Tuesday Night Trauma
Part I
| Before the show starts, we flash
to a black and white shot of a security guard, possibly taken from a security camera.
We'll call him Herman. Herman is settling in to watch TNT, and he is clearly pretty
excited about it. Across the bottom of the screen, the words We are outside the Mabee Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and we hear the voice of Big Poppa Tete come over the speakers of our television. TETE: Good evening, fans, and welcome to our special Halloween edition of Tuesday Night Trauma, emanating from the Mabee Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma! And what the heck was that little short before the show? FLOYD: I don't know, Poppa. USXWF's version of GTV perhaps? We cut to the inside of the sold-out Mabee Center, where the fans are on their feet waiting for the show to begin. Among the signs in the crowd are the following jewels: HOW MANY IN THE MALICE FAMILY? RUBBERED CHICKENS I SLEPT WITH FLOYD! C-CUBE IS A SQUARE! LA PARKA 4 PRESIDENT TANNER SHOULD PIMP OFF THE MASK! We cut to Poppa Tete and Floyd Hermesol behind their announce table. Floyd is wearing a skeleton mask. TETE: And tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we have a phenomenal show after what can only be described as one of the most unusual events in wrestling history. FLOYD: I can't believe C-Cube is the champion, Poppa! I just can't! TETE: I know what you mean ... especially after winning it in the manner that he did. FLOYD: Pretty freakish coincidence, wouldn't you say? TETE: As a matter of fact, no I wouldn't. There was over a ton standing on the roof of that cell, Floyd. It was bound to happen. FLOYD: But C-Cube landing so conveniently on top of Roman. That was just too convenient. TETE: I admit, that was pretty strange. But a coincidence nonetheless. I mean, what else could it be? "Fuck 'em and Their Law" hits and C-Cube appears at the top of the ramp to a chorus of boos mixed with fanatical cheers. Behind him are Chet Stevens and the Brothers Hand. Clutched in his hands is the USXWF heavyweight title belt, which he lifts above his head and shows off to the crowd as he walks down to the ring. FLOYD: Well, C-Cube's bound to give us his opinion of what happened Friday night. TETE (wryly): Yeah, I don't doubt that. C-Cube climbs between the ropes and takes the mic from the ring announcer. He turns and smiles serenely at the crowd, which has taken up an "Asshole" chant. C-Cube doesn't react, just continues to smile. C-CUBE: You can chant whatever you like. It doesn't change the fact that there was a divine intervention in this very ring on Friday night. It doesn't change the fact that a miracle occurred, and the hands of Shiva lifted this belt from Steve Roman's waist and placed it around mine. It doesn't change the fact that the USXWF champion is no longer a faithless, babbling buffoon, but a true Servant of Shiva. Lots of heat for C-Cube. TETE: A divine intervention? A miracle? Who the hell does he think he is? FLOYD: A messiah, I'd say. The heat continues to rain down on C-Cube and the Servants of Shiva, but he continues on, unfettered. C-CUBE: And seeing as this belt, this religious artifact, is now in the hands of a messenger, the message nonetheless cannot be forgotten. I could do what Steve Roman has done day in and day out since Delirium when he won the belt ... I could strut around this ring and the locker room like a latter-day King Herod, but the Hand of Shiva would strike me down, as it did Steve Roman and the other fools who have chosen that path. Instead I will use my belt ... Shiva's belt ... as an opportunity to spread the word. Each opponent I vanquish, each fool who suffers Karmic Debt, will look up after I pin them and see the lasting glory of Shiva shining out of the mere mortal form of Chris Kamzoil, and they will pray for the same power, the same strength, the same brief glimpse of immortality that I have been given. The crowd's boos are getting louder with every word. TETE: The arrogance! The arrogance of this young man! FLOYD: There's going to be a riot if someone doesn't shut him up! As if on cue, "Sad but True" hits and the crowd is on their feet cheering for the Roman Empire. And out they come, Steve Roman leading the way, Dino Fischetti right behind him, the Big Bald Bitch behind Fischetti (cigar protruding from his mouth as usual), and James Sharp bringing up the rear. All are wearing the "Roman Empire" leather jackets (Fischetti's tailor-made into a trenchcoat) they were wearing on Warbash. They walk down the ramp, but stop short of entering the ring. TETE: Roman and his gang have arrived in the building! And Roman looks furious! Roman raises his mic to his lips as the audience cheers wildly. ROMAN: I'll tell you what, Halloween is all about ghosts and witches and goblins and shit, but this is the scariest damn thing I've seen since "The Exorcist"! The crowd pops appreciatively. C-CUBE: How dare