TETE: Trent’s not on steroids, Floyd, get over it.

FLOYD: Maybe not steroids, but perhaps he swallowed a few dozen packets of sugar, or drank a lot of Pepsi or something?

TETE: Get over it, Floyd, get over it. Especially since we have your favorite wrestlers coming up next.

FLOYD: The mud-wrestling girls from the Nudie Bar?

TETE: Close... the Sideshow!

FLOYD: No! No no no no no!! Papa, you horrible person, you’re getting all my hopes up!!

TETE: They’re scheduled tonight to fight - get this - both the Brothers Hand and Dirty Deeds, with the tag-team belt on the line!

FLOYD: Can I just pay ‘em to throw the match? Or not even come out! I’ll give them... fifty... sixty... sixty-two dollars! And I’ll even throw in my wedding ring!

TETE: Floyd, I didn’t know you’re married.

FLOYD: I’m not, I got this in a box of Rice Krispies... I think it looks pretty.

Just then, the lights go down, the trumpets blare, and "Pink Elephants On Parade" comes up over the loudspeakers. The Court Jester ambles into view, followed by Mike the Chicken Eater, both displaying the Tag-Team belts proudly. They dance goofily down the ramp, the Jester tossing a couple of whoopie cushions and a rubber chicken into the audience. They climb into the ring and await their opponents.

P.O.D.’s "Southtown" comes up over the speakers, and Dirty Deeds, Dino Fischetti and Big Bald Bitch, both appear, wearing their long coat and wraparound sunglasses. They glance around at the audience before marching down the ramp and climbing into the ring. They glare at the Sideshow for a few moments, then remove their jackets and sunglasses and toss them in the corner.

"Mahadeva" hits the speakers, and the Brothers Hand step out, both with a calm, serene look on their face. They spend a few moments atop the ramp with their eyes closed, mumbling a hushed meditation, before they, too, proceed down to the ring where they await the match to start. Remington chooses to stay in the ring first, while Dino and the Jester also opt to start.

TETE: Neither of these three teams can stand the others, but I think the biggest rivalry is between the Sideshow and the Brothers Hand.

FLOYD: Well, Papa, they’ve been at each others throats since last May.

The bell rings, and, sure enough, Remington rushes forward with a spear to the Jester. The two of them crash into the turnbuckle, where Remington proceeds to pound on the Jester’s head with his forearm. But the Jester lifts his knee into Remington’s gut and reverses the two of them, and proceeds to smack Remington across the chest. During this, however, Dino watches with a bemused look on his face, but after a while he steps forward and grabs the Jester’s arm, and pulls him away. The Jester falls to the ring and rolls back up to his feet, and Dino begins to pound Remington.

The Jester takes a few steps back, then rushes forward, and plants a drop-kick into the small of Dino’s back, causing Dino to smash Remington. Dino whirls around, intent on going after the Jester, while Remington slumps to the mat. The Jester gestures to Dino to bring it on, and Dino rushes forward, but the Jester leaps up, puts his hands on Dino’s shoulders, and flips over him.

FLOYD: Hey! This isn’t Leapfrog, you idiot!

TETE: But it proves effective, Floyd!

The Jester crouches down and sweeps his leg around, tripping Dino. As Dino falls, the Jester brings his foot around again and kicks up, catching Dino in the back of the neck. While this was happening, Remington manages to pull himself to his feet, and he tags in his brother, Cyril. While the Jester celebrates, Cyril climbs the turnbuckle and leaps off. He wraps his legs around the Jester’s neck as he falls, and twists around for a hurricanra. The Jester flops to the mat. Cyril then climbs atop the turnbuckle again, intending to duplicate the maneuver on Dino Fishchetti, but Big Bald Bitch appears behind him, reaches up, and grabs Cyril by his belt. Bitch then pulls Cyril off the turnbuckle and slams him down to the ground outside the ring..

TETE: Ouch!! That had to be a good eight-foot fall, right onto the unpadded floor!

FLOYD: Cyril’s gonna need a disk or two put back into place tonight.

