stomps on Chet a couple times before Chet gets onto his feet. Chet and Jimmy exchange punches to the head, and eventually Jimmy is pushed back to the ring. Chet manages to land a hard hook to the kidneys, which stuns Jimmy long enough for Chet to whip him into the steel stairs, shoulder first.

TETE: Oooh! He’ll be feeling that one in the morning!

FLOYD: Um… this isn’t boxing, Tete.

Chet begins walking toward the injured Jimmy, but he is quick to get up and lands another hard clothesline to Chet. Jimmy then quickly grabs both of Chet’s legs, and leans his back against the ground, catapulting Chet into the steel ring post. Chet stays down, and Jimmy goes for the pin. 1…2…Chet reverses it into a cradle 1…2… Jimmy reverses the cradle into a school boy pin 1…2… Chet does a sitting sunset flip (use your imagination!), pinning Jimmy 1…2… Jimmy stands himself up from his pinned position and turns it into a hangman’s piledriver. He then picks up the fallen body of Chet Stevens and rolls him into the ring.

TETE: Wow! These two competitors seem very equally matched. We’re sure to see the action escalate here…

By the time Jimmy climbs into the ring, Chet is to his feet, and he and Jimmy lock up. Steele turns it into a headlock, but Chet is able to force Jimmy into the ropes, and whips him across the ring. On the rebound, Chet goes for a hip toss, but Jimmy doesn’t budge. He instead goes for a hiptoss of his own, but Chet is also able to keep his feet on the ground. He then kicks Jimmy hard to the stomach, making him bend over and clutch his stomach. Chet capitalizes by getting Jimmy in a hard falling neck-breaker. While Jimmy lays stunned on the ground, Chet climbs the ropes and prepares for a flying back flip splash. At the very last second, Jimmy puts his knees up, and both Chet are lying motionless on the ground. The ref begins to count 1… 2… 3… 4…5…

TETE: Oh, no. Now, I realize that neither of these guys are exactly fan-favorites, but no one wants to see a match end in double DQ.

FLOYD: C’mon! Stay down! Stay down!

TETE: I stand corrected…

8… Both competitors finally get to their feet, and Jimmy hits Chet with a hard European Uppercut, almost knocking him down again. Jimmy then whips Chet into the turnbuckle. He immediately bounces off, and meanders into the middle of the ring. Jimmy is right there and whips him even harder into the opposite corner, where he finally stays. He gets a running knee right into the gut as Jimmy charges toward him. Jimmy stands up Chet on the third turnbuckle and climbs up with him. He then bends Chet over and puts his head between his knees, and slides his finger across his neck, signaling that he means to end it.

TETE: Uh-oh. He’s going for the Bloodlust! This’ll definitely be the end of the match right here…

Then suddenly, Chet moves his head slightly down, and then quickly up, getting in a fast low blow. Chet pulls out his own head and hooks Jimmy’s head under his arm. Chet lifts him up, and falls down, sending Jimmy crashing through the Spanish announcer’s table and Chet lands with a hard thud on the outside. Chet musters every ounce of his strength to turn himself over and lay his arm across Jimmy’s unconscious body. 1…2…3! Chet Stevens picks up the win!

TETE: Amazing! I don’t think Jimmy is going to take this defeat lightly. You can bet Chet Stevens hasn’t heard the last of Jimmy Steele!

FLOYD: Oh who cares? Why don’t we just hurry up and end this show so we can all go home?!?

Chet slowly gets up and looks over at the still-unconscious body of Jimmy Steele, and makes his way backstage after spitting on him.

COMMERCIAL

As we come back from the commercial, "Rock Superstar" explodes out of the speakers, and the crowd boos loudly as Xavier appears at the top of the ramp.

TETE: I can't stand this guy.

FLOYD: You're just jealous that you don't have his charisma.

TETE: Charisma? I thought it was called pubic lice.

FLOYD: Yeah, that's it, mock the unpopular guy. Someday he's gonna be a big star, and you'll still be a nobody. How does that make you feel?

TETE: If being a big star means being like him, then I'm thrilled to be a nothing.

Xavier comes down to the ring and pulls his glittery vest off and tosses it to the crowd. Someone tosses it back.

Just then, "Lollipop" hits, and a little old man in a pinstriped suit comes somersaulting down the ramp, cane in hand, laughing and dancing.

FLOYD (disgusted): Is that the Candyman?

TETE: No, of course not.

FLOYD: Well, how do I know? There's a lot of senior citizens that are still very active in pro wrestling.

TETE: Insert your own Hulk Hogan joke here.

As the lyrics start, a tall, blond, Adonis-like figure comes walking down the ramp, laughing and throwing candies to the crowd and waving.

FLOYD: Who's this fruit?

TETE: Floyd!

FLOYD: What? He clearly bats from both sides of the plate!

TETE: Candyman's sexual orientation is not up for debate.

FLOYD: That's good, considering he obviously enjoys the occasional meat cigar.

TETE: Floyd!

