Weekend Warbash

We come back just as Avron Longarm's flute music comes piping through the speakers and Longarm makes his way down to the ring. He bows to the audience, the referee, and the announcers, and walks into a corner, doing katas while he waits for his partner and opponents.

FLOYD: Is it just me, Poppa, or is Longarm's intro a little stiff and boring.

TETE: What do you want, Floyd, for him to come down in full samurai armor swinging a katana?

FLOYD: Well, at least then there's the chance he'll decapitate a couple referees.

TETE: Floyd!

FLOYD: What?

Not a second to soon (as far as Poppa is concerned, anyway), "Testify" by Rage Against the Machine hits, to a decent pop from the crowd. Jimmy Steele stalks down the ramp, climbing into the ring and standing opposite Longarm. He and Longarm stare at each other, Steele looking like he's barely keeping back the temper-tantrum of the century, Longarm returning his gaze calmly. They stand, neither one moving, neither one looking away from the other.

FLOYD: First one to move loses!

A churchbell resounds through the arena, and the crowd pops as the lights go dark. A dark figure stalks its way down the ramp into the ring, small flames lighting his way, Gregorian chants echoing throughout the arena.

FLOYD: No, I was wrong, Poppa...THIS is the most boring entrance in the USXWF.

TETE: C'mon, Floyd, at least give Fate points for originality.

FLOYD: Original is one thing...this is just plain, no extra sides.

Rather than the arena lights coming back on, a single spotlight hits Fate, standing in the middle of the ring, his face frozen into a mask of pure, cold anger. He stands for a moment, saying nothing; behind him, we can see Steele and Longarm, both still staring at each other intently.

FLOYD: It looks like Fate's about to speak...oh, wait, nevermind.

TETE: C'mon, Floyd, give the guy a break, Reverend Spank's still in intensive care after that beating the Harbinger gave him at Trauma.

FLOYD: You know you're sad when you're lost in life without somebody who's last name is "Spank".

Fate moves to the corner next to Longarm, and the spotlight snaps out. Rather than the lights snapping on, however, the Abbotron comes to life, showcasing a dancing fire across the screen. The crowd pops as "Superbeast" hits. The Gatekeeper comes through the entryway, sans bandages, and the Harbinger right behind him, red pyros surging up at the bottom and top of the ramp as he passes by. The Harbinger climbs into the ring, then goes to his corner, next to Steele, as the lights come up and "Superbeast" cuts out.

FLOYD: Now that's an entrance I can sink my teeth into.

TETE: Shut up, Floyd.

The two tag teams confer for a moment, then turn back to their opponents, grinning. Fate climbs out of the ring, standing by the turnbuckle. Jimmy Steele mirrors his actions. The Harbinger and Avron Longarm will start this match.

FLOYD: Longarm has to be crazy, the man's built like a tank!!!

Longarm holds back, darting forward, then backward. Harbinger simply stands, feet apart, ready to fight.

With a sudden blur of movement, Longarm dashes forward, landing a kick in the middle of the Harbinger's solar plexus. The larger man takes it, buckling only slightly, and delivers a punch straight into Longarm's chin. Longarm stumbles backwards.

TETE: Ooo, looks like the Harbinger won that trade-off.

The Harbinger backs him up into the corner, firing off a vicious series of rights to the face. Fate tries to reach out for him, but Avron breaks up the series with a kick to Harbinger's knee, then climbs the turnbuckle and nails a flying leg scissor. The Harbinger is stunned for a moment, climbs up halfway to his feet, and is knocked over by an elbow drop. Longarm insures the prone stance of his foe with a quick kick to head.

TETE: A fast recovery from Longarm.

Longarm climbs onto his opponents back, and locks him up into the Fallen Samurai.

FLOYD: And a world of pain for the Harbinger!