you interrupt my sermon? ROMAN: Who appointed you spiritual leader for the USXWF? Just because you've got that belt doesn't mean you earned it, pal. You didn't earn it, you didn't even come close. You got lucky because the entire roster all of a sudden got a case of the stupids and decided to fight on the roof of the cell. Now, I'll admit, I had a part in that, too, as did the rest of the Roman Empire here. That's the only reason you're holding it instead of undergoing gastrointestinal surgery to remove it from your ass! C-CUBE: Oh yes, most amusing, Roman. You are a funny fellow. It's time for you to face facts. You're not the champion anymore, I am. Why don't you go back to UWO? Go be a big-timer among the small-timers. Or finally get around to answering that message Vince McMahon leaves you every week, and go job in the WWF. And you can take your little clique with you. You'll all fit right in. Roman Empire? A play on words. I get it. Yes, most amusing, Steve. I feel sorry for you. I tried to teach you, I really did. But I failed. I blame only myself for what I have allowed you to become, when you could have been so much more. So I pray to Shiva now that you will go elsewhere. For as long as you are here, I will feel compelled to instruct the uninstructable ... a fate worse than any other for an obsessive man such as myself. So please go, Steve Roman. I can no longer help you, no matter how much you beg. ROMAN: I'm not going anywhere. This is where I belong, and that belt belongs around my waist. And I want a title shot now, tonight, you and me in that ring. The crowd pops. TETE: Roman and C-Cube? Tonight? C-Cube shakes his head sadly. C-CUBE: I'm sorry, Steve. You may not have heard, but I've already set up my first title defense against Scott Raye tonight. And quite frankly, you're not up to my standards, Steve. You're not a worthy champion. You don't appreciate the belt the way I do. ROMAN: You nutcase, you'd better give me my title shot ... you don't want to see the Icon when he's pissed off. C-CUBE: I'm sorry, Roman. But you'll never get a title shot as long as I'm champion. That I can guarantee. "Hail to the Chief" hits and Commissioner Chris Benton comes down to a big pop from the crowd. C-Cube and the other Servants look a bit dismayed, while Roman merely turns to await a ruling. BENTON: The Roman Empire and the Servants of Shiva ... gee whiz, you guys really hate each other, don't you? Hmmmmm ... I'll have to consider that while making up the card for Blood & Gold. C-CUBE: I won't face Roman, Benton. I have the right as champion to fight who I want. BENTON: Yes. But take a closer look at your contract. Read the fine print. At pay-per-views, because it's our money, we can make you face whoever we want. So I'd advise you to watch your tongue if you don't want to end up in a three-on-one inferno handicap match. Now, as to tonight ... unfortunately, Roman, he's right. He is booked against Scott Raye tonight. However, if I know C-Cube, and I think I do, it wouldn't be below him to cheat just a little bit to make sure he retains the title tonight. Therefore, I'm appointing a special guest referee to those proceedings this evening ... you, Roman. Roman grins as the crowd pops. C-Cube is quietly enraged. C-CUBE: One day, you'll pay for this. I failed you as a teacher, Roman. I promise you, I will not fail Scott Raye. And if you try to destroy my lesson - class will be in session for you once again. C-Cube exits the ring through the audience, the Servants of Shiva behind him. The Roman Empire exits back up the ramp, Roman talking to Benton on the way up. TETE: Well, I think it's safe to say this war between the Servants of Shiva and the Roman Empire is far from over, Floyd. FLOYD: Hell, no. It may just be getting started. TETE: We'll be right back with Fate and the Harbinger! COMMERCIAL FOR BLOOD & GOLD We come back from commercial as the Harbinger's music hits and the Gatekeeper begins the long walk down the ramp, the Harbinger not too far behind. The Gatekeeper is playing to the crowd, and the Harbinger just silently walks, intent on his mission. TETE: This grudge match comes out of an incident that took place on Warbash, where Reverend Spank accidentally spilled a vial of acid on the Harbinger. FLOYD: Of course, that was mostly Avron LongArm's fault. TETE: Spank shouldn't have been using the acid in the first place. FLOYD: He was punishing the sinners! It was his only choice! TETE: Well, that's your opinion, it's not a fact. FLOYD: My opinions are as good as facts. As Floyd is making this point, Fate's music comes up, and Fate starts walking down the ramp. He pauses at the bottom, waiting for the Reverend to appear, which he does, mic in hand. SPANK: My friends, we are gathered here in the sight of God to witness the punishment of this sinner the Harbinger, who will doubtlessly thank me for the physical cleansing of the spirit Fate and I are about to deal unto him. May