TETE: My God, what a show we've
had so far tonight! No title changes yet, but the biggie is still to come ... tonight's
main event, a full-on stable war streetfight inside a Hell in a Cell! That's coming up
real soon. But now...
"Woke up This Morning" hits and Rico Laser appears at the top of the ramp, mic
in hand.
LASER: Malice, this is the last time I am going to say this: I swear to you that I am
completely innocent of any wrongdoing. I've got an alibi, I've got a witness, my motive is
shaky at best ... so I'm begging you, sir, and the Laser Show doesn't beg well ... give
this mission up. I promise you I'm innocent, and I'll even help you figure out who's
guilty, but it isn't me! I don't know why Spite said it was, but-
Laser is cut off as "Supernova Goes Pop" erupts from the speakers to a massive
pop from the crowd. Laser immediately begins looking around him, waiting for Malice's
arrival.
TETE: Once again, ladies and gentlemen, the rules to this match are simple: the usual ring
ropes have been replaced by ropes with an electric charge running through them which will
be turned on once both men are in the ring, which has been wet down. This is essentially a
last man standing match ... for every fall, the ref will begin a count of ten, and if the
competitor is not on his feet at the end of the count, he is the loser.
FLOYD: So why the electrified ropes?
TETE: Malice's specialty. He calls it a Typhoon Match.
Malice walks down the ramp, for once in his usual costume, Spite accompanying him to the
ring. No mask, though. He enters the ring in the opposite way you'd expect, not charging
immediately after Laser, but slowly climbs between the ropes, then walks to the center and
stares Laser down. The look on his face is pure disgust. Spite stands on the outside of
the ring, giving Laser a furious look. Malice signals for the timekeeper to hit the juice,
and the arena is immediately humming with the sound of an electrical charge. The bell
rings.
Just before Malice and Laser prepare to go at each other, "Pink Elephants on
Parade" hits, and they both look up the ramp in surprise as the Court Jester enters,
fondling a rubber chicken and giggling to himself. He signals for them to go on. That's
all the permission Malice needs. He clocks Laser while Laser is still watching the Jester.
The Jester lets out a hoot. He loves it.
TETE: The Court Jester has arrived to observe the proceedings.
FLOYD: What is that idiot doing here, Papa? For that matter, why did Malice bring Spite
down to the ring?
TETE: Well, I don't know about the Jester, but I'm sure Spite is here to put a rein on her
brother if he starts getting out of hand.
And it looks like Spite may have to do just that, as Malice is already going to town on
Laser pretty hard. Laser is flat on his back and being pummelled by Malice's boot. Malice
pulls Laser to his feet and gives him a sidewalk slam, then attempts to whip Laser into
the ropes. But Laser reverses it and Malice flies towards them, halting himself just in
time. Laser leaps from where he's standing and hits Malice with a hurricanrana!
TETE: My God, what athleticism! No momentum from the ropes, and Laser pulls off an amazing
vertical leap!
Malice is surprised and angered by Laser's move, and throws all technicality out of the
book, hitting Laser with a flying tackle that sends them both flying into the ropes. Laser
lets out a scream and pulls loose, followed closely by Malice, who doesn't even flinch.
Malice stalks the wounded Laser around the ring as Laser looks for a move he won't need
the ropes for. He finds one by hitting Malice with a drop toe hold. Malice falls headfirst
into the ropes and yelps. He starts to get up and move, but Laser stops him, grabbing
Malice by the hair and shoving his face into the ropes. Malice's body jerks.
TETE: Laser is sadistic! Look at that!
FLOYD: He's fighting for his life, Papa!
TETE: That's true, Floyd.
Laser backs away with a final kick to Malice's back and Malice slides away from the ropes.
The ref begins a count. He reaches five, then Malice straggles to his feet and, mounting a
quick burst of energy, runs in and takes Laser down by the hair. Laser is fighting as
Malice drags him towards the opposite ropes and begins to push his head into them. Laser
kicks Malice in the groin and pulls loose. Malice stands, hits Laser with a Lou Thesz
press, and whales on Laser with furious rights and lefts. Laser manages to turn the press
into a roll up pin, but the referee doesn't count.
TETE: Sorry, Mr. Laser, but pinfalls don't count in this match.
Laser stands and begins to argue with the ref. Malice comes from behind and gets Laser
with a rolling German suplex. Once ... twice ... three times, and on the third, Laser hits
the ref and both go tumbling into the ropes! Laser pulls loose as quickly as he can, but
the ref is tangled in them and can't get free! Laser goes to help free the ref, but Malice
stops him and hits him with a right cross. The crowd begins to boo.
TETE: Now that's just wrong! Malice isn't helping Laser to free the poor referee!
FLOYD: What's going on, Papa? It seems like Laser and Malice have reversed roles, almost.
TETE: Well, Malice isn't all there, like we've been saying for weeks.