Bitch begins stomping away at Cyril’s already-limp form, and Remington rushes over to help, but he’s intercepted by Mike, who tackles him into the ringside barricade. Inside the ring, the Jester and Dino continue going at it, trading blows in the corner, and since the ref was keeping an eye on them, he doesn’t notice the carnage outside the ring. The beating of Remington and Cyril continues for a few seconds, when suddenly Chet Stevens appears at the top of the ramp, running down to the ring as fast as he can go.

FLOYD: Earthqua-a-a-a-a-a-ake! ::another smacking sound is heard:: Ow!! Stop that!!

Chet grabs Big Bald Bitch and slams him into the ring post, then wraps his arm around Mike the Chicken Eater and suplexes him into the floor.

TETE: It looks like Chet’s trying to redeem his earlier defeat!!

FLOYD: Turn around, ref! Call a DQ!!

Dino and the Jester continue fighting, unaware of the events outside the ring. Dino grabs the Jester’s arm and hauls him over his shoulder, accidently throwing the Jester into the ref, knocking both down. That’s when Dino notices Chet outside the ring, so he goes to help his partner. However, as soon as Dino climbs outside the ring, Remington appears to stop him. The two of them begin pounding at each other, but soon, Remington throws Dino into the steel ring steps. Dino ricochets off and rolls against the barricade. Before Remington can press the attack, another figure appears at the top of the ramp!

TETE: It’s James Sharp! The new guy!

FLOYD: Who?

TETE: He just got hired! He wasn’t even supposed to start wrestling until this Friday!

Sharp runs down the ramp and slams his shoulder into Remington, knocking him into the apron. James pounds on Remington for a few moments until Chet notices his presence, and rushes over to help.. Chet grabs Sharp’s shoulder and whirls him around, delivering a powerful punch upside his head as he did so. Sharp staggers backward, while Chet presses the attack.

During all of this, Cyril manages to climb back into the ring. He notices the Jester, still lying where Dino had dropped him. He crawls over and drapes his hand over the Jester’s chest. The referee, still disoriented, notices the pin and immediately begins pounding rather quickly on the mat... 1... 2... 3...!

TETE: Wait a minute... did Cyril just pin the Jester?!?

FLOYD: If he did, that was a fast count, Papa!

TETE: The ref’s holding up Cyril’s hand... I guess he did win! We have new Tag-Team champions!!

The bell sounds, making everybody around the ring look up at the referee holding Cyril’s hand in the air. Chet cheers, only to be caught off guard by a quick kick from James Sharp. Mike climbs into the ring and stands staring at the fallen Jester. After being handed the belts, Cyril jumps out of the ring and grabs his brother by the shoulder and helps him back up the ramp. Make kneels down next to the Jester and shakes the taller man awake. The Jester jerks up, and, upon noticing the Brothers’ music playing, glares up the ramp. He immediately jumps to his feet and runs to the ropes, shouting his objections.

Dino Fischetti climbs to his feet, and exchanges a few words with James Sharp. Bitch joins them, and Dirty Deeds collects their coats, then returns back up the entrance ramp with Sharp.

TETE: Wait a minute... has James Sharp allied himself with Dirty Deeds?

FLOYD: Either that or he’s their new butler, Papa.

TETE: And look at the Jester... he doesn’t look happy.

Indeed, the Jester was stomping in circles, yelling at Mike, the referee, the audience, the ring, the turnbuckles, and anything else that happened to be nearby. After several moments, Mike tugged on his arm, and the two left the ring, the Jester hanging his head and frowning noticeably.

TETE: What a development! The Jester has been stripped of the title, stripped of his only source of pride, stripped of his position in the USXWF!

FLOYD: Please, I do NOT want to think about him stripping!

TETE: There’s no way he’ll let the Brothers Hand or Chet Stevens get away with this. You’ve seen how he holds a grudge.

FLOYD: Stop raining on my parade, Papa, I’m glad to see that idiot humiliated.

TETE: Even if it means the Brothers Hand walk away victorious?

FLOYD: Hey, I’ll worry about seeing them humiliated later.

TETE: Well... moving on... it looks like we have even more behind-the-scenes footage to bring to our audience...

We are backstage again, this time watching the end of the triple threat tag team match on a TV are Malice and C-Cube. C-Cube turns to Malice.

