Delirium
Part III
| TETE: Well, I'll promise you this - if Valentine
is in any condition to be at the show later this week, he will be there. The Mask has a
reckoning to face. FLOYD: How can he "face" it when he's hiding behind that "mask"? TETE: Shut up, Floyd, we've got the tag-team match coming up now. FLOYD: Oh, no, that means... The lights dim, the trumpet blare, and "Pink Elephants On Parade" blasts through the loudspeakers. FLOYD: No, not these morons! The Court Jester and Mike the Chicken Eater amble into view, carrying a large toy chest between the two of them. Mike carries a rubber chicken, and the Jester carries a whoopie cushion, and they both throw their respective props into the crowd. They dump the toy chest on the far side of the ring before climbing up onto the apron, still making faces towards the crowd. Up next come the Brothers Hand, both walking towards the ring as if they were going to church, their music bringing no applause from the crowd. They climb into the ring and make the sign of the cross towards the Jester and Mike, and the two Sideshowman respond by blowing kisses at their opponents. Remington and Cyril glare back. Next up, "Testify" comes up over the speakers, and Jimmy Steele and Ragin' Ray Brown appear amid a chorus of boos from the audience. The two raise their arms over their head, trying to raise a more positive reaction from the crowd, but failing miserably. TETE: Ray Brown may not be in tip-top shape, having been out of commission for a while. FLOYD: But he's a part of the Company Line, and they're invincible! TETE: Would you like some Pledge? FLOYD: What? Why? TETE: To clean that brown off your nose. Jimmy Steele is barely able to contain himself as the Jester and Mike send taunt after taunt his way, but Ray holds him back. TETE: All right, now all we need is our mysterious tag-team... Once again, "Wait To Bleed" blasts over the loudspeakers, and the audience pops as Dino Fischetti and Big Bald Bitch appear, looking none the worse for wear after their Hardcore match. Dino wears the Hardcore Title Belt around his waist. TETE: This was all planned from the start! Whoever scheduled this match knew that Big Bald Bitch and Dino Fischetti would be teaming up! FLOYD: So Faust was set up. Sheer genius. Bitch and Dino climb into the ring, taking up their spots at the fourth corner. Dino climbs into the ring first, handing his belt to a ringside assistant. In the other three corners, first up are: Cyril Hand, Jimmy Steele, and the Court Jester. The bell rings, and Jimmy Steele makes a beeline straight for the Jester, but he's intercepted by Dino's mad charge. Dino begins pummeling his former companion mercilessly, giving Cyril and the Jester a chance to lock horns. TETE: This is astounding! Not only have Bitch and Dino joined forces, but it seems like they're trying to separate themselves from the Company Line entirely! Dino and Jimmy spill out of the ring, and Ray comes to his partner's rescue but gets caught by Big Bald Bitch from behind. The ref desperately tries to drag the two teams apart. While the ref's attention is diverted, Mike reaches into his toy chest and pulls out a large nerf gun, then climbs on top of the turnbuckle, holding the toy gun like a club. The Jester sees Mike in position, and whips Cyril towards the turnbuckle. Cyril manages to stop himself, only to catch a face full of hard plastic as Mike swings the ersatz bludgeon. Cyril stumbles backwards as the Jester is about to spear him, but Remington had since run into the ring to his brothers' aid, grabbing the Jester's legs, sending the Clown Prince sprawling on his face. He kicks at the Jester's ribs, and Cyril manages to break out of his stupor long enough to join in for the double-team. Meanwhile, Mike reaches into the toy chest once again, extracts a pair of rubber chickens, then returns to the turnbuckle. He crouches for a few moments, then launches his small frame into the air, and brings the two artificial poultry down across the necks of the Brothers Hand. The two religious zealots stumble backwards from the assault, as Mike somersaults back up to his feet. FLOYD: Those things are made of rubber, you wimps! TETE: Wrong, Floyd, the Jester probably inserted a steel pole down the center of both of them. Outside the ring, Dino and Bitch try to whip Ray and Jimmy towards each other, but Jimmy manages to reverse BBB's throw, and Bitch and Ray wind up colliding. Dino comes after Jimmy, but Steele slides down into a quick drop-kick, causing Dino to crash into the ref, knocking out the official, then face-first into the ringside steps. Jimmy climbs up onto the apron to drop a move on the fallen Fishetti... During all this, the Jester continues his attack on Cyril, while Mike works over Remington. The Jester whips Cyril into the ropes, and tries to deliver a clothesline on the bounceback, but