Weekend Warbash

We come back from commercial just as "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit hits and Greg Tibbs comes out to a mixture of boos and cheers. He pulls his steel pipe out and tosses it under the stage, then grabs a microphone.

TIBBS: Here's the deal. I don't usually like to get rid of my little steel helper there, but I don't want no one saying that Greg Tibbs cheated to win this belt. That wouldn't be any help to anybody. So I'm throwing it away ... just for tonight.

TETE: Well, I guess that's admirable.

FLOYD: It's downright saintly.

"Fuck 'em and Their Law" hits and C-Cube comes down, the Brothers Hand and Chet Stevens by his side. C-Cube gets into the ring and immediately begins coming after Tibbs with a series of punches. Tibbs is punched into a corner, and powers his way out with a shortarm clothesline. C-Cube gets up and gives Tibbs a sunset flip into a pin. 1... Tibbs kicks out and whips C-Cube into a corner, then powerslams him to the mat. Tibbs puts C-Cube into the Monkeywrench, and the crowd starts to cheer for Tibbs, but C-Cube grabs a rope, and the referee separates them.

TETE: Looks like Tibbs is more than holding his own in this title contest.

FLOYD: Way more than holding his own.

C-Cube suplexes Tibbs and follows it up with a series of stomps to his chest. Tibbs rolls out from under C-Cube's feet, stands up, bounces off the ropes, and nearly tears C-Cube's head off with a thunderous clothesline! He pulls C-Cube up by his ears (since there's no hair), and sets him up for a powerbomb. C-Cube's creative solution to this is to headbutt Tibbs in the groin. Tibbs doubles over, and C-Cube knees him in the face, then climbs to the top turnbuckle and gives Tibbs a dropkick. He goes for a pin. 1...2... Tibbs kicks out.

Tibbs whips C-Cube into the ropes and gives him a DDT on his way back. He pulls C-Cube to his feet once again and executes a Lou Thesz press on the Servant of Shiva. Cyril Hand is on the apron shouting at the ref. The ref turns around to discuss the issue with Cyril as Remington and Chet Stevens get in the ring and proceed to begin beating the hell out of Tibbs as C-Cube recovers.

TETE: Now, this just isn't right! Look at this!

FLOYD: They're just doing Shiva's bidding, Poppa. Don't shoot the messenger.

"Sad but True" hits and the crowd pops. The entire Roman Empire is walking down the ramp, making a beeline for C-Cube and the Servants of Shiva, who are still putting the boots to Tibbs, who is doing an awfully good job on his own. On his way up, Roman grabs Tibbs' steel pipe from under the stage and tosses it to him. Tibbs catches it just in time to nail C-Cube across the face with it. The crowd is going nuts as the Roman Empire swarms the ring and begins working with Tibbs against the Servants of Shiva. The ref calls for the bell, and the winner is announced as being Greg Tibbs by DQ, but the match has dissolved into chaos.

As Dino Fischetti and Big Bald Bitch battle the Brothers Hand and James Sharp is giving Chet Stevens the Sharp End, Steve Roman reaches into a bag he has brought to the ring with him and pulls out a Roman Empire leather jacket. He offers it to Tibbs, who accepts and puts it on.

TETE: Oh my God! Is Greg Tibbs joining the Roman Empire?

FLOYD: No! Not you, Greg! You were one of my favorites!

Dino and the Bitch, who have dispatched the Brothers Hand, turn and notice Tibbs in the jacket and immediately grab him in a brotherly embrace. C-Cube and the other Servants start walking up the ramp, beating a quick but bold retreat. Roman and C-Cube exchange words as C-Cube escapes, and Tibbs yells after them as well.

TETE: Can it be?! This is unbelievable! And it's not even the main event yet!

Roman and Fischetti get on either side of Tibbs and raise his hands with theirs. Tibbs gestures to the back of his jacket, which says ROMAN EMPIRE, and nods, with a big grin on his face.

TETE: This was planned! It had to be! Roman was the one pushing for Tibbs to get a title shot!

FLOYD: For once, I'm being serious when I say that this was a great psychological win for the Roman Empire. The Servants of Shiva are now outnumbered by the Roman Empire!

TETE: Not if Scott Raye joins.

