TETE: He seems to look especially angry today.

FLOYD: He seems to look especially fat today.

TETE: That’s a bit rude, don’t you think?

FLOYD: So what? Look at him waddle! He’s a hippopotamus!!

TETE: Well, that’s great... so far you have women’s groups, gays, midgets, and now fat people who want to sue you. Who’re you going to offend next, Mexicans?

FLOYD: I’ve been considering it.

Chet climbs into the ring, still glaring and yelling at the audience. He turns to face the entrance, but continues his slow pacing.

"Testify" by Rage Against the Machine picks up. A mixed reaction of cheers and boos comes from the audience, but it quiets down slightly after about thirty seconds, and Jimmy Steele still hasn’t appeared. In the ring, Chet steps forward in anticipation. Suddenly, Jimmy jumps over the barricade from the crowd and rushes into the ring. He clotheslines Chet over the top ropes, and the large man falls to the floor. The bell rings, and the match officially begins.

Jimmy climbs under the ropes and jumps down, hitting Chet upside the head with his elbow. Chet stumbles to his knees again, and Jimmy grabs his arm and whirls him into the steel steps. Chet again thumps to the ground. The ref appears at the ropes and yells at Jimmy to bring the fight back into the ring, so Jimmy hauls Chet to his feet and rolls him back into the ring, then follows immediately after.

FLOYD: How hard do you think it is to pull Chet up like that?

TETE: For me or for you?

Jimmy continues the attack, kicking Chet in the ribs and gut even as he climbs to his feet. Jimmy whips him into the corner, then follows after with a full-body splash. He then pulls Chet around so he can do some fist work on Chet’s upper body, but after only a few punches, Chet throws his meaty arms out and knocks Jimmy to the floor. Chet jumps after him, intending to bring his large elbow down, but Jimmy rolls out of the way. Chet slams down hard, making the whole ring shake.

FLOYD: My God, how can the ring not shatter under that pressure?

TETE: Will you give it a rest? Those jokes aren’t funny!

Chet slowly regains his footing, and he and Jimmy circle each other for a few seconds. Chet then rushes at Jimmy, intending to hit him with a clothesline, but Jimmy ducks underneath Chet’s arm, and then delivers a strong punch into Chet’s side. Chet writhes slightly, giving Jimmy a chance to grab him in a DDT. Chet falls limp, and Jimmy goes for the cover, but Chet kicks out after a count of two.

Chet climbs back up to his feet, and he and Jimmy face off in the center of the ring again. They begin exchanging blows, but eventually Chet manages to force Jimmy back into a corner. He beats Jimmy around a bit more, then tries to whip him towards the opposite turnbuckle, but Jimmy manages to reverse the throw. Chet manages to stop himself by sliding, and he jumps back up to his feet and turns around to face his opponent.

FLOYD: How can someone with that much mass nullify so much inertia?!? It’s impossible, he’s too ::a loud smacking sound is heard:: Ow!! What’d you do that for?!?

TETE: I believe I already told you to shut up.

FLOYD: All right, all right!

Jimmy rushes forward at Chet and catches the larger man in a clothesline, but Chet again bounces back up to his feet. He then whirls around and grabs Jimmy’s arm and throws him into the ropes. On the rebound, Chet tries to catch Jimmy in a powerful swinging punch, but Jimmy ducks under the attack. He bounces off the opposite ropes, and rushes towards Chet, just as Chet turns around. Jimmy lowers his body and grabs Chet behind the thighs, and actually lifts the heavier man slightly off the ground for a powerbomb. Jimmy then drops for the cover, and this time, the ref makes the three count before Chet could get his shoulder up.

Jimmy jumps up and yells his delight, jumping up on the turnbuckle and raising his arms to the audience. "Testify" comes back up over the sound system, and with a smug grin of triumph to Chet, he stomps back up the ramp, his posture a little straighter. Chet stays seated on the mat for a few moments more before he, too, stomps back up the ramp.

TETE: It looked like Jimmy had something to be happy about for once.

FLOYD: Yeah, it was scary... I think that was the first time I’d ever seen him smile.