C-CUBE: Remember our agreement. You follow through, and I'll tell you what I know.

MALICE: How can I trust you? Look at what your people just did! How can I trust someone like you?

C-CUBE: You can't.

We cut back to the ring, where Marty Hart's music is just hitting, and the Glass Man is coming down to a huge, hateful rendition of boos. In the ring have now been placed three three-by-six foot glass boxes. The ring is surrounded by six cardboard boxes full of broken glass as well.

TETE: The rules for this match: first man to put his opponent through one of those glass boxes in the ring is the winner! Anything goes in this matchup, folks, so we are looking at one dangerous event.

FLOYD: Yeah, those cardboard boxes full of glass were pretty conveniently located, weren't they?

TETE: You could say that.

A strong wind hits the arena, "Supernova Goes Pop" hits, and Malice smashes through the glass window of the Executive Booth and swings down to the ring on a rope, kicking over Hart when he lands. The bell rings to signify the start of the match as Hart stumbles into the glass box and tips it over, but it rights itself. Malice delivers a stinging slap to Hart's chest, then another, then another. Hart slaps back. Malice angrily suplexes Hart over his head, over the ropes, and directly into one of the boxes fullof glass on the outside of the ring. Hart lands, inconveniently enough, on his ass, and howls in pain.

TETE: That's never pleasant.

FLOYD: He'll be picking glass out of his caboose for days.

TETE: If he survives!

Tete says this just as Malice hurls himself over the ropes and hits Hart with a dropkick. Hart reaches under the ring in a fury, grabs a steel chair, and nails Malice over the head with it as hard as he can. Malice gets immediately to his feet! Hart nails him with the chair again, in disbelief. Malice falls again, but gets up again.

TETE: Amazing! Malice is too driven by fury to stay down!

FLOYD: Well, he'll be hurting tomorrow.

Hart goes after Malice with the chair again, but Malice has the presence of mind to lift his arms and grab the chair from Hart on its downward descent. He then brings the chair down on Hart's head instead. Hart hits the concrete hard, out like a light. Malice grabs one of the boxes of broken glass and the steel chair. He sets the steel chair on top of one of the three glass boxes in the ring, then the box of glass on top of the chair. Malice then grabs Hart and shoves him into the ring and on top of the glass box. He grabs Hart and prepares for a jackknife powerbomb through the box of glass, the steel chair, and the glass box!

TETE: No! No, Malice, you'll kill yourself AND him!

Malice can be heard screaming, "Where is she?!" Hart, now wide awake, is violently shaking his head. He says he doesn't know. Hart squirms loose from Malice's grip and jumps off of one of the glass boxes and onto another one Malice hurls the box of broken glass at him, and it strikes him square in the face. Hart staggers back, but miraculously is only momentarily stunned. In a blind, bleeding fury he dives off of his box and back onto Malice's, a shard of glass in his hand. He swings for Malice's gut, intending to do him severe damage.

TETE: Good God! Someone's gonna get killed! Somebody break this up!

Malice, while dodging Hart's attacks with the knife, whirls around, manages to fold up the steel chair, and tucks it under his arm as he jumps back down to the mat. Hart is momentarily confused by Malice's swift disappearance, and looks down - just in time to see Malice shatter the glass box Hart is standing on with the steel chair. Hart lies in a heap underneath a tremendous amount of glass. Malice, having lost it momentarily, begins beating him with the steel chair. A ref comes out and tries to pull Malice away, but it does no good. Five refs are out before you can say, "Austin on a rampage".

TETE: Malice has lost his mind!

FLOYD: Do you think it was Hart that took his sister?

TETE: Malice sure seems to think so! If it was, Malice had better back off, or he'll kill Hart before he can confess!

Finally, Diego Cabrera appears and pulls Malice away. Malice tosses down the chair and heads into the back, head down, as EMTs start to work on Hart.

EMTs rush Hart out of the ring and head for the back as "Black is Black" hits and Cabrera dives between the ropes, spits on his hands and rubs them together, and waits for the Laser Show.

TETE: This match of course another of our three main events ... this one for the ownership of the USXWF and for the honor of Diego Cabrera's daughter.