Heaven bless and keep my warrior of Christ as he walks into battle with only his wits to protect him. TETE: And a mean vial of acid. FLOYD: Poppa! The Reverend is speaking! SPANK: I wish I could say I was sorry for your pain and suffering, Harbinger. But I am not. You brought it on yourself through your false prophecy and your blaspheming ways. It was God's message, which you have chosen not to receive. Therefore, you must be given the message again ... now. At that, Fate leaps over the ropes and slams into the Harbinger in a mean cross body block, the bell ringing to start the match. The Harbinger and Fate begin to trade blows across the ring, Fate being the most successful. The Harbinger furiously kicks Fate in the gut and hits him with a DDT, much to Spank's consternation. Fate gets straight up, whips the Harbinger into the ropes, and clotheslines him to the mat. The Gatekeeper, meanwhile, is harassing Reverend Spank. The Harbinger gets up from the clothesline and sets Fate up for a jackknife powerbomb, but Fate grabs the back of the Harbinger's legs and trips him onto his back, then gives him a head-spinning leg drop. A pin. 1 ... 2 ... the Harbinger kicks out. Fate pulls the Harbinger up by the hair and nails him with a brainbuster. The Harbinger is looking extremely groggy now. TETE: I'd say this match is damn near over. Fate has been working fast and furious so far. FLOYD: One of these days all of these God people ought to get in the ring and settle which religion is right once and for all. TETE: Let's get Barak and Arafat on the phone! They can take the Pope and the Dalai Lama on in a no holds barred grudge match for control over the planet's religious habits. FLOYD: Or their followers could just kill each other. TETE: Something tells me that's the more likely outcome. During this spiritual discourse, the Harbinger has mounted a comeback of sorts, the Reverend Spank looking on, keeping one eye on the match and the other on the Gatekeeper, who is still harassing him and moving closer and closer around the ring to Spank. The Harbinger hits Fate with a powerslam out of the corner, and goes for the pin. 1...2... Revered Spank puts his "warrior of Christ's" foot on the ropes. The crowd boos as the ref breaks it up. The Harbinger rushes in, intent on a clothesline, but Fate lifts his hand and grabs the Harbinger around the throat, and chokeslams him HARD. TETE: A devastating chokeslam from the warrior of Christ! He's going for a pin ... no! No! He's pulling the other big man to his feet! Fate traps the Harbinger's arms in the ring ropes and flips him over to the other side as Spank pulls out his vial. TETE: Hanging the Cross! Hanging the Cross! Fate has hung the cross, and the good Reverend is about to bless it! The Gatekeeper runs around from the other side of the ring. Reverend Spank sees him coming, panics, and tosses the vial at the Gatekeeper! The vial's contents fly into the Gatekeeper's face, and the Gatekeeper screams and grabs his face in agony! TETE: Oh my God! Oh my God, Spank has just burned the Gatekeeper with acid! This is terrible! FLOYD: Hey! Maybe we'll make the elevon o'clock news! Stuff like this doesn't happen every day! The Harbinger, enraged, breaks loose from the ropes, grabs the surprised Reverend, and piledrives him on the concrete floor! Fate comes down and picks the Harbinger up, intending to drop him on the steel barrier between the audience and the ring, but the Harbinger slips loose and throws Fate into the barrier himself! TETE: The Harbinger is free and he is furious! Spank is in trouble! The Harbinger grabs Reverend Spank by the hair and drags the Reverend to the Gatekeeper, who is still screaming and covering his eyes. He scoops the Gatekeeper up, and the Harbinger heads up to the stage, dragging Spank behind him. The Harbinger puts his severely injured manager down, then sets Spank up for a chokeslam off the stage! TETE: No! No, Harbinger! He's not worth it! The Harbinger seems to think he is. He lifts Spank into the air and chokeslams him the twelve feet off the stage, and through a table set up directly beneath them! TETE: Holy Moses, smell the roses! Spank is broken in half! The Harbinger stands above Spank, shouting something down at the Reverend. The Harbinger grabs his manager again and exits. TETE: My God, what a match! We'll be back with a European Title match! Good God! COMMERCIAL The view of the USXWF arena comes back up, panning around to get a good shot of the audience before coming back down to show Big Papa Tete and Floyd Hermesol down at the announcer's table. FLOYD: Hey, Papa, who're you going to vote for on the 7th? TETE: I don't think it's appropriate to voice political opinions on the air, Floyd. FLOYD: Well, I disagree! I'm voting for Walter MacGeegan! TETE: Walter MacGeegan? FLOYD: Yeah!! He wants to ban the constitution and set up a dictatorship in which only people named Floyd rule! TETE: As always, Floyd, you prove