TETE: But Chet certainly didn’t look happy about losing... almost as if he didn’t want to disappoint someone. Do you think C-Cube may punish Chet for this?

FLOYD: Maybe... perhaps he’ll halve Chet’s food supply?

TETE: Floyd...

FLOYD: All right, all right, put your fist down! Sheesh... don’t you know how sensitive I am?

TETE: I don’t know and I don’t care. But coming up next, we’re going to see a pair of newcomers to the USXWF go at it... Candyman and the Harbinger.

"Lollipop" by Aqua comes up over the speakers, and Candyman appears at the top of the ramp, smiling wide and holding his arms up and out to the audience. He’s followed by Mr. Mint, who is leaning on his cane ever so slightly and carrying a small bag dangling at his waist. As the two proceed down the ramp, Mr. Mint tosses the little candies into the audience. Candyman hops into the ring, and Mr. Mint takes his place in Candyman’s corner.

TETE: It looks like the audience likes Candyman, Floyd.

FLOYD: Well, I sure don’t, Papa.

TETE: Why’s that?

FLOYD: He’s not sending any candy over my way! Boo! Boooo!

Candyman’s music is replaced by Rob Zombie’s "Superbeast", and between two large gouts of flame, the Gatekeeper steps out. He pauses for a few moments, and the Harbinger follows after him. The two stride down the ramp in matched step, and the Harbinger climbs into the ring and the Gatekeeper takes up residence in the corner opposite of Mr. Mint.

The bell rings, and the two immediately rush towards each other. They lock up for a few seconds, but the much larger Harbinger gains the upper hand, and flings Candyman into the corner, then follows up immediately afterward with a strong shoulder to Candyman’s chest. He then begins delivering strong punches across the Candyman’s upper body. The beating continues until Mr. Mint hops up onto the turnbuckle and smacks Harbinger upside the head with his cane.

FLOYD: Wait a minute, that’s not allowed to happen!

TETE: I guess the referee missed it.

FLOYD: Well, we didn’t. I think that we should be the referee’s for these matches, Papa.

Harbinger takes a few steps back, giving Candyman a chance to jump forward and catch Harbinger across the midsection, then twists him around so that Harbinger loses his footing and falls to the mat. Candyman immediately follows up by jumping into the air and dropping his elbow down across Harbinger’s forehead.

TETE: Candyman’s making a comeback in this match, it looks like.

FLOYD: Yeah, but he still hasn’t given me any candy.

TETE: Stop pouting, you idiot.

Candyman is back on his feet immediately, and Harbinger follows a bit slower. Candyman backs up into the corner, then rushes forward and delivers a high drop-kick to the Harbinger’s head. The larger man staggers back, getting hung up on the turnbuckle. Candyman replicates Harbinger’s earlier move by rushing forward and jumping to deliver his elbow right into Harbinger’s chest, but the Gatekeeper hops up onto the turnbuckle and delivers his forearm across Candyman’s head. Candyman smashes into his opponent, but then crashes down to the mat. Harbinger, stunned, collapses forward, and smashes into Candyman.

FLOYD: Ouch, ouch, ouch! That’s like the lumberjack that got caught under the redwood!

TETE: Quite the accurate analogy, Floyd.

The ref sees it as a cover and begins counting, but Candyman kicks out shortly after one. He pulls himself out from underneath the Harbinger, and the two of them slowly regain their footing. Harbinger gets back to his feet first, and grabs Candyman and whips him into the opposite ropes. As Candyman bounces back, Harbinger raises his foot and kicks him in the face. Candyman collapses to the ring floor.

TETE: Ooh, what a powerful kick to the face!

FLOYD: I wonder if there’s any gum or dog crap on the bottom of his shoe.

TETE: Only you would wonder that, Floyd.

Harbinger goes for the cover, but Mr. Mint hops into the ring and, once again, smacks Harbinger upside the head with his cane, disrupting the three-count. However, this time, the Gatekeeper is quick to climb into the ring, and he grabs Mr. Mint’s jacket and forces him into the corner, making Mint drop his cane. The ref is quick to separate them, and he pushes the Gatekeeper back into his corner. While the referee remains distracted, Candyman struggles back to his knees, grabs Mr. Mint’s cane, and swings it up between the Harbinger’s legs. Harbinger collapses to his knees, grasping his groin gingerly, and Candyman grabs Harbinger’s head and, with a powerful leap, slams it down into the mat. He quickly goes for the pin, just as the referee turns back around. The ref dives down to begin counting.