FLOYD: I'm telling you, Poppa, it won't happen.

TETE: Well, we'll see. Next up: a triple threat match between Malice, the Mask, and Rico Laser! Stay tuned!

COMMERCIAL

We come back to "Duel of the Fates", the lights of the arena going out, and a single blue spotlight coming up on the Mask as he walks down the ramp. Tanner is beside him with a microphone in his hand.

TETE: Just a reminder, ladies and gentlemen, this will be a no disqualification, no holds barred triple threat match.

TANNER: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a match my charge and I wanted. Malice, I'm afraid, insisted, despite my protestations that our actions last week were quite simply necessary from a business standpoint. I'd rather not go into why just now. However, if I do not receive the check we are owed by my employer very, very soon, lots of things are going to come out. A lot of questions are going to be answered. So please do hurry that check along.

"Woke Up This Morning" hits and Rico Laser comes down to massive heel heat. He is unconcerned with this and more concerned with the fact that he has yet another match against Malice. He has a mic in his hand.

LASER: I can't believe you did that, Tanner. I can't believe you screwed me like you did. If you'd just stuck around and fought me fair and square when Malice tagged you in, things would have been cool. But you pissed him off, and now he's even madder than before! So for that, I'm going to kick your ass tonight, Mask!

TANNER: Please don't force our hand, sir. For reasons I'm sure you'd rather we not go into now, we don't want to harm you.

Laser looks momentarily puzzled, and then a wind kicks up and "Supernova Goes Pop" blares out of the speakers.

TETE: Uh oh! Here we go! Where's he coming from this time?

Long pause as Laser and the Mask await Malice's arrival. Laser is turned in the opposite direction of the ramp, half expecting Malice to come from behind. But surprisingly, Malice walks in from the entrance ramp. Well, he doesn't really walk, he just kind of shuffles. No mic in his hand, which is unusual for him. He's not in his usual wrestling attire either. He's wearing leather pants, boots, a black shirt, and a black leather trenchcoat. His mask, however, is attached as usual.

FLOYD: What's with the Brewing Dork? He looks a little down.

TETE: This is very disconcerting, folks. I've never seen Malice looking so despondent.

FLOYD: He didn't even have the energy to come up with a decent entrance.

Malice walks up the steel steps and gets in the ring. Laser starts to make a smart remark, but Malice surprises him with a right cross, then a backbreaker. The bell rings, and the Mask moves on Tanner's command, grabbing Malice by the scruff of the neck and pulling him off of Laser's prone form. Malice kicks the Mask in the ribs. The Mask, in response, tosses Malice across the ring, into the opposite ropes, and catches him on the bounceback with a massive back body drop.

TETE: The Mask taking charge early here!

The Mask goes for a pin, but Laser runs up and kicks the Mask to break the pin. The Mask turns around and rears back for a chokeslam, but Tanner shakes a finger at him as if to say no. The Mask reluctantly turns back around and pulls Malice to his feet by the hair. Malice starts nailing the Mask with body shots, forcing him into a corner, then hits him with a spinning neckbreaker. The Mask gets up quickly, grabs Malice by the lapels of his trenchcoat, and tosses him over the ropes and outside the ring. The Mask bounds over the ropes and follows Malice to the outside.

Laser climbs to the top turnbuckle, jumps off, and lands a dropkick on the Mask, who gets up and looks at Laser furiously.

TETE: Uh oh. The Mask didn't much like that.

FLOYD: Look out, Mr. Laser!

But the Mask just turns around, ignoring Laser. Laser, frustrated, picks up a set of steel steps, and throws them at the Mask's head, where they connect with a loud reverberation. The Mask goes down hard. Malice pulls the Mask to his feet. Working together, he and Laser whip the Mask into another set of steel steps. Malice wastes no time in demonstrating to Laser that he's not forgotten, reaching under the ring and grabbing a garbage can lid and bringing it down on Laser's head.

Malice goes searching for more weaponry as the Mask gets to his feet, takes a quick look at Laser, and starts to head after Malice. But Tanner runs down to him and whispers in his ear. The Mask seems to sort of shrug, then picks Laser up, throws him over his shoulder, and starts to walk towards the ramp with him.