"Woke Up This Morning" hits and Laser appears at the top of the ramp, mic in hand.

LASER: I just want you all to know that I am participating in this match under extreme duress ... I have been extorted into participating in this event, and should Diego Cabrera be the winner, I intend on filing paperwork with the Better Business Bureau regarding the business practices of the so-called Founding Five!

Cabrera smirks and motions for Laser to come down to the ring.

LASER: Hold on ... I'm not finished yet. Now, you guys may think you have me over a barrel here, and you've already conned me good. But you don't shit a shitter, and if you thought you were the only ones with tricks up your sleeves, you were wrong. So I'd like to introduce the special guest referee for this matchup tonight...

"Takin' Care of Business" hits and the audience boos loudly.

LASER: Henry Abbott!

Abbott appears from the back, wearing a referee's uniform. He seems to revel in the crowd's hatred of him. He blows them kisses and walks down to the ring, his arm around Laser's shoulder. Cabrera looks devastated.

TETE: Dammit! I should have known that Laser would find a way to cheat!

FLOYD: Cheat? Henry Abbott is the former owner and CEO of the USXWF! You don't think he's qualified to call a major pay-per-view match down the middle?

TETE: I think he's qualified, I just don't think he will.

"Hail to the Chief" hits and the crowd responds hugely as Chris Benton comes out, mic in hand - and ref's shirt on.

BENTON: Hold it, hold it, hold it, my friends. Seems like everybody who's got something to gain is represented here ... except for the Founding Five. So, the ruling is this: there will be two special guest referees for this match, myself and Hank over there. We will keep each other in check as well as the competitors. We will make the count together. If there is a disagreement on a winner, we will go to an impartial third party. And if anyone has a problem with that, then there are some Mexican police officers waiting in my office to speak with you, Rico.

The crowd pops.

TETE: Ha ha! Benton's laying down the law on Laser.

FLOYD: That's what cheating is, Poppa! That's extortion! He could go to jail for that, you know!

Benton and Abbott get into the ring. Benton signals for the bell to ring, and it does, and Cabrera charges at Laser immediately and with no mercy. Laser ducks a clothesline and delivers a front kick to Cabrera's spine, which sends him falling forward into the ropes. He bounces off, and Laser grabs him and nails him with a full nelson slam.

TETE: A power move from Rico Laser! That's rare.

Cabrera shakily gets to his feet and begins throwing random martial arts combinations at Laser. Laser manages to block most of them, but gets clocked by a flying back kick to the jaw that sends him reeling backwards. Cabrera takes the opportunity to hit the stunned Laser Show with a Japanese Arm Drag. Cabrera goes for a pin. Abbott and Benton both count, keeping a close eye on one another. 1...2... but Laser kicks out, much to Benton's disappointment.

Cabrera pulls Laser to his feet and tries to whip him into the ropes, but Laser reverses the whip and hits Cabrera with the Scope (a flying heelkick off the ropes) on his way back. Cabrera hits the mat and Laser climbs to the top turnbuckle, calling for the Laser Beam. The audience is booing. Laser gets ready to do it, but Cabrera is up, and he hits Laser with a low blow and Laser falls backwards off the turnbuckle. He lands in Cabrera's arms and Cabrera performs a piledriver on Laser!

TETE: Now Cabrera with a power move! Wow!

FLOYD: Where has he found the time to practice this stuff, what with all the hoopla over Malice's sister?

Cabrera goes for another pin. 1...2... a long, long two and Laser gets a shoulder up. Cabrera whips Laser into the corner. Cabrera comes running, shoulder-first, towards Laser, but Laser jumps on top of the turnbuckle just in the nick of time, and Cabrera bangs his shoulder into the steel turnbuckle.

TETE: Ouch! You could hear that one all the way in the Executive Suite!

Laser pulls Cabrera out of the ring and whips him into the steel stairs at one of the corners. Cabrera's head bangs against the steel, and Laser puts him back in the ring and lays him out in the center of it. Laser grabs up one of the steel steps, gets in the ring, and places it on top of Cabrera's prone body, then heads out of the ring again to pick up another set of steel stairs.

TETE: I don't like the looks of this at all...