Cyril ducks underneath it. However, he crashes into Jimmy Steele before the Company Linesman can deliver his move onto Dino. Cyril crashes to the mat in pain, and Jimmy falls to the floor outside. Big Bald Bitch continues pounding and kicking Ray Brown. Mike pulls Remington up, and flashes his mad grin towards the audience as he hoists the Hand off his feet, then drops him down into a powerbomb, then lifts him for another powerbomb, then lifts him for a third time and drops Remington on his back. TETE: The Freakshow, the Freakshow! You know what that means! FLOYD: Yeah, the Idiot King will be showing off his loincloth fetish pretty soon... The Jester and Mike exchange high-fives as the Jester crouches down facing the recovering Cyril. When Cyril climbs to his feet, the Jester leaps forward and catches him in the midsection, spearing him into the ropes. On the bouncback, the Jester hoists Cyril over his shoulder and onto his back into a pin. Mike pulls the ref into the ring and shouts in his ear, making the official come out of his daze. He sees the pin and begins to count, slowly... 1....... 2........ 3! TETE: The Court Jester delivers the Punchline for the win! The Sideshow are the new tag-team champions! FLOYD: Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit... Meanwhile, Dino has regained his senses, and notices Jimmy Steele lying on the ground. He picks Jimmy up and lays him over his shoulder. Big Bald Bitch, noticing what his partner is doing, does the same with Ragin' Ray. The two rush towards each other crash their chests together, which smashes the heads of Ray and Jimmy together. The two Company Linesmen fall to the floor, and Dino and Big Bald Bitch leave the scene. Back in the ring, the Jester positions himself over Cyril's limp form. The audience, going wild before, cheers even louder now as the Jester begins tugging on Cyril's underwear. FLOYD: Oh, make it stop! TETE: The Atomic Wedgie! Cyril's underwear rips out of his trousers, and the Jester waves it around like a victory trophy even as Mike performs the same treatment on Remington. The two stuff the undergarments into their pockets as they're presented with the tag-team belts. Finally, Mike rushes back to their toy chest and returns with the two large Mega-Moistener water guns. Jester and Mike begin spraying both the Brothers' Hand and the fallen Company Line. TETE: Holy hell, what's that smell?!? FLOYD: It isn't... it can't be... TETE: They put urine in those water guns!! FLOYD: Aah! A fate worse than death, a fate worse than listening to Britney Spears... getting drenched in the Jester's own bodily waste! The Jester and Mike toss their toys to the mat, and as their music blasts through the arena, they depart from the scene... hippity-hoppity! A few seconds after they left, a janitorial team appeared to hose down and clean the arena, and to drag the four remaining contestants away. TETE: This is incredibly... the Sideshow finally got their hands on the coveted Tag Team belts after getting screwed over by the Company Line for so long! FLOYD: I'd make a joke about them being "pissed off", Papa, but frankly, those two idiots aren't worth it! TETE: And what part did Dino and Bitch play in this? Were they in cahoots with the Sideshow, or were they merely out for the blood of their former compatriots? FLOYD: All I know is that they turned traitor, which means that they need to be dealt with soon, and harshly! TETE: It looks like the cleanup squad has managed to get the ring back into presentable shape by now. FLOYD: Oh, all those guys deserve a big fat raise, having to deal with the probably-toxic chemicals that the Jester pisses out.... and let's not even talk about what Mike's bladder does! TETE: Here it is, folks! This is the biggie! The story of the night! We are finally going to get to meet the three mysterious newcomers! And tonight three important positions in this company will be decided upon! FLOYD: Oh, God, I can't watch! This is going to be awful, Poppa! I think poor Mr. Laser might be outnumbered and outgunned this time! TETE: Mr. Laser? FLOYD: Oh, shut up, Poppa. "Hail to the Chief" hits and Ty Emeterio, Brian Harris, and Brandon Schmidt make their way down to the ring, all wearing referee's shirts and playing to the crowd. The crowd loves them and pops hugely when Emeterio leaps onto the rope of the center ring and hoists his middle fingers in the air, a la Stone Cold. Meanwhile, Harris and Schmidt take their places in the ring. "Woke Up This Morning" hits and Rico Laser comes down to heat unheard of in Los Angeles since the Dodgers traded Mike Piazza. You can almost feel the hatred. Laser shouts obnoxiously at the crowd, then pretends they don't bother him and bounces against the ropes a couple of times. The sound of tambourines and shouting can be heard as the crowd begins to get a little louder at the imminent