TETE: And tonight, wrestling with the Tag-Team belts on the line, we're going to have the Brothers Hand against Dirty Deeds, Dino Fischetti and Big Bald Bitch!

FLOYD: Ten bucks says those crazy Fundies lose the belts, Papa!

TETE: I'm not a gambling man, but since I know you're always wrong, you've got yourself a bet.

"P.O.D." by Southtown hits, and a few seconds later, clad in their traditional black coats and sunglasses, Dino Fischetti and Big Bald Bitch appear. They glance around at the audience, then slowly make their way down to the ring. They toss their jackets and glasses into their corner. Big Bald Bitch climbs out of the ring, leaving Dino to go against Cyril first.

TETE: These two teams have clashed several times in the past few weeks, and they're both glad to pound the crap out of each other.

FLOYD: Aw, I can take on Dino Fischetti. He's a wuss.

TETE: ... You've just signed your own death warrant. You'd better hope Fischetti doesn't see a taping of tonight.

The bell rings, and Cyril rushes forward intending to jump-kick Dino, but Dino sidesteps him, and thrusts his arm out, catching Cyril in the chest. Cyril flips over and falls face-first to the mat. Dino grabs his arm and hauls him to his feet, and begins pounding him in the chest and gut. Dino's continues blows knock Cyril back into the turnbuckle. Dino changes between punches and kicks, and after quite a bit of punishment, Cyril collapses. Dino quickly pulls Cyril up and puts him through a suplex.

TETE: Damn, Dino's just pounding Cyril to pieces.

FLOYD: Cyril's smaller than either of Dirty Deeds. He hasn't a prayer. Get it? Prayer?

TETE: You're hilarious. You're probably making the Court Jester and his new friend jealous.

FLOYD: Hey!! I told you to not mention them!!!

TETE: I wonder what the relationship between the Jester and Jo Kirin is, anyway...

FLOYD: What did I just tell you?!?

Dino tags in Big Bald Bitch, who climbs up into a sitting position on top of the turnbuckle. Dino picks Cyril up and puts him in BBB's arms, and Bitch leaps off the turnbuckle and brings Cyril down for a powerbomb. As Dino climbs out of the ring, Bitch goes for the cover, but it's almost immediately interrupted by Remington.

TETE: We almost had new champions there!

FLOYD: They may be nuts, but the Brothers have good timing.

Bitch jumps up and goes after Remington, but the referee gets in between them. While Bitch and Remington yell back and forth, Cyril climbs to his feet. He rushes forward and dropkicks Big Bald Bitch in the back, making him fall forward into the referee. The ref flips over the top rope and, caught unawares of the attack, falls to the floor where he's put out of commission.

Remington immediately jumps back into the ring, and whips Bitch into the ropes, then catches him in a clothesline as he bounces off. Dino, noticing the sudden free-for-all, grabs his trenchcoat and pulls out an 18" length of steel pipe. He rushes forward and smacks it upside Remington's head. Dino and Bitch then begin wailing away at the Brothers Hand, Dino kicking Remington and Bitch pinning Cyril in a corner with numerous powerful punches. Dino pulls Remington to his feet and pulls him to the corner opposite his partner, and then Bitch and Dino simultaneously whip the Brothers towards each other. Remington and Cyril collide in the center of the ring, and they fall to the ring.

TETE: My God, Dirty Deeds is systematically taking the Brothers Hand apart!

FLOYD: Yeah, but can they put them back together afterwards?

The referee climbs back to his feet, and Dino quickly jumps out of the ring, while Bitch rolls Remington under the ropes and out of the ring, then jumps on top of Cyril for a cover. The referee, still dazed, doesn't notice forr a few moments. It's not until Bitch begins yelling and pounding on the mat that the ref slides under the ropes and begins counting. However, Remington manages to pop up and grab BBB's leg and pull him off Cyril.

FLOYD: Dirty Deeds almost won again, Papa! There should be a special award for "almost winning".

TETE: It doesn't look like Dino was too happy with that...

Indeed, Dino has jumped into the ring and was running over to get after Remington, but the ref jumps up and prevents him from getting very far. While the referee's back is turned, Remington jumps into the ring holding his title belt, and he smacks Big Bald Bitch upside the head. Bitch falls backwards, and Remington pulls Cyril on top.