FLOYD: What? What, Poppa? There needs to be an open discussion about such issues as sexual orientation if we're ever going to get past our petty differences.

TETE: Thank you, Mahatma Hermesol.

Candyman gets in the ring and Mr. Mint stands on the outside. Mr. Mint walks over and starts interacting playfully with a baby in the first row as the bell rings to start the match.

Candyman heartily reaches out his hand for a sportsmanlike handshake. Xavier looks at the hand in disbelief. Candyman offers Xavier a candy. Xavier kicks Candyman's midsection, then DDTs him into the canvas.

TETE: That wasn't very nice.

FLOYD: Xavier probably thought Candyman was offering him a different kind of sweetness...

TETE: Floyd!

Candyman gets up and, moving with unexpected speed, clotheslines Xavier. Candyman pulls Xavier to his feet and gives him a fisherman's suplex into a pin. 1...2... Xavier kicks out swiftly. Candyman allows Xavier to get to his feet and Xavier nails him with a forearm across his back. Once Candyman is on the floor, Xavier puts him into a sleeper hold. Amazingly, almost immediately Candyman twists his way out of it and suddenly has Xavier in the same hold!

TETE: Candyman calls that move the Sour Twist ... nice little move there.

Xavier breaks out of the hold with a snapmare. Candyman gets up. Xavier gestures for Candyman to come and get him. Candyman shakes his head.

TETE: Looks like Candyman's not about to play into Xavier's hands.

Xavier kicks at Candyman, and Candyman catches the foot. Xavier, big grin on his face, goes for an enziguri, but Candyman sees it coming and ducks. Xavier slams facefirst into the mat, Candyman still grasping tightly onto his foot. Candyman hooks Xavier into an ankle lock submission. Xavier grabs onto a rope and the ref separates them.

TETE: Candyman sure is getting a lot of use out of submission holds in this match.

FLOYD: He likes to grapple.

Xavier bounces off the ropes and goes for a clothesline. Candyman ducks under his arm, comes up behind him, and delivers a kidney punch. Xavier elbows Candyman in the ribs, then reaches into the pocket of his glittery shirt and pulls out a small glass snowglobe. He nails Candyman with it while the ref's back is turned. As Candyman lies motionless on the mat, Xavier climbs the ropes and prepares to hit a moonsault. Then he notices Mr. Mint, still talking to the baby in the front row. Xavier changes his mind about the moonsault and instead does a flying dropkick on Mr. Mint.

TETE: Now that just isn't right! What did poor old Mr. Mint ever do to Xavier?

FLOYD: What happened? I didn't see anything.

Xavier smirks and starts to strut back into the ring, but Mr. Mint won't have it. He grabs Floyd's water pitcher off the announce table and smashes it over Xavier's head. The crowd cheers wildly. Xavier collapses and Mr. Mint starts trying to lift Xavier and put him back in the ring. But he's not strong enough. Candyman is still out.

TETE: Looks like Mr. Mint wants to put Xavier within pinning reach for Candyman.

FLOYD: He's too weak, Poppa!

TETE: Poor little guy!

Suddenly, Harper comes running out from backstage and lifts Xavier into the ring. Candyman is just coming around and manages to pin Xavier. 1...2...3! Candyman wins!

TETE: Well, how do you like that?

FLOYD: Cheating, dirty little...

Candyman gets up, gingerly touching his head, and climbs between the ring ropes. He shakes Harper's hand, and Harper, Candyman, and Mr. Mint all exit to the back together, Harper chewing on one of Candyman's Jolly Ranchers.

TETE: We'll be right back with more action!

COMMERCIAL

TETE: Here we are, back and ready for our next match.

FLOYD: I accidently lost my copy of tonight's card, Papa... who's up next?

TETE: How'd you lose your card?

FLOYD: Well, I didn't lose it so much as there was a shortage of toilet paper in the bathroom.

Before Papa Tete can respond, Southtown's P.O.D. comes up over the speakers. Dino Fischetti appears under the Abbottron, throwing his arms in the air and yelling out to the audience. He wastes no time and rushes down to the ring, circling around and throwing his arms around, keeping his body stretched and prepped.

FLOYD: All right, it's Dino! I like seeing him hurt people.

TETE: Yeah, well, you may not be the biggest fan of his opponent.

FLOYD: Why? Who...?

The lights dim, the trumpets blare, and "Pink Elephants On Parade" booms over the loudspeakers.

FLOYD: Awww, no-o-o-o-o! Make it stop! It's almost as bad as La Parka's music!

The Court Jester appears, bounding out from under the Abbottron with a goofy grin on his face. He spins in circles, holding his Tag-Team belt out like it was a blessed child. He then tosses it over his shoulder, then reaches into his jacket for a whoopie cushion. As he ambles down the ramp to the ring, he tosses the whoopie cushion into the crowd. He slides under the ropes into the ring, then tosses his belt and his jacket into the corner, then gets into an exaggerated fighting stance facing Fischetti. He begins making goofy faces at his opponent.