As he does, the Gatekeeper runs back into the ring to break up the pin, but Mr. Mint is quick to intercept him. The ref finishes up the three count, and Candyman jumps up with his arms in the air, and his music comes back up over the sound system.

TETE: Mr. Mint and the Gatekeeper were what determined the outcome of this match!

FLOYD: They’re still going at it, Papa!

Indeed, the referee quickly rushes over to pull the two men apart. Candyman comes to Mr. Mint’s aid, and the Gatekeeper decides to back off. Candyman and Mr. Mint hop out of the ring and head back up the ramp, as the Gatekeeper helps Harbinger back up to his feet. They glare at the victors for a few moments as Candyman and Mr. Mint disappear underneath the Abbottron. They then decide to follow after them.

TETE: It looks like Candyman is making a name for himself in the USXWF.

FLOYD: Ah, that’s not too tough. I’ve made a name for myself really easily.

TETE: Perhaps, but can you defeat someone who weighs 120 pounds more than you?

FLOYD: Well, yeah... if I had a tank on my side.

TETE: Well, maybe so, but in either case, it looks like we've got more backstage goings-ons to show...

FLOYD: "Goings-ons"?

We cut to the backstage area. C-Cube and the Brothers Hand are walking down the hallway and they reach a dressing room marked SERVANTS OF SHIVA.

C-CUBE: I cannot believe Chester's arrogance. He'll have to be punished once they're through treating him for-

C-Cube leads the way into the locker room and notices all of the candles in the room are out. He grabs a match from a cache in the doorjamb, strikes one, and lights it, revealing Malice crouching in a corner. The Brothers Hand immediately move towards Malice, but C-Cube raises his hand.

C-CUBE: No. I'd like to hear what he wants.

MALICE: I want my sister.

C-CUBE: We don't have her. If we did, do you think we'd hide it?

MALICE: Hard to say. You've always puzzled me, C-Cube. I can't tell if your purification through pain line is a gimmick, or if you're actually
insane enough to believe it. If you believe it, then you're not lying. If, however, you're just a glorified con man, what would be stopping you from lying about this, too?

C-CUBE: You're confused. Sit down. Talk to us.

MALICE: No, I think I'd just as soon stand.

C-CUBE: Don't trust me, sinner?

MALICE: I'd just rather not be shaving my head and dancing the hula or whatever this time tomorrow.

C-CUBE: Well, we don't have her. We can't help you.

MALICE: But you knew she was missing before I did.

C-CUBE: That's merely because I saw your brothers ransacking their locker room looking for her. Being observant is a useful gift. I used it against you Tuesday night.

MALICE: Yes, I guess you did.

Malice turns to go.

C-CUBE: Of course, there were other things I observed last night ... things that led me to the belief your sister had been kidnapped.

Malice turns around, and levels his eyes on C-Cube's.

MALICE: What kinds of things?

C-CUBE: Not so fast, little sinner. Karmic debt is not so easily paid. First you'll have to do something for me...

We cut back to Tete and Floyd.

TETE: What the-? What happened?

FLOYD: What's C-Cube gonna make Malice do?

TETE: Awww, hell, this is inconvenient!

FLOYD: Not only is it inconvenient, it's making my head hurt!

TETE: We wouldn't want that, would we?

FLOYD: Of course not... there're valuable treasures in there.

TETE: Ri-i-i-ight... anyway, coming up next, we have a European Championship match coming up, with Greg Tibbs putting his belt on the line against Avron Longarm.

FLOYD: Wait, wait, wait, there must be some mistake, Papa. It says it’s a tag-team match.

TETE: No mistake. Harper will be fighting with Avron, and Xavier will be fighting with Tibbs.

FLOYD: They’re not going for the belt themselves? Seems fishy to me...

TETE: I agree. Tibbs is taking a big risk trusting Xavier with this one.