Spite goes around to the other side and frees the referee, who collapses on the mat,
unconscious.
TETE: No ref! No ref! What now?
Malice throws Laser against the ropes, but Laser isn't feeling any pain now ... only
anger. He charges back with a clothesline and Malice falls. Laser pulls Malice up and
gives him a DDT, then climbs to the top turnbuckle and begins calling for the Laser Beam.
The crowd pops.
TETE: Unbelievable! Listen to the pop for Rico Laser who, just days ago, was the most
hated man in wrestling!
Suddenly, out of the audience come the Big Bald Bitch and Dino Fischetti. They climb up
onto the apron and knock Laser down from the turnbuckle.
TETE: What the hell are they doing here?
FLOYD: Selling girl scout cookies. What do you think they're doing here?
Fischetti climbs to the turnbuckle and hits a moonsault on Laser, followed by BBB, who is
careful not to touch the ropes. Malice sees them and begins to fight off Fischetti, much
to the crowd's delight.
The Court Jester watches all of this with interest.
Laser gets to his feet and joins Malice in battling Dirty Deeds. Malice and Laser
simultaneously whip Fischetti and BBB into the ropes, then hit them with a pair of
clotheslines on the way back. The crowd is thrilled to see Malice and Laser working
together. Malice and Laser turn to congratulate one another, then Malice remembers where
he is and goes back to punching Laser. Spite suddenly disappears under the ring and comes
up with a baseball bat, which she is wielding invitingly in Malice's direction. Malice
catches the signal, grins, and begins to lure Laser toward Spite and the bat.
TETE: No! I thought she was here to keep Malice in line!
The Court Jester's smile grows bigger.
Malice and Laser reach Spite. Spite rears back with the bat, goes to hit Laser, then turns
at the last minute and plows the bat right into Malice's face!
TETE: WHAT THE HELL? SPITE JUST HIT MALICE WITH THE BAT! SPITE JUST HIT MALICE WITH THE
BAT!
Malice goes down. Out of nowhere comes Chet Stevens, who is waking the ref up. The ref
gets up, sees Malice lying on the mat, and begins to count. Stevens and Spite meet at the
bottom of the ramp and Spite exits with him.
TETE: Spite's leaving with Chet Stevens!! Why?!! What in the name of Jehosophat is going
on around here?!
FLOYD: Simple. Malice got set up.
The ref finishes counting ten, and Laser wins the match. He doesn't look particularly
thrilled about the way he won, but he'll take it. He looks at Malice, who is still down,
staring at the ceiling in shock. He offers Malice his hand and Malice bats it away. Laser
exits through the ropes, the current having been turned off, and heads up the ramp. Malice
sits up and lets out a scream of anguish.
His eyes lock with the Court Jester's merry, amused ones. With a barking laugh, the Jester
reveals a mic from his pocket and holds it to his lips.
JESTER: Aww... like I, the Ever-Effervescent Court Jester, said just a few days ago...
what a happy, loving family! You're gonna love this, Malice-me-boy, you're gonna love
this...
The Jester produces an envelope from his pocket. He gestures to one of the cameramen to
come closer. He rips the envelope open.
JESTER: If you'll rack your knocked noodle a bit, you'll recall that I placed the
answer you seek in here.
He produces a small slip of paper, and with another laugh, he holds the paper right up
to the camera. Across the Abbottron, in letters ten feet high, we see a name:
"C-CUBE"
Malice pounds against the mat and screams again, his face looking as if he were about
to explode.
JESTER: And that's not even half the fun, my tempestuous-tempermented friend! ROLL THE
VIDEO!
On the Abbottron, we see a view of the inside of a sparse chamber, decorated only with
a few candles and a couple of chairs. The camera angle suggests that the camera was placed
in one of the corners. C-Cube is propped between the two chairs, his legs forming a
perfect split. Over the sound system, we hear a knocking.
C-CUBE: Come in...
Spite appears, wearing a dark coat. She walks calmly up to C-Cube.
SPITE: I need your help with something.
C-CUBE: I am always willing to help those who seek Enlightenment.
SPITE: Yeah, sure, whatever. I need your help with my brother. I need you to get him to
understand...
The video ends abruptly. Malice is on his feet, grinding his teeth. The Jester laughs
again into the mic, and an instant later Malice is sprinting up the ramp.
JESTER: Hold it, hold it, Malice-me-boy. C'mere and let ol' Unky Jester give you a few
words...
Malice stops just short of the Jester, glaring but listening.
JESTER: Now, I take it that the only thing you'd want would be a nice pile of
oh-so-sweet revenge, would that be right?
Malice nods, his whole body shaking, his facial expression looking feral.
JESTER: Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood.... then here's what you're gonna do...
The Jester places his arm across Malice's shoulders and tosses his mic away, and the
two of them disappear underneath the Abbottron.
TETE: I... I... I... I'm speechless...