Malice is there to cut him off at the pass, a two-by-four in his hands. Malice nails the Mask with the two-by-four, then begins whaling on Laser's body.

TETE: My God! Look at Malice! He's lost it!

FLOYD: He was always crazy, now he's just homicidal!

Malice doesn't stop going at Laser, hitting him over and over, unmercifully. The Mask is still laid out. Tanner comes down and yells at Malice to stop, but Malice, without hesitation, merely turns and cracks Tanner over the head with the two-by-four, much to the crowd's delight. Diego Cabrera appears at the top of the ramp, Odium, Angst, and Spite along with him. Odium and Angst run down and try to pull Malice away, but Malice isn't having any of that.

TETE: If somebody doesn't stop Malice, he'll kill Laser!

FLOYD: Poppa, Malice has gone completely 'round the bend. I haven't seen anyone this angry since my father caught me with his Farrah Fawcett blow-up doll.

Finally, Spite grabs Malice's chin and turns his face towards hers. She says something to him, one sentence, and he stops. Almost as though a trance has been broken, he drops the two-by-four and pins Laser. the ref does the count. 1...2...3. Malice wins the match. Malice and his family walk back up the ramp, Malice no more expressive than he was when he was coming down.

TETE: Good God. What has happened to Malice?

FLOYD: More important, what did Spite say to stop him? I think that's useful information in case Malice ever gets mad at me.

TETE: That isn't Malice's style, Floyd. I'm worried about him.

FLOYD: Oh, he'll be fine. The bats in his belfry just all busted loose at once. He'll be okay next week.

TETE: I hope you're right. If not ... God have mercy on USXWF, because if both Malice and Laser pull out all the stops, there won't be any safe place.

COMMERCIAL

We come back for the main event as "Sad but True" hits to a massive pop and Steve Roman and James Sharp come down the ramp. Roman has a mic in his hand. As the crowd cheers, he begins to speak.

ROMAN: Me and James here so enjoyed that last little matchup that we asked Diego Cabrera if we could change the rules to our match to a Deathmatch tag bout. And he said yes! So come on down, boys! It's all legal!

"Nebraska Cornhuskers' Fight Song Remix" hits and the Lineman and Scott Raye appear at the top of the ramp, Lineman's old Coach right behind him, handing footballs to the Lineman, who signs them and tosses them into the crowd. Scott Raye has a mic.

RAYE: If you want to make this a Deathmatch, Mr. Roman, that's fine. I don't have much experience with them, but heck, I'll try anything once.

Raye and Roman meet at the bottom of the ramp, and Roman immediately nails Raye with the mic in his hand!

TETE: Oooh! I don't know if Scott Raye understands what he's gotten himself into!

Roman immediately starts to march Raye back up the ramp, and Sharp starts to do the same with the Lineman, but the Lineman isn't exactly new at this game. He flips Sharp over his shoulder and onto the steel ramp, then picks up Malice's discarded two-by-four and nails Sharp's ribcage with it. The camera follows Roman and Raye to the back.

TETE: Well, this is unusual ... the fight's taking place in two places! We'll cut between them, folks, and we'll do our best to keep up.

Roman rams Raye's head into a steel support beam for the Abbottron. Raye's head bounces off, making a sickening sound. He stumbles back and smacks the back of his head on a concrete pillar, then hits the pavement. Roman pulls Raye to his feet and hauls him towards the locker rooms. Raye elbows Roman in the gut, grabs a nearby steel chair, and plows it into Roman's skull! Roman goes down, Raye picks him up, and now Raye is in control.

Meanwhile, the Lineman is firmly in control of his match with James Sharp. Sharp has just been whipped through the double doors leading from the audience to the concession area. Sharp flies through the doors and lands just next to the nacho cart. He grabs a boiling pan of nacho cheese and hurls it into the Lineman's face! The Lineman falls back, startled and burned, and Sharp executes a facebuster on the concrete, then pull the Lineman to his feet and tosses the Lineman into a wooden concession booth, smashing the place apart.

TETE: Oh my God! Look at the carnage!

Back to Raye and Roman. Raye still has control as he marches Roman towards a parking garage. Roman quickly breaks free of Raye's hold and starts to whip him into a steel door, but Raye is ready and reverses it, sending Roman flying headfirst into the wall.