TETE: The ref didn't see it!

FLOYD: The ref doesn't see it!

The ref finally forces Dino back out of the ring, then turns around, sees the pin, and immediately dives down to count. Dino is quick to jump back into the ring to disrupt the count, but by then Remington has run over to grab Dino's leg. The ref finishes the three count, even as Remington pulls Dino out of the ring and begins delivering a series of punches to Dino's midsection.

TETE: The Brothers Hand retain their titles! Pay up, Floyd.

FLOYD: What? You don't expect me to actually pay? C'mon, Papa, it was just a fun game... y'know, to keep the excitement going.

TETE: There'll be even more excitement here if you don't pay.

FLOYD: Well... ah... the truth is, I'm a little strapped for cash... I have a... uh... expensive habit...

TETE: What kind of habit?

FLOYD: Well, it's hard to get prostitutes to put on wombat costumes, Papa!! C'mon, have a heart!!

COMMERCIAL

We come back from commercial just as "Walk This Way" hits and Marty Hart walks down to the ring, a mic in his hand.

TETE: God, I hate this guy.

FLOYD: Why?

TETE: He's so obnoxious!

FLOYD: Yeah, and I suppose Malice is "charming"? You're so full of it, Poppa.

The crowd is loudly booing Marty Hart.

HART: You know you love me! Why fight it? All of you idiots know damn well how good I am. I'm the Glass Man, for God's sake! I'm a former UWO champion! I'm a member of the Hart family! How can you not love me?

The booing continues.

HART: You're all just idiots, that's all! You'll see! Wait until I put that big, retarded jackass the Mask on his fat ass! Then you'll see just how great I am! And I'll get the respect I deserve! And maybe a title shot, right, you Founding Farts back there? I am the big shot around here! There's nobody better! Not Malice, not Steve Roman, not even Rico-

"Woke Up This Morning" hits and Rico appears at the top of the ramp, a mic in his hand as well.

TETE: Well, Laser's finally done something right in my book.

FLOYD: What's that?

TETE: He shut that moron up.

Laser starts walking down the ramp.

LASER: Would you please, for the love of God, shut up?

An amazing thing happens. Rico Laser gets a pop.

LASER: I'm having a REAL bad month. First, I find out I got a kid somewhere in Mexico, and his granddaddy is my boss! Then, I lose a significant portion of my company because of some crazy little smurf who's proving just how nuts he is right now! Then, I get accused of kidnapping another nutcase's sister, WHICH I DID NOT DO! I swear to God, this is not like the thing with Cabrera's daughter! I was lying then, but I'm not lying now! Malice, I promise you, I had nothing to do with this! It was C-Cube! It had to be! Because-

Laser is cut off by the crowd, which has turned on him once again.

LASER: Fine. Fine. Just shut the hell up, Marty Hart. It's bad enough I'm stuck with a pathetic little pissant like you for a tag team partner, I don't want to hear anything about how great you are when you so clearly belong back at Killer Kowalski's Wrestling Camp with the other rookies!

"Duel of the Fates" comes up as Laser climbs into the ring and goes nose to nose with Hart. He obviously could care less about what Hart thinks of him.

The Mask comes out from the back, and Tanner is on the mic now.

FLOYD: Is this a wrestling match or a presidential debate?

Tanner looks up at the ring.

TANNER: Well, well. I'd say that you two are severely overmatched here. Mr. Laser, if you'd like to step out now, I'd understand. Our issue is with Mr. Hart, not with you.

LASER: Much as I'd like to, I don't think Malice would be okay with that. And frankly, I'm tired of looking like a coward.

TANNER: Very well. I apologize in advance for the beating my charge is going to have to hand you. Mr. Hart, I think it's safe to say that you'll get no such apology. By the way, once again, to my employer, I do implore you to send our check along. Otherwise we'll be forced to take action. And you don't want that, believe-

A breeze blows through the arena as Tanner is talking, and then "Supernova Goes Pop" hits and Malice appears out from under the ring, mic in hand and scowl firmly planted on his face.