arrival of C-Cube. Suddenly, "Fuck 'em and Their Law" blasts deafeningly out of the speakers and C-Cube comes dancing down the ramp, the Brothers Hand dancing right behind him. They all get in the ring together and dance some more, but Harris interrupts and tells the Brothers Hand to get lost. They refuse. Harris gets into C-Cube's face and tells him to get rid of the disciples before he has to call security down. TETE: Boy, look at how mad Harris is. FLOYD: He just can't stand a good party, is all. Just as it looks like things might erupt into violence, a wind picks up. A strong wind this time, not a breeze like before. Then, "Supernova Goes Pop" hits and the crowd blows the roof off of the Ahmanson. Malice swings down to the ring on a similar rope to the type that Trent Valentine was on earlier, and he lands right between C-Cube and Harris. Malice seems to exchange a few words with Harris, then with C-Cube, and then C-Cube, staring Malice down, orders the Brothers Hand to the back. The Brothers go without further incident. FLOYD (disgusted): Always the diplomat. TETE: Malice and Laser are certainly eyeing each other. Sure enough, the match hasn't even started and Malice and Laser are already staring each other down furiously. Malice smirks and says something to Laser. Laser walks over and Malice gets into fighting position when the lights go out in the arena. FLOYD: What the-? TETE: Our first new superstar. Hold on folks, I think this one's gonna be a hellacious ride!! The lights begin to flicker, slowly, then faster and faster until it's almost like a strobe light. Then a burst of blue light on the stage, and "Sad but True" by Metallica hits. And out from the back comes... TETE: Steve Roman! It's Steve Roman! Oh my God, I knew it was big, but this is unbelievable!! FLOYD: Steve who? The 6'9, 300 pound veteran superstar Roman charges down to the ring and spears C-Cube with ferocity, then sets about beating him senseless with huge, meaty fists. TETE: Unbelievable! It's Steve Roman! FLOYD: Well, I guess we know who C-Cube's opponent is! But Steve who? Who is this guy? TETE: Are you kidding, Floyd? Roman has held a heavyweight title in just about every fed there is! FLOYD: Oh, THAT Steve Roman. Suddenly, "Sad but True" ends and the lights change from blue to bright red. A pulsing beat begins to hit the speakers, and then "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith hits the crowd like they'd stuck their collective fingers in a wall socket. Someone screams at the top of their lungs, "GLAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!" And sure enough, out walks... TETE: Oh my God, I don't believe this! FLOYD: Now him I know! TETE: Ladies and gentlemen, we've been joined by Marty Hart of the famed Hart family! Hart, like Roman, wastes no time in coming after his opponent, Malice. The first thing Hart does is go for a steel chair and nails Malice with it while Malice's back is turned. Laser runs over to join Hart, immediately recognizing an ally when he sees one. Emeterio grabs a mic and addresses Laser. EMETERIO: Not so fast, Rico. This one we flew in special .... just for you. "Walk This Way" ends as Roman and C-Cube and Hart and Malice continue to brawl all over their respective rings. Then, a Latin beat begins to pump through the crowd. Laser look sup at the Abbottron, shocked at the video that's playing there. The crowd is going insane. TETE: Laser seems pretty shaken up by something or other. FLOYD: I think he recognizes the music, Poppa. We recognize the Latin beat as "Black is Black" by Los Lobos, and the crowd goes absolutely insane as a man in full lucidor gear, complete with mask, comes down to the ring. FLOYD: I don't know this one, Poppa. TETE: Actually, I don't either. FLOYD: Is that La Parka maybe? TETE: No, no, I don't think so. FLOYD: Well, I mean, it could be anyone under that mask. TETE: Laser knows him though. Look... As the other two matches continue to brawl, Laser cautiously approaches the Lucidor, who has calmly climbed into the ring. Laser grins and offers his hand. The Lucidor looks down at the hand, then finally, accepts it. With his other hand, he raises the mask to just a little over the mouth, as though to speak. Instead, he spits in Laser's face! TETE: A blatant display of disrespect from this mysterious lucidor! Not that I blame him. FLOYD: That's the owner of the company, Poppa! You can't do that to the owner! TETE: Well, this gentleman just did. Laser isn't about to accept that kind of thing from anyone, no matter who he is. Laser begins to punch the Lucidor. The Lucidor is more than happy to fight back. Meanwhile, Roman and C-Cube are still brawling with little regard for technicality. Finally, C-Cube gets himself together and manages to whip Roman off the ropes and into a back body drop. Roman quickly recovers, gets to his feet, and delivers