FLOYD: I was talking about Harper.

Limp Bizkit’s "Break Stuff" comes over the speakers, and Greg "The Machine" Tibbs appears, followed by Xavier, neither looking very pleasant. The two make their way down to the ring, where they wait for their opponents. They bounce off the ropes in their impatience, and glare around at the audience.

Avron Longarm’s japanese-esque entrance them hits, and he and Harper both appear. Both appear armed with a calm demeanor... indeed, Avron pauses at the top of the ramp, arms held out, eyes closed. He takes a few deep breaths before following Harper, who waits patiently a few steps down the ramp. The two climb into the ring, and Avron steps out first, leaving Harper in the ring with Xavier.

TETE: Oh my... this ought to be interesting.

FLOYD: What, the fact that neither of these two seem to ever say anything?

TETE: No, the fact that these two are capable of some of the greatest high-flying feats known to wrestling.

The bell rings. Harper and Xavier stare at each other, sizing each other up, looking for weaknesses and openings. Almost unconsciously, they begin to circle each other. After nearly half a minute, Xavier finally launches himself forward, going for a flying clothesline. Harper, surprised, manages to duck backwards, catching Xavier’s outstretched arm in the chest, but managing to fall with it. They both climb back to their feet, but Xavier allows no quarter as he drops down and, supporting himself with one arm, throws both his feet out into Harper’s legs. Harper falls forward, catching his chin on Xavier’s boot, becoming momentarily stunned.

Xavier hops up onto the turnbuckle and just as quickly jumps off, corkscrewing around in midair, intending to bring his upper arm down across Harper’s neck. But Harper rolls out of the way just in time, and Xavier, miscalculating where his arm would land, crashes into the mat, pulling his muscles in the wrong areas. Harper uses the opportunity to yank Xavier to his feet, and then whips him into the ropes. Xavier bounces back, and Harper links his arm and lifts him high into the air, then slams him back down into the ring.

FLOYD: I think those guys must have anti-gravity devices built into their butts or something.

TETE: ... I think that’s the stupidest thing you’ve said to date.

FLOYD: Ah, Papa, you’re always exaggerating... I’m not going to date it.

Harper tags in Avron, who immediately hops into the ring, grabs Xavier, and whips him into the ropes in an exact repeat of what Harper just did earlier. This time, however, Harper gets down on his hands and knees, and Avron steps onto Harper’s back and jumps off, spinning in the air, and catches Xavier upside the head with a spinning heel kick. Xavier slumps to the ground, and Avron goes for the pin.

TETE: We could have a new European Champion here...

Just as the referee starts counting, Tibbs leaps into the ring and kicks Avron upside the head, ruining the pin. The ref immediately begins yelling at Tibbs to step out of the ring, and he does so, albeit a tad hesitantly. As Tibbs steps between the ropes, Avron jumps forward and catches Tibbs in a dropkick, knocking the large man to the floor.

TETE: I guess Avron doesn’t like someone breaking the rules.

FLOYD: Oh no, he doesn’t like someone breaking the rules! What a pansy! What a flower!

TETE: Would you get in the ring with him?

FLOYD: Hell no, he’d hurt me.

TETE: Then what does that make you?

FLOYD: Smart.

During all this, Xavier climbs back to his feet, and backs into one of the turnbuckles to regain his presence of mind. Avron rushes forward at him to deliver a jump-kick, but Xavier ducks out of the way, making Avron go through the ropes towards the ring pole. Luckily, Avron manages to stop himself be hitting the pole with his foot, and then kicks right back off and catches Xavier in a makeshift tackle. They both fall to the mat, but Xavier manages to roll back up to his feet first. He uses his continuing moment to jump onto the ropes and then rebound at Avron, who was still getting back up to his knees. Xavier plants both his feet into Avron’s face, and they both collapse.

TETE: Desperation maneuver by Xavier takes them both out?

FLOYD: What just happened?!? I could keep track with all that movement going on.

TETE: Perhaps you were just distracted by your kiddie porn?

FLOYD: I’m serious, Papa, those two put Jet Li to shame.

TETE: Oh, come on, Floyd, now you’re exaggerating. You’re never serious.