The ref drops to the mat and counts. The ref drops to the mat, watching for the tap out...Harbinger twists out of the Fallen Samurai, tossing Longarm off his back. He gets to his feet, looking disgustedly at Longarm, and nails him with a short arm clothesline, then whips him into a turnbuckle. The dazed Longarm stumbles for a few moments, turns to face the Harbinger, and finds himself the victim of a chokeslam. Rather than take the pin on Longarm, the Harbinger goes to the corner and tags Jimmy Steele. He climbs onto the apron, smirking.

TETE: A chokeslam to Longarm from the Harbinger...he's not even walking crooked.

FLOYD: What do you expect, I mean, all that ranting had to build up his stamina pretty fast.

Steele comes at Longarm fast and furious, dragging his opponent back to his feet and blasting him with a flurry of punches. Longarm takes them all, stumbling backwards. Finally, he ducks one, runs at the ropes, and comes back to clothesline Steele. Longarm then makes a move to tag out to Fate, but Jimmy Steele grabs him before the tag can be made, turns him around, and DDT's him.

Longarm is utterly dazed. Steele punches him in the stomach, then grabs him by the arm and drags him over to the turnbuckle opposite Fate. The crowd begins to pop as it realizes what Steele is doing.

TETE: Here comes the Bloodlust.

Suddenly, Longarm gets a second wind, elbowing Steele in the gut followed by a spinning heel kick. While Steele recovers, he dashes over to the other end of the ring, and tags Fate in.

Steele recovers, and charges headlong at Fate, snarling at his opponent. Fate, his face not changing, simply grabs Steele by the face, steps to the side, and slams the smaller man to the mat.

TETE: Ow, that was the Hand of Fate to Jimmy Steele.

Steele gets back up, punching Fate in the chest and face, but Fate simply steps backward slowly, taking shot after shot. Finally, looking as if he's sick of this treatment, Fate kicks Steele and lands an inverted suplex. He backs up from Steele, and points at the Harbinger, his eyes burning with hatred. The Harbinger straightens himself up, meeting Fate's gaze unwaveringly.

Steele stands up, and attacks Fate, who shoves him forcefully back toward the corner where the Harbinger is standing. He is about to go in for another attack, when the Harbinger claps him on the shoulder. Steele angrily turns around and punches the Harbinger in the chest, who then climbs into the ring. The ref comes over, ordering Jimmy Steele to climb out onto the apron; he just tagged his partner.

TETE: Fate and the Harbinger want each other pretty bad tonight, Floyd; Harbinger just took a punch to get Steele to tag him in.

FLOYD: Well, I'm glad the USXWF wrestlers feel they can be open about their passions. I mean, most other feds choose to make fun of homosexual tendencies, but here under the Abbotron-

TETE: Oh, just shut up.

The Harbinger steps methodically toward Fate, both men moving slowly, Fate moving from side to side. He throws a punch, and it is blocked and quickly returned by the Harbinger, who follows up with a kick to the stomach. Fate charges in, whipping the Harbinger into the ropes and then using that speed to send him into the turnbuckle. Jimmy Steele reaches impatiently for the Harbinger's hand, and the Harbinger ensures he cannot touch him. Steele glares, but the Harbinger pays no mind. He runs at Fate, past Fate, to the rope, bounces off, and charges, landing a running chokeslam on his robed opponent.

TETE: Hand of Glory to Fate...he's still coming.

Fate gets up rapidly, and charges at Harbinger, reaching out for the Hand of Fate, which broken by a punch and a short arm clothesline. Harbinger hammers fate with elbow shots, then head butts him, knocking Fate to the ground. Harbinger picks up the dazed monster, who struggles slightly put falls victim to a belly-to-belly piledriver. Fate tries to get up, but is clearly and surprisingly out of energy. Harbinger grabs Fate by the hair, and drags him toward the corner of the ring.

TETE: Looks like we're about to see the Mark of Cain...Fate just doesn't seem to have his usual amount of energy. Could it be because of Reverend Spank's absence?

FLOYD: I blame the devaluing of the rubel, personally.