MALICE: Enough talk. Let's do it.

Malice leaps into the ring and immediately begins pounding on Laser. The bell rings to start the match. Malice drives Laser into the corner with blows to the face, and Laser slips and falls onto his ass. Malice starts kicking him in the chest. Laser squirms out between the bottom rope and the apron, and paces outside the ring. Malice gestures for him to get back in. Laser gets in and immediately tags in Hart, who comes in, guns a blazing. Hart knocks Malice down with a clothesline, then hauls him to his feet and gives him a floatover DDT.

TETE: Look at Laser! I thought he said he didn't want to look like a coward any more!

FLOYD: He's not being cowardly, he's being generous! He's giving Hart the chance to shine.

TETE: Oh, right. I buy that about as much as I believe that story about you and the world's tallest woman.

FLOYD: I'm telling you, Poppa, it was like swimming. Only smellier.

Hart hits Malice with a full nelson slam, then starts to go for a pin, but decides not to. He calls out the Mask. Tanner nods his permission, and the Mask comes into the ring, tags himself in, and immediately clotheslines Hart. Malice, reluctant to leave the action, goes back to his corner and leans against the turnbuckle, waiting for a tag.

The Mask whips Hart into the ropes across the ring, then delivers a tilt a whirl slam. The crowd loves it, and a "Mask" chant goes up. This only serves to infuriate Hart, who gets up and charges at the Mask, plowing his shoulder into the Mask's gut. The Mask doubles over, and Hart sets the Mask up for a powerbomb, yelling at the audience.

TETE: Hart's going to powerbomb the Mask? That's ambitious.

FLOYD: And impossible.

Hart proves Floyd's point by attempting to lift the Mask, to no avail. The Mask easily gives Hart a back body drop, and Hart flies out of the ring and onto the concrete outside the ring. He gets up slowly and painfully, only to see the Mask standing above him. The Mask hurls Hart into the steel steps, then rolls him back into the ring and goes for a pin. 1...2... Malice breaks the count and tells the Mask he wants Laser. The Mask shrugs and looks at Tanner. Tanner seems a bit wary of the situation. Hart, meanwhile, has gotten up and tagged in Laser. Laser charges at the Mask and hits him with flying head scissors. Malice quickly tags himself in and charges at Laser with a scream of anger. As Malice gives Laser a backbreaker, the Mask and Tanner seem to be discussing something of great importance.

TETE: I wonder what those two are up to.

Laser hits Malice with the Scope, then goes for a pin. 1...2... Malice gets a shoulder up, and Laser pulls Malice to his feet, and gives him a series of brutal chops to the chest. Malice seems unfazed, working on pure adrenaline. Laser leaps into the air for another martial arts kick, this one sending Malice reeling into the ropes for Laser's clothesline to follow it. Malice is out, and Laser climbs the turnbuckle and calls for the Laser Beam. The audience is loudly booing.

TETE: Wow. Looks like Laser might actually win a match cleanly for once.

FLOYD: What are you talking about? He always wins cleanly.

Laser hits the Laser Beam on Malice and goes for a pin. 1...2... Malice kicks out!

TETE: Malice kicked out! Malice kicked out! Floyd, quick, find out if anyone has EVER kicked out of the Laser Beam! This could be a first!

FLOYD: Ah, you find out. I'm more interested in what's going on with those two over there.

Tanner and the Mask are still talking. Well, Tanner's talking and the Mask is nodding obediantly. Malice has gotten up and stumbled over to the Mask. He holds his hand out for the tag. The Mask looks at Tanner. Tanner looks at Malice, then at Laser, and then he slowly shakes his head at Malice, and he and the Mask leave the ring!

TETE: What the-? What are they doing?

FLOYD: They're leaving!

TETE: Well I can see that, but why? Malice is in for trouble now!

Hart and Laser are both in the ring, and they begin to put the boots to Malice pretty heavily. Hart hits Malice with a powerbomb, then Laser hits a moonsault from the top rope. Laser is being particularly vicious, kicking Malice in the head each time he passes by him.

TETE: Oh, for God's sake, stop the match! This is nothing but a legal mugging!