FLOYD: I... I... I... I want some popcorn.
TETE: Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, it looks like Spite wasn't kidnaped at all... SHE
went to C-Cube and started this whole mess!!
FLOYD: It can't be, Papa, the Jester's gotta be behind all this! ::mumbles:: Please let
the Jester be behind all this...
TETE: My God! Simply amazing! What in the world is Malice going to do? He looked like a
broken man in that ring! And the Jester was acting like it was the funniest thing in the
world!
FLOYD: We haven't even gotten to the main event yet, Papa!
TETE: Well, the Hell in a Cell is lowering onto the ring now, and there are a number of
assistants in the ring littering it with all manner of foreign objects, from barbed wire
bats to ring bells to golf clubs. This one is gonna be a slobberknocker!
FLOYD: Sorry to interrupt, but the cameraman in the back says he's got something
interesting to show us.
TETE: Well, let's go to it.
We cut to the back hallway, just behind the ramp entrance, where Steve Roman is chewing
out Fischetti and BBB.
ROMAN: I wanna know just what the hell you were thinking, running out there like that!
We've got nothing to do with Laser! He's a loser, but he's Malice's problem!
BBB: Old business, Steve. You mind yours and we'll mind ours.
ROMAN: Sorry, but it doesn't work like that, Bitch! You know, I've been getting the
impression recently that there's too many chiefs around here and not enough Indians.
Roman stalks away. BBB looks on, fury stamped across his face.
FISCHETTI: Don't worry about it. After tonight, there really WILL be only one big dog in
this yard.
We cut back to Tete and Floyd.
TETE: What do you think Fischetti meant by THAT?
FLOYD: Don't go reading into this, now. It was just a disagreement.
TETE: I know that BBB and Laser have an old grudge, but-
FLOYD: Papa! You're obsessing again.
"Hail to the Chief" hits to a mixture of cheers and boos and Brian Harris comes
out, dressed in a referee's uniform. He takes his place in the ring, bounces off the ropes
a few times to inspect them, then stands and waits for the competitors.
"Sad but True" hits and the Roman Empire appears at the top of the ramp, BBB and
Fischetti looking a bit humiliated after their aborted attack on Rico Laser, and looking a
bit hostile towards Roman, who is ignoring them. Tibbs and Sharp seem blissfully unaware
of all the ill feelings surrounding them. They make their way down to the ring and into
the Hell in a Cell, Roman shouting instructions at the other members. BBB and Fischetti
exchange an angry glance.
TETE: Ooh, there is trouble in paradise, folks, no doubt about it.
FLOYD: You're so melodramatic, Papa. Settle down. Enjoy the show.
"Fuck 'em and Their Law" hits and the Servants of Shiva appear at the top of the
ramp ... with Spite behind them!
TETE: Oh, now you know that's gotta hurt Malice to see that.
C-Cube is smirking as he leads the way down the ramp, single file as usual. They all
clambor into the ring, except for Spite, who stands on the outside to root her master on.
C-Cube takes the belt off ... and immediately rushes at Steve Roman with it, colliding it
with his head! Roman is surprised and pained by the sudden attack and goes down hard.
Fischetti comes at C-Cube with a clothesline as Roman gathers himself and picks up a
cookie sheet. He goes after the fallen C-Cube with it, but is pulled back by Cyril Hand,
who clubs Roman over the head with an iron. Fischetti grabs up a golf club and begins to
go to work on C-Cube with it. Meanwhile, Scott Raye and BBB are brawling in another corner
of the ring, Tibbs and Remington have taken their fight to the outside, and James Sharp
and Chet Stevens are settling their score just behind Roman and Cyril. Harris is trying
desperately to follow all the action.
FLOYD: I don't know what HE's so worried about. In a match like this, he can't exactly
disqualify someone!
Tibbs nails Remington with a powerbomb on the hard concrete, and Remington hits a low blow
on Tibbs in response. Humiliated and angry, Tibbs reaches around for his trusty iron bar
and swings it at Remington in a wide arc. Remington ducks and hits Tibbs with an uppercut,
causing Tibbs to drop the pipe in surprise, allowing Remington to grab it up and nail
Tibbs in the ribs with it.
Stevens has sharp on the mat and climbs to the top turnbuckle to hit a splash on his hated
enemy. He raises his hands to the air and roars, then sails forth, but the Bitch is there
to catch him in midair in a remarkable feat of strength and hit him with a gorilla press
slam on top of a truck tire. BBB and Sharp pick the truck tire up together as Stevens gets
to his feet and ram him with it right in the face. Stevens goes down, and BBB and Sharp
make for the outside. Scott Raye regains consciousness after BBB had laid him out earlier
and follows them, a steel chair clamped in his hand.
Seeing the situation Tibbs is in, Sharp immediately leaves BBB's side and moves to help
his comrade, plowing into Remington Hand with a