Not one to let this go unstopped, Avron Longarm begins to mount the turnbuckle, preparing to stop Harbinger from doing his finisher. Suddenly, something snaps in Jimmy Steele; he rushes over to Longarm and pulls him off the turnbuckle, sending both men crashing to the floor. Jimmy Steele picks Longarm up, assaulting him with punches and kicks. After a moment of surprise, Longarm begins to fight back, both men hammering into each other.

Harbinger is distracted by this brawl momentarily, allowing Fate break out of his opponent's grip and go for a chokeslam. Harbinger gags for a moment, then kicks Fate a few times in the stomach, eventually causing the giant to loosen his grip. The Harbinger punches him in the solar plexus, then whips him into the turnbuckle. He grabs Fate again, mounting the same turnbuckle and dragging Fate behind him. From the corner of the camera, we see Steele and Longarm continuing to assault each other.

TETE: Oh, lord...it's the Mark of Cain, for sure, no-one can stop it.

FLOYD: I can't look...it's too...too...Biblical.

The Harbinger hauls Fate up onto his shoulders, putting him in the crucifix powerbomb position, and, as the crowd pops, lands the Mark of Cain on Fate. Fate slams into the ground like a boulder, and barely moves, squirming slightly with pain. Harbinger looks at him, and walks right past him, out of the ring, to where Steele and Longarm are fighting.

TETE: What in the world is Harbinger doing?

Harbinger grabs Longarm by the back of the neck, kicking Jimmy Steele into the barricade, and flap-jacks Avron back into the ring. He climbs up, shooting a cold look at Jimmy Steele, and crawls between the ropes. There, he picks up the bloodied and beaten Avron Longarm, and climbs the turnbuckle.

TETE: Again?! Can't Harbinger be satisfied with just one.

FLOYD: I wonder if he's ever considered doing endorsements for Lay's potato chips.

TETE: Floyd, this is serious!

FLOYD: Not to me.

Harbinger puts Longarm into the same position Fate was in moments ago, and lands the Mark of Cain on to Fate's back. Longarm bounces a little, and does not move, apparently unconscious. The Harbinger drags him off, and drops to the ground, pulling one leg up while pinning Longarm. Fate gets groggily to his feet, but cannot make it in time. 1...2...3. Harbinger and Steele win.

Harbinger walks out of the ring at "Superbeast" hits again, smirking at Fate and pointing, saying something we cannot hear but is obviously in a mocking tone. He walks past Steele, who is shocked and more than a little angry, and his smile disappears. He stops and points at Steele for a moment, and walks back up the ramp, paying no attention to Steele's quizzical look.

TETE: No what did THAT mean?

FLOYD: Probably nothing. The Harbinger's not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, you know. I bet he forgot who Jimmy Steele was.

TETE: Floyd, I'm telling you, one of these days, someone's going to hear about you saying these things.

FLOYD: Why do you think I keep you around? You're my human shield, Poppa!

TETE: Well, that's good to know. Oh! I'm told R.F. Quenton has another interview, this time with the Lineman, who will be officiating tonight's main event.

We cut to the Lineman's locker room, as he puts on a football referee's uniform.

QUENTON: Lineman, we've still not heard any substantial reaction from you about what your former tag team partner did to you last week on Warbash.

LINEMAN: I have no real comment. I said what I said earlier this week, and that's all there is to it. Scott betrayed me a seond time. I don't forgive easily.

QUENTON: But will you call the match evenly?

The Lineman looks at Quenton with a mixture of pity and revulsion.

LINEMAN: What do YOU think, idiot?

The Lineman walks out.

QUENTON: Well, there you have it. The words of a hero. Back to you, Poppa.

We cut back to Poppa and Floyd.

TETE: We'll be back in a second folks, with La Parka and the Court Jester!

COMMERCIAL

We come back from commercial to see a wide panning view of the audience, and to hear a loud, thumping sound. The view switches to ringside, where we see Floyd beating his head against the Announcer's table.

TETE: Will you cut that out, Floyd? You're going to damage the table.

FLOYD: Why oh why oh why oh why oh why?!? The gods hate me!! The gods hate me-e-e-e-e!!!