TETE: Not his style, huh?

FLOYD: Clearly he's a fast learner, Poppa.

Raye grabs Roman up and continues to walk him into the parking garage. Roman breaks loose again inside the garage itself and begins to punch Raye towards a parked car. Roman grabs Raye's head and smahes it through the car's windshield, and Raye is busted wide open! Raye, in turn, finds the presence of mind to rip off the side mirror of the car and brain Roman with it, and both men are in bad shape as we cut back to the Lineman and James Sharp.

The Lineman is walking James Sharp down a secluded hallway, then shoves him into a room marked BOILER ROOM, and follows him in, cameraman following. Sharp is lying in wait with a crowbar, and hits the Lineman in the back with it. The Lineman goes down, but grabs hold of an empty paint can on his way down, and turns and cracks Sharp across the face with it as Sharp goes for a pin. Stunned, Sharp stumbles backwards and knocks over a large shelf of various metal implements, all of which come raining down on his head. The Lineman picks up the crowbar and moves in on Sharp.

We cut back to Roman and Raye, who both now look like walking dead men. One of the cars has several indentations on it, one of which looks like it might be the force from a body being powerbombed through the hood. They stumble out into the street, still fighting. Roman grabs a garbage can and hits Raye over the head with it. Raye stumbles into the street, right into the path of an oncoming bus, and Roman quickly grabs him and pulls him out of the way. Instead of thanking Roman, Raye sets him up for a powerbomb to the concrete. Roman powers out of it, back body dropping Raye to the concrete instead. He grabs Raye up by the hair and throws him into a nearby bar.

Sharp has escaped the Lineman's attack with the crowbar, and is now climbing a ladder inside the bioler room to a loft above the first floor. The Lineman is following him up, crowbar still in hand. Sharp kicks at Lineman and nails him with a boot to the jaw. The Lineman loses his grip and falls - right on top of a wooden table with a pile of various nuts and bolts on top of it! Sharp jumps off the loft and hits a leapfrog on the Lineman, then goes for the pin. 1...2...3! The match is over!

TETE: The match is over! But how are they going to tell Raye and Roman?

FLOYD: There are some definite bugs in this system, Poppa.

Raye and Roman are still doing battle in the bar, where a crowd has gathered to cheer them on. Raye nails Roman with a cue stick. By now, Roman is shrugging off such attacks as he crows Raye with a beer stein. Roman climbs on top of a pool table, ready to deliver Hell From Above, when two of the bar patrons throw off their hats and sunglasses, climb on top of the pool table, and hit Roman with the Hands of Shiva! It's the Brothers Hand!

TETE: The Brothers Hand! No, dammit! No!

C-Cube suddenly appears, pulls Roman to his feet on top of the table, and hits Roman with Karmic Debt! The crowd is booing loudly as C-Cube comes off the table and offers Raye a hand up. Raye grabs C-Cube's hand and gets to his feet. The Brothers Hand get on their knees and begin bowing to C-Cube.

TETE: Oh no! Scott, don't you do it, son!

C-Cube is looking into Scott's eyes as the Lineman runs into the bar. C-Cube and the Lineman are both talking to Scott, but Scott seems unsure of who to look to. He seems dazed, confused. Finally, the Lineman grabs a pool cue and hits C-Cube over the head with it. The Brothers Hand move to attack the Lineman, but C-Cube motions for them to stop as SCOTT RAYE SUDDENLY HITS A FLYING TACKLE ON THE LINEMAN, STRAIGHT INTO THE JUKEBOX!

TETE: OH MY GOD! Scott Raye has turned on the Lineman with his own finisher!

FLOYD: I knew it! I told you Raye was one of them!

TETE: No you didn't, you jackass!

Raye looks at C-Cube, who opens his arms. Raye runs into them and all the Servants of Shiva, Raye included, begin to dance. Poppa Tete is screaming so loud his voice is getting hoarse.

TETE: IT'S HAPPENED! IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED! SCOTT RAYE IS A SERVANT OF SHIVA! MY GOD! WHAT'S ROMAN GOING TO DO? TUNE IN TO TNT AND FIND OUT, FRIENDS, IT'S GONNA BE A LONG WEEKEND!