a kick to C-Cube's midsection, then a DDT. He goes for the early pin. 1...2.. C-Cube gets the shoulder up. Harris breaks the two of them up. Roman gets C-Cube to his feet by the ears, then whips C-Cube into the ropes and delivers a clothesline from hell. Then a massive elbow drop and another pin. 1...2... C-Cube barely gets the shoulder up in time, then quickly grabs Roman and rolls him into a pin of his own. 1.. Roman powers out with remarkable strength and speed. In the neext ring over, Hart has Malice in an abdominal stretch. Schmidt is asking Malice if he can keep going. Malice nods, then reverses the abdominal stretch into a snapmare, powering Hart to the mat. Hart reaches for the steel chair, which is still lying in the ring, but Malice gets there first and tosses it into C-Cube and Roman's ring, where C-Cube picks it up and crowns Roman with it. C-Cube goes for the cover. 1...2... a long two, and Roman gets the shoulder up. They go back to their match. Malice has just superplexed Hart from the top rope and now is pulling Hart up by his hair. Malice drives his knee into Hart's face, but Hart recovers extremely quickly and manages a fisherman's suplex. In the first ring, Laser and the Lucidor are exchanging blows, a lot of martial arts stuff. Neither has managed to land anything solid yet. It's as though they know which moves are coming ahead of time. The lucidor jumps onto the second rope, gets a tremendous amount of air, and finally lands a dropkick on Laser. Laser goes down, but somersaults backwards and into a standing position just in time to block a potentially devastating kick to his knee. Laser grabs the leg that so viciously attacked his knee, but the Lucidor gets off an enziguri before Laser can do anything about it. Laser comes back with a flurry of punches to the torso, all of which land solidly, backing the Lucidor into a corner. Laser whips the Lucidor into the other corner, then power slams his opponent back to the mat. He goes for the pin, then thinks better of it, remembering what he's really here for. TETE: Laser may regret that later... The Lucidor probably would have kicked out anyway, judging by the frisky way he's turned Laser's powerslam into a figure four leglock. All of a sudden, Roman comes flying over the ropes and breaks up the leglock, followed shortly by C-Cube, who immediately bulldogs Roman, then goes for a pin. Harris is there. 1...2... Roman kicks out. Laser and the Lucidor look at one another, grab C-Cube, and double suplex him out of the ring. Roman
nods his head, almost in absent thanks, then jumps over the ropes to the outside of the
ring, where C-Cube now has another steel chair. Roman ducks under the swing of the chair,
then grabs C-Cube and plows him into the steel steps, which then plow into Marty Hart, who
has just landed on the outside of the ring thanks to a clothesline from Malice. Hart
angrily turns around and scrambles over the steel steps, coming after Roman. The Lucidor laughs and beckons for Abbott to come after him with the bat again. Abbott does, the Lucidor dodges out of the way, and Abbott hits Laser in the ribs this time! Laser doubles over and collapses in the corner trying to get his wind. The Lucidor simmply walks over, wrenches the bat out of Abbott's hand, and seems to consider hitting him with it. Abbott gets on his knees and begs the Lucidor. The Lucidor shrugs and drops the bat, then starts to walk over to Laser. Harris, who has just climbed into the ring, stops the Lucidor and asks him to hand Harris the bat. The crowd pops as the Lucidor grins and hands Harris the aluminum bat, which Harris
immediately takes to the back of Abbott's neck, much to the delight of the crowd. As
Harris stands over Abbott pointing at him and yelling, the Lucidor goes to pin Laser. But
Emeterio is out! The Lucidor calls for Harris, who quickly turns to count. 1... But too
late! Laser is up and furious. He charges the Lucidor, no longer concerned with
technicalities. The Lucidor hits a drop toe hold on Laser. The Lucidor climbs to the top rope and prepares to do a moonsault on to Laser's prone form, but all of a sudden, Roman and Hart appear in the ring! Roman swings at Hart with a sledghammer. Hart ducks and Roman hits the Lucidor in the back with it. The Lucidor lurches forward, then overcompensates in trying to keep his balance, falls back. Laser is now up, crowbar in hand, and hits the Lucidor in the chest with it. Roman and Hart battle into the audience. Laser climbs the top rope, then calls for the Laser Beam. The audience is booing him.
As he faces his friends, his fans, his foes, the Lucidor reaches over and picks up the
last remaining unbroken pane of glass. As Laser performs the maneuver, the Lucidor hold
the glass pane out in front of him, and Laser's head smashes right through it!
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