FLOYD: You’re right. Shame on me.

Xavier and Avron slowly regain their senses, and crawl towards their respective corners. They tag in their partners at the same time, and Harper and Greg Tibbs rush in at each other. Harper ducks under Tibbs’ initial clothesline, but that doesn’t stop Tibbs from wailing away at Harper’s midsection with his powerful fists.

Harper backs into a corner, with Tibbs trading off between throwing punches and planting kicks. Tibbs then whips Harper into the opposite corner, but Harper manages to grab onto the edges of the ropes and throw his body into the air. Tibbs, intending to follow up with a shoulder into Harper’s back, instead gets his head caught by Harper’s feet. By pulling sharply on one of the ropes, Harper is able to twist his body sideways, pulling Tibbs down with him. Tibbs quickly gets back to his feet, but Harper is up on the turnbuckle too fast.

But just as Harper is about to jump down on Tibbs, Xavier pulls down on one of the ropes, making Harper fall down with the turnbuckle between his legs. Tibbs puts his arms around Harper’s neck and lifts him off the turnbuckle, then drops down for a suplex. Xavier, meanwhile, is caught unawares outside the ring by Avron. Avron surprises Xavier with a jump-kick into the ring post, and Xavier bounces off and crashes to the floor. The ref notices the skirmish and goes to break it up, and as such, he doesn’t notice when Tibbs places the pin on Harper.

FLOYD: Turn around, you stupid ref, turn around! Tibbs has had the pin for a count of twenty by now, at least!

Avron drops his elbow down onto Xavier’s back, then leaves him at the prodding of the ref and returns to his corner of the ring. Finally, the ref notices the pin and goes to start counting, but almost as soon as he does, Harper manages to get his shoulder up.

TETE: Tibbs just barely missing the win there...

FLOYD: Damn those refs... we should have them get eyes surgically implanted in the backs of their heads. And maybe one on each butt cheek, too.

TETE: Don’t you think that’s a tad unrealistic?

FLOYD: Hey, if it weren’t unrealistic, it wouldn’t be Floyd!

Tibbs pulls Harper back up to his feet and pounds him in the head a few times, then throws Harper towards the ropes on the opposite side of the ring. Harper manages to link his arms around the ropes, keeping him from flying back into Tibbs’ less-than-welcoming hands. Tibbs rushes forward, but Harper throws his legs up, catching Tibbs in a solid kick to the jaw. Tibbs stumbles backwards, and Harper uses the opportunity to stagger over to his corner, where he tags Avron in.

Avron immediate climbs onto the turnbuckle and leaps off, bringing his leg down across the top of Tibbs’ head. Avron then climbs onto Tibbs’ back, pins Tibbs’ legs into place with his own, then wraps his arm underneath Tibbs’ armpits, and then locks his hands together across the back of Tibbs’ neck. He pulls tightly in this submission move, putting painful strain into both of Tibbs’ shoulders. After only a few seconds, Tibbs screams in pain and begins tapping his arm against the mat. The referee calls for the bell, and raises Avron’s hand as the winner.

TETE: Avron Longarm just beat Greg Tibbs into submission! Avron won the European Championship belt!

FLOYD: But Avron’s from Asia, not Europe!

Avron is presented with the belt, and he rushes over to where Harper is leaning up against the ring post. They trade words for a few seconds, then proceed up the ramp, with Avron’s stylistic music playing over the speakers. Tibbs lies motionless in the middle of the ring for a few moments before he climbs to his feet, just as Xavier regains his sense of clarity. Tibbs hops out of the ring, and the two exchange heated words as they, too, return up the ramp.

TETE: Tibbs doesn’t seem too pleased with Xavier at the moment.

FLOYD: Tibbs doesn’t seem too pleased with anything at the moment.

TETE: Can’t blame him, really.

FLOYD: I can.

TETE: But of course, you have problems.

FLOYD: Doesn’t everybody?

TETE: Of course. And speaking of problems, these next two competitors seem to be able to fill every niche in the problem-spectrum.