FLOYD: Looks like our CEO is gonna have to be mailed back to Mexico in an envelope.

Laser climbs to the top turnbuckle in one of the corners, raises the steps above his head, and screams. Just then, Benton comes between him and Cabrera, shaking his head.

TETE: Benton putting a stop to this.

FLOYD: A little late, isn't he?

Abbott steps between Laser and Benton. He disagrees with what Benton is saying. The argument is becoming heated. Abbott shoves Benton. Benton shoves Abbott back. Abbott throws a punch. Benton nails a DDT on Abbott and the crowd goes nuts. Laser is furious and comes after Benton with the steel steps. Laser is tripped, however, by a now wide awake Cabrera, and Laser falls and hits his head on the stairs on his way down. Cabrera goes for the pin. Benton counts. 1...2...3! Cabrera wins!

TETE: It's over! It's over! Cabrera wins!

FLOYD: Wait a minute, Poppa, it isn't over yet!

Abbott stands up and grabs Benton's arm, which is holding Cabrera's arm aloft in victory, and shoves it down. Abbott gets on the mic.

ABBOTT: Seeing as the other, original referee was unable to make the count, and seeing as steel stairs WERE used in Mr. Cabrera's "finishing maneuver", it is my contention as spokesperson for Mr. Laser that there should have been a disqualification the moment Mr. Laser's head hit those steps. Therefore, as referee of this match, I say Mr. Cabrera is disqualified, and hence, Mr. Laser is the winner.

Benton grabs the mic out of Abbott's hand.

BENTON: Sorry, but you're not the only ref here. Your unfortunate injury that led to your being unable to count was your fault and yours alone, hence leaving me the only official able to make the count, or judge whether or not the fall was legal. I judge that the fall was legal, and therefore Mr. Cabrera is the winner, not Mr. Laser.

ABBOTT: Well, you'd better get your impartial third party out here, because there's no way we're going to settle this.

Just then, "Pink Elephants On Parade" comes up over the speakers. The Jester appears, dressed in a bathrobe and holding a cigar between his teeth and holding a mic in his hand. His brow line is tight, showing signs of anger from his earlier loss. When he speaks, his voice betrays his stress, as it lacks the wilder inflections that it usually has.

JESTER: Well, well, well-well-well, it looks like, once again, the Ever-Effervescent Court Jester needs be called upon to settle up another mess Mr. Fairy Princess Rico and The Frito Bandito Cabrera have gotten themselves into. By the way, it's nice to see you again, Henry, although you still smell like armpits.

ABBOTT: Get out of here, you fool, this is none of your concern.

JESTER: On the contrary, sir, it's plenty of my concern. If you will recall correctly, you were just demanding that an "impartial third party" get out here to rule on the match... I look at my devilishly handsome self and think, "I'm impartial, I'm a third party, so methinks I'll go solve this conundrum once again so's we can all go home."

CABRERA: What's on your mind, Jester?

JESTER: Well, see, since I've just recently been screwed out of my championship title, I think I'd be extra-sensitive about seeing other wrestling-types (as Rico and Diego appear to be, now and then) get the shaft. So here's what I'm thinking... Rico acted like a dumbass first, and he got burned for it. Diego, certainly (in my mind), proved himself the better wrestler by being able to turn Rico's dumbassness to his favor.

Rico surges forward, about to rush the Jester, but Abbott holds him back.

JESTER: The-e-e-e-e-e-e-erefore, Diego, the superior wrestler in this match, gets the win!!! Enjoy your needling, Rico!!!

"Pink Elephants On Parade" resumes, and the Jester slams his mic down so hard it shatters, sending a burst of static over the sound system. Rico tries to rush at Cabrera, but once again, Abbott holds him back. Abbott whispers something in Rico's ear, and with a reluctance that was almost tangible, Rico wanders back up the ramp. Diego's music returns, and Benton again holds his hand up in victory, before the two of them disappear underneath the Abbottron.

FLOYD: Jeez, no matter where I go, no matter what I do, I can't seem to get away from that idiot!

TETE: Rico or Diego?

FLOYD: The Jester! Sheesh, he already got his butt kicked once tonight, you'd think he'd have enough sense to stay back there and lick his wounds.