Laser begins distracting the ref, and Hart goes outside the ring and comes up with a pane of glass!

TETE: Well, we should have expected this sooner or later.

Hart gets back in the ring and stands over Malice, the glass raised over his head. He starts to bring it down, but Malice raises a boot, and the glass shatters harmlessly over Malice's foot - and into Hart's face!

TETE: Hart's hurt! Hart's hurt bad!

Malice nails Hart with a piledriver, then goes for a pin. The ref notices what's going on, rushes over, and does the count. 1...2...3! Malice wins!

TETE: Malice just beat two men entirely on his own!

FLOYD: So what? That's not so impressive. Even Shawn Michaels did that.

Laser curses and exits up the ramp. Malice stands up, looks around for the Laser Show, and exits through the audience.

TETE: Well, Laser has survived another match with Malice!

FLOYD: Of course he has! Laser's a master of survival!

TETE: Well, we'll see how long that lasts! Malice is bound to get his revenge sooner or later!

FLOYD: Doesn't the fact that Laser has so consistently insisted on his innocence give you any pause? What happened to innocent until proven guilty?

TETE: In Malice's mind, Laser's been judged. All that's left is the execution of the sentence.

FLOYD: Well, we need to execute a commercial.

TETE: Right as unusual, Floyd. We'll be back with the main event after this!

COMMERCIAL

We come back just as "Sad but True" hits and Steve Roman appears at the top of the ramp. He's wearing his Roman Empire jacket over his referee's shirt. The crowd pops as he makes his way to the ring, all business.

TETE: Our special referee for the evening has just arrived.

FLOYD: Yeah? What's so special about him?

Roman climbs to the top turnbuckle and salutes the crowd, who pop in appreciation.

TETE: There aren't many men in the business with this kind of popularity. In fact, I can name three: Austin, the Rock, and Malice.

FLOYD: Popularity doesn't make him good. I mean, look at the Rock. He's popular, and he's got six moves in his repertoire. I think Steve Roman might have even less than that.

"Run" by Pink Floyd hits, and Scott Raye begins the walk down the ramp, a big grin plastered to his young face. The Lineman is at his side, warily watching everything that's going on around him.

FLOYD: Boy, I bet this kid feels lucky. In USXWF all of two weeks, and he's got a title shot against a legend.

TETE: A legend?

FLOYD: Of course! C-Cube is the only wrestling superstar to have a deity in his corner!

TETE: Not according to Reverend Spank. Or La Parka. Or the Harbinger. Or the Brothers Hand. Or-

FLOYD: I get the picture.

TETE: The Lineman's looking awfully cautious.

FLOYD: I wonder why.

TETE: I would be too. He probably thinks this is a trap.

Scott Raye gets in the ring and eagerly shakes hands with Roman, who smiles politely and shakes the kid's hand.

"Fuck 'em and Their Law" hits and C-Cube comes down the ramp, the USXWF title around his waist, the Brothers Hand at his side. He pauses at the bottom of the ramp and kneels for a moment in prayer, then gets up and climbs into the ring. Scott Raye holds out his hand for a shake, which C-Cube is more than happy to oblige him with. C-Cube is speaking quietly to Raye, and Raye's eyes are starting to glaze over. The Lineman and Roman break up the handshake and Roman signals for the bell to ring and the match to start.

Raye moves to tie up with C-Cube, and C-Cube asks for a moment to remove his belt. Raye steps back respectfully as C-Cube takes his belt off and hands it to Cyril, who hands it to Remington. C-Cube then gestures to Raye that they can start, and C-Cube and Raye tie up. Raye whips C-Cube into the ropes, and C-Cube comes back with an overhead belly to belly suplex. Raye gets up and gives C-Cube a drop toe hold, then puts him in an ankle lock submission hold.

FLOYD: Obviously Scott Raye hasn't been doing his homework.

TETE: C-Cube isn't likely to tap out today or any other day.

Sure enough, C-Cube's eyes begin to go vacant, like they always do when he's put into a submission hold. Then, mind still absent, he reaches behind him, grabs Raye by the hair, and reverses the move into an STF!

TETE: That's amazing! C-Cube turned it to his advantage!