FLOYD: C'mon, Dino, break that fool in half! No, wait, break him into four pieces... one for each of his grandparents!

TETE: Why do you hate the Jester so much?

FLOYD: Because... because... because he's an idiot!

TETE: What makes him an idiot?

FLOYD: Sa-a-a-a-ay... why are you asking? You wouldn't be some nasty red commie bastard, now, would you?

TETE: What does that have to do with anything?

The bell rings, and without hesitating, Dino rushes at the Jester, grabbing him in a bear hug before he can react. Dino lifts the Jester into the air for a few moments, then flips around and slams the Jester into the mat. Dino then pulls the Jester to his feet, punches him in the gut a few times, then whips him into the corner, following quickly after to plant his elbow right between the Jester's shoulder blades. The Clown Prince howls in pain and staggers backward, falling to his knees. Dino glares at him for a few seconds, playing absentmindedly with his long mustache, then lifts his heavy-booted foot and delivers a powerful kick to the Jester's midsection. The Jester collapses, and Dino continues pounding his feet into the Jester's stomach and chest.

TETE: It seems like Dino's got complete control of this match so far.

FLOYD: It's like I've always said, Papa... that moron's nothing without his little boy-toy Mike.

TETE: Boy-toy?

The Jester manages to roll out of the ring, landing on his feet and stumbling over to rest on the barricade, clutching his chest. Dino climbs through the ropes, then leaps off the apron and brings his elbow down across the back of the Jester's neck. The Jester falls to his knees. Dino slowly brings his hand back, grinning to the audience. He holds his punch for a few seconds, then throws his hand forward. However, the Jester manages to jump backwards, making Dino punch the barricade instead of his head. Dino howls in pain, clutching his hand.

TETE: Are you suggesting that the Jester and Mike have sexual relations?

The Jester grabs Dino's sore hand and throws him into the steel steps. Dino bounces off slightly, so the Jester delivers a sharp drop-kick to Dino's head, making him crash into the steps again and flip over them. The Jester walks up, grinning like a madman, but the referee jumps out of the ring and tells him to get back in the ring. The Jester frowns (a might big frown, too), but grabs Dino by his long dark hair and rolls him back into the ring, where he writhes around on the ring. The Jester jumps onto the apron, then climbs on top of the turnbuckle, just as Dino starts getting back to his feet, although he doesn't see the Jester behind him (also, the ref climbs back into the ring, as well).

FLOYD: You have nothing left to live for, you moron! Jump! Jump and end it all!

TETE: I think he wants to jump onto Dino, Floyd.

FLOYD: Uhh... You have plenty left to live for!! Don't jump!!

Despite Floyd's wishes, the Jester bends his legs and jumps way up, performing a full flip in mid-air before splaying his arms and legs out, intending to smash into Dino. However, when the Jester lands on Dino, the two of them fall sideways and smash the referee beneath them. The Jester rolls off and slowly climbs to his feet, the stumbles backwards against the ropes. He staggers around a bit more, circling the entire ring, during which time Dino climbs back to his feet. The Jester collides with Dino, who reflexively throws his hand up for a weak punch to the Jester's face. The Jester responds in kind, and the two keep trading blows back and forth for a while.

TETE: Both men seem to have completely worn themselves out.

FLOYD: C'mon, Dino, slap that fool harder!

Suddenly, the Brothers Hand appear at the top of the ramp and sprint down towards the ring. In their addled states, neither the Jester nor Dino notice them coming, and Remington grabs Dino while Cyril begins wailing away on the Jester. Remington pounds on Dino, forcing him into one corner, while Cyril's attack on the Jester brings the two of them into the opposite corner.

FLOYD: Hey, that's not right! Aren't they supposed to be out proselytizing or burning gay people or something?!?

TETE: Burning...?!? You really do want to get sued, don't you?!?

After a few moments of beating, the Brothers whip the Jester and Dino across the ring towards each other. The two wrestlers smash into each other, and fall to the ring, Dino on top of the Jester. Remington and Cyril jump out of the ring and head back up the ramp just as the ref regains clarity. After a few seconds, he notices the ersatz pin, and begins counting. He completes the three count and staggers to his feet, then tries to lift Dino's hand in victory, but remains unconscious.

FLOYD: All right, Dino wins!

TETE: With only a little help from the Brothers Hand.

FLOYD: Yeah, well, he owes them big for helping him win.

TETE: What're you talking about? They went after him, too.

FLOYD: See, that's the genius of the whole plan... they only made it LOOK like they were going after him.

TETE: Are you nuts? Look! He can barely even stand.

Indeed, Dino was trying to get back to his feet, but he kept falling over on his side. The Jester began thrashing his leg, and eventually he was rotating in circles in the middle of the ring. After more than a minute, the two were back on their feet and leaning up against the ropes, glaring at each other. They stagger towards each other, eventually standing toe-to-toe, but a few moments later, the Jester turns away and heads back up the ramp. Dino follows after him a few moments later.

COMMERCIAL