Right then, Bon Jovi’s "You Give Love A Bad Name" come up. Soon after, Trent appears, tilting the brim of his hat as he walks in. He glances around with a stern expression on his face as he approaches the ring. He slides in under the ropes and places his hat, with a rose in it, in one of the ring corners. He then turns and waits for his opponent.

He doesn’t have to wait very long. The lights go out, "Duel Of The Fates" hits the speakers, and the Mask appears, accompanied by Tanner. A blue spotlight traces their progress as they make their way down the ramp. The Mask steps over the ropes, and stands glaring at Trent.

TETE: This is going to be a very extreme grudge match, Floyd. Both of these two men would love to kill the other.

FLOYD: Here’s hoping one of them succeeds. That’d triple our ratings.

TETE: That’s a barbaric thing to say.

FLOYD: It’s a barbaric business, Papa.

The lights come back on, and the two wrestlers step forward. The bell rings, and still they stare each other down. Trent’s eyes flash wildly, and the muscles in his face and neck tighten. The Mask remains a statue, showing no outward sign of any mental or emotional turmoil. After more than a minute, Trent begins unleashing a powerful volley of jabs to the Mask’s gut and chest, driving the much larger man (if he really is a man) into the corner.

TETE: Trent’s bringing on the action fast and furious with this one.

FLOYD: Perhaps he loaded up on Red Bull?

TETE: He’s not X-Pac, Floyd.

Trent continues the beating for quite a while, then whips the Mask into the ropes. On the bounceback, Trent catches the Mask in the gut with his shoulder, then lifts the Mask over and slams him down. The whole ring vibrates violently as if a train had just hit it. Trent then bounces off the ropes himself, and uses the momentum to run forward and drop his elbow across the Masks’ chest.

FLOYD: How in the world was Trent able to lift the Mask?

TETE: Perhaps it’s a little bit of adrenaline.

FLOYD: Perhaps Trent shot himself up.

TETE: Are you implying that Trent’s pumped up with steroids?

FLOYD: Not implying... saying.

TETE: That’s a ridiculous assumption, Floyd, even for you.

Trent again backs into the ropes to repeat the same move, but Tanner catches ahold of his legs, causing Trent to fall forward. Trent whirls around, and prepares to jump out of the ring after Tanner, but the ref stops him. Trent then yells at the ref, saying that Tanner was messing with the match. During all this, the Mask manages to get back up to his feet. He lumbers forward towards Trent, and just as Trent notices the giant standing behind him, the Mask wraps his hand around Trent’s throat.

TETE: Oh no, the Mask’s going for a chokeslam...!

FLOYD: This one’s gonna hurt...

Just as the Mask is about to lift, Trent wraps his arms around the top rope, preventing the Mask from lifting Trent. So instead of the chokeslam, the Mask delivers an uppercut into Trent’s stomach. Trent doubles over in pain. The Mask grabs Trent’s arm and hauls him back up, then lifts Trent up for a suplex. Trent slams into the mat and begins writhing in pain. Once again, the Mask hauls Trent back up, and for a second time grasps Trent’s throat. This time, he manages to lift Trent high into the air, and then chokeslams him back down onto the mat.

TETE: That’s it, this has to be over. There’s no way Trent can keep going after that!

The Mask drops for a cover, and the ref begins counting... 1... 2... amazingly, Trent kicks out just before 3!

FLOYD: Looks like you spoke too soon, Papa!

The Mask jumps up, surprised that Trent was still fighting, but Trent manages to jump back up to his feet. He backs away from the Mask, breathing heavily and limping slightly. The two circle each other for several moments before locking up again. The Mask forces Trent down to his knees through sheer brute strength, but with a surge of strength, Trent kicks his legs forward, and the two bounce off the ropes. Trent uses the momentum to throw the Mask into the opposite ropes, and on the rebound, he throws his arms underneath the Mask’s legs and lifts him up for a powerbomb!!

TETE: My god, how’d he manage to lift the Mask?!?

Trent immediately dives for the cover, and the ref begins counting. Tanner tries to leap into the ring to disrupt the pin, but he trips on the rope and falls down. The ref finishes the three count; Trent wins!

TETE: We have a new Intercontinental Champion!

FLOYD: Jeez, he must be high on something! The Mask is twice his size!!