yourself to be an ass. FLOYD: And after the 7th, you're going to be kissing that ass, dammit! TETE (after a pause): Floyd, Walter MacGeegan doesn't exist, does he? FLOYD (longer pause): ... No... TETE: Once again, Floyd, you waste everyone's time. Now, we have to move on to our next match, Avron Longarm versus Jimmy Steele! Longarm's flute-filled theme music comes up over the sound system, and the tall ninja comes into view. He bows to the audience before proceeding down the ramp to the ring, where he waits patiently for his opponent. "Testify" replaces the previous music, announcing Jimmy Steele's appearance. He comes out, wearing a few bandages on his shoulder and a small part of his forehead. He yells at Longarm as he runs down the ramp. FLOYD: Remind me again... why are these two fighting? I thought they were a tag-team. TETE: Well, apparently, Jimmy got pretty pissed off that he got that acid spilled on him on Warbash. It looks like he blames Longarm for some reason. FLOYD: But, Papa, we all saw the tapes... if it weren't for Longarm, Jimmy's injuries would be a lot worse. TETE: I guess Jimmy Steele doesn't see it that way. Indeed, Steele dives into the ring and immediately rushes at Longarm, just as the bell rings. Jimmy's attack catches Longarm by surprise, and Steele's numerous punches soon have Longarm backed into the corner. Jimmy continues pummeling, knocking Longarm off his feet. TETE: Holy Wombat with a sexual attraction to Richard Nixon! Steele's getting into this match fast! FLOYD: What's this about wombat's and Nixon? Steele pulls Longarm to his feet and whips him to the opposite turnbuckle, and follows up with a powerful clothesline that knocks Longarm back, leaving him lying atop the ropes. Steele pushes off the second rope, launching himself into the air, and brings his elbow down across Longarm's chest. He then duplicates the maneuver, knocking Longarm off the ropes and to the floor outside the ring. Steele climbs through the ropes and hops down off the apron. He grabs Longarm's arm and hauls him to his feet, then tries to throw him into the steel steps. However, Longarm manages to reverse the throw, and sends Steele crashing into the steps. Steele bounces off and rolls up against the barricade. TETE: Both wrestlers are putting all their energy into this grudge match! FLOYD: Well, both of them are holding back. If you're really a ninja, whip out your katana or wakizashi or something! TETE: We have chairs for that sort of thing, Floyd. Longarm climbs onto the apron as Steele slowly climbs to his feet. Just as Steele straightens up, Longarm launches himself off the ropes, jump-kicking Steele in the chest. Again, Steele smashes into the barricades, and Longarm follows up with a spin-kick. Steele slumps over. Longarm pulls Steele up into a sitting position, and pulls his arm back to begin pounding on Steele's bandaged shoulder, but hesitates. After a few seconds, Longarm begins punching Steele in the gut, ignoring his vulnerability. FLOYD: What's Longarm doing? Steele's shoulder is a big weakness right now! TETE: But that wouldn't be honorable, now would it? After a few moments, Longarm pulls Steele up and rolls him back into the ring. Longarm jumps up onto the apron and climbs on top of the turnbuckle. He leaps off, just as Steele hops back up to his feet. As Longarm comes down, Steele catches him and flips him over for a belly-to-belly suplex. TETE: Incredible reversal! Steele hooks Longarm's leg for a pin, but Longarm manages to kick out after the two count. Steele pulls Longarm to his feet and begins punching him into a corner again, but Longarm manages to grab Steele's fist. He throws Steele into the turnbuckle. Steele bounces off, staggering forward. Longarm throws himself against the ropes, bounces off, and catches Steele in a Bulldog, slamming him face-first into the ring. Longarm quickly rolls Steele over and goes for the cover. FLOYD: Hey, it looks like the karate kid is gonna win! The ref begins counting, but Steele manages to get his foot up on the ropes. The ref stops counting, prompting a confused Longarm to jump to his feet and question the ref about it. Steele uses the opportunity to roll out of the ring. He reaches underneath the ring apron and pulls out a 2X4, and before the referee can notice, he slides back into the ring and smashes the board across Longarm's lower back. The ref immediately calls for the bell. TETE: The match ends in a disqualification for Steele! The ref tries to take the 2X4 away from Steele, but Steele just pushes him away. He hits Longarm with the board again before tossing it to the ground and jumping out of the ring. "Testify" comes back up over the speakers as he disappears under the Abbottron. FLOYD: Well, I think that match certainly helped to settle the differences between them, Papa. TETE: Yeah, right. I've never seen Jimmy Steele "settle", anything. COMMERCIAL
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