Just then, the lights dim, the trumpets blare, and "Pink Elephants On Parade" comes in over the sound system. The crowd nearly spontaneously combusts as the Jester appears, his grin bigger than ever, accompanied by Jo Kirin. He strikes a comical rendition of a heroic pose at the top of, while Jo holds her arms out in mock presentation of the Jester.

FLOYD: I was hoping, I was praying, I was begging that this idiot would stay out of wrestling forever! (shouting) You're the bane of my existence, you fool!

The Jester climbs into the ring. He gestures for a mic.

JESTER (sniffing loudly): What's that I smell? What can that wondrous aroma be? (pause) Oh, I know! It's the amazingly apparent aroma of aspirating awe-inspiration, the superfluous stench of superiority, the entirely entertaining entrant of the Ever-Effervescent Court Jester!

The crowd pops again. Jo Kirin, lounging against the ropes, gestures her arms wide in support.

JESTER: And guess what ol' Unky Jester's gonna do for the loudly lauding little people out there? That's right, I'm gonna tell a story!

FLOYD: No, not a story... anything but a story...

TETE: Calm down, Floyd, calm down...

JESTER: See, Unky Jester, being the brilliantly bright bean that he is, came up with the perpetuatingly purposeful plan of arranging for his match tonight to have the #1 Contendership Spot for the Intercontinental Title on the line!

A third cheer from the crowd.

TETE: Uh-oh, that can't be good... word has it that Brandon Schmidt of the Founding Five was looking forward to pitting La Parka against Valentine in another effort to force La Parka to change his music.

FLOYD: What do you mean? I thought La Parka already had to change his entrance theme...

TETE: Well... it used to be "Oops, I Did It Again"...

Right then, the sound system begins playing Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time". The audience, and Floyd (but mostly Floyd), wails in agony as La Parka appears, carrying his sheathed chair on his back. He comes up to the top of the ramp throwing his arms wide and shouting at the audience, unable to understand why they dislike his music so. After a few seconds, he shrugs, and pulls his skull mask down over his face and rushes down to the ring. The Jester tosses his mic away, while Jo Kirin hops out of the ring and stands in the Jester's corner.

La Parka tosses his chair sheath off to one side and dives into the ring. The bell rings. The Jester stands in place, his arms spread wide. La Parka dives forward, but the Jester leaps aside, and La Parka crashes to the mat. He jumps up again immediately, and again goes after the Jester. This time, the Jester grabs onto the top rope of the ring for leverage, and leaps into the air, bringing his feet up and into La Parka's face.

TETE: It doesn't look like the Court Jester has lost any of his edge during his self-imposed hiatus.

FLOYD: He had Edge? Did he have Christian, as well?

TETE: Floyd, if I was a drummer, I'd not only give you a rimshot, but I'd hit you upside the head with my drumsticks, as well.

The Jester dances about the ring, laughing loudly to the audience, ignoring the quickly-recovering La Parka. The Jester hops up onto the second rope of the turnbuckle and pulls a whoopee cushion out of his pants, then throws it into the crowd. La Parka, fully recovered from the kick to his face, charge over to the Jester, but the Jester backflips off of the ropes, and La Parka smashes his chest into the turnbuckle.

TETE: The Jester's definitely as fast as ever! That was a backflip worthy of the Olympics!

FLOYD: Big deal... can he eat fifty eggs in an hour?

TETE: He probably can... and the chicken, t'boot.

FLOYD: Please don't mention chickens. Because of this fool, I haven't been able to eat poultry for months!

La Parka falls to his knees, clutching his ribs and trying to catch his breath again. The Jester rushes over to the opposite turnbuckle and climbs on top of it, then quickly leaps off again, but not towards La Parka. Instead, he jumps sideways, towards the ropes. His feet land perfectly on the top rope, and he uses the elasticity as a trampoline, launching high into the air and all the way across the ring. He flips over in the air, bringing his feet down across La Parka's back just as he lands on the mat.

TETE: Great Caesar's Ghost!! What an incredibly feat of acrobatics!! That single jumped launched him all the way across the ring!!

FLOYD: Aw, that's not too hard when you're as full of hot air as that moron is...

TETE: The Jester has been completely dominating La Parka during this entire matchup! What a comeback!

FLOYD: He's an idiot beating on an idiot! How can that be a comeback?

TETE: Say, Floyd, which of them do you hate the most?

FLOYD: ...

TETE: Floyd?

FLOYD: ...

TETE: Floyd?!

FLOYD: Does not compute. This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.

The Jester pulls La Parka to his feet and whips him into the ropes. On the rebound, the Jester tries to leap-frog over La Parka, but La Parka manages to throw his arms into the air, snagging the Jester's midsection and pulling him downwards into a rough semblance of a powerbomb. Both wrestlers lie still on the mat for a few moments.

TETE: Could this be a reversal? Is La Parka going to take control of the match here?!?

FLOYD: Error. Error. General failure reading disk.

After a few moments, the Jester jerks up. He blinks his eyes a bit, then shakes his head to clear the disorientation. A few seconds later, he hops to his feet, just as La Parka is beginning to stir. The Jester leaps over to the nearby ropes and bounces off backwards for a moonsault onto La Parka.

TETE: The Jester is still controlling this match! He... wait a second...

Brandon Schmidt appears underneath the Abbottron, prompting a pop from the audience. He rushes down to the ring, just as the Jester puts La Parka into a pin.

TETE: It's Brandon Schmidt! One of the Founding Five is interrupting the match!

Schmidt grabs La Parka's chair from it's sheath just as the ref is beginning to count. Before the referee can make it to 3, Schmidt grabs the Jester's leg and pulls him off of La Parka.

TETE: Brandon Schmidt has disrupted the count for the Court Jester!

FLOYD: Blue screen of death. Blue screen of death. Faulty program function.

Jo Kirin hops into the ring, intending to get the drop on Schmidt, but the referee grabs her shoulders and holds her back. The Jester jumps to his feet and rushes over to the ropes, where Schmidt hits him upside the head with La Parka's chair. The Jester falls backwards right beside La Parka, and Schmidt slides into the ring and drapes La Parka's arm over the Jester, then quickly departs to the foot of the ramp, dropping the chair as he does so.

Jo climbs back under the ropes, and the ref turns around and notices the count. He dives down and begins pounding the mat... 1... 2... 3!

TETE: La Parka wins the #1 Contendership spot for the Intercontinental Title!

Schmidt grins, believing his work to be done, and as such doesn't notice when Jo leaps up onto the barricades, rounds the corner, and delivers a jump-kick to Schmidt's head. Schmidt goes down, and Jo hauls his limp form into the ring. She pulls La Parka off of the Jester, and places Schmidt atop of La Parka, pressing both of them face-to-face. She then hops over the ropes, retrieves several small coils of rope from underneath the ring, and returns to La Parka and Brandon Schmidt. She smirks proudly and proceeds to tie the two together, at the wrists and at the legs.

TETE: Wait one effing minute... what the hell is she doing?!?

FLOYD: Daisy... Daisy...

TETE: Floyd, snap out of it!!

Jo blows a kiss to the two intertwined men, then helps the Jester to his feet, and the two head back up the ramp. The Jester holds his head and grimaces for a few moments, but he glances back just in time to see both Schmidt and La Parka regain consciousness. They both scream and try to separate themselves from the other, but only succeed in squirming about the ring futilely. Upon noticing Jo's handiwork, the Jester's infamous grin returns to his face as he disappears underneath the Abbottron.

TETE: La Parka manages to snag the #1 Contendership spot, but for some reason known only to who-knows-what, Brandon Schmidt felt that he had to help La Parka!

FLOYD: Artoo-Detoo, where are you? (we hear a slapping sound) Ow!! What'd you do that for?!?

TETE: Snap out of it, Floyd!

FLOYD: Okay, okay, I'm fine, I'm fine!

TETE: Just in time for a commercial, actually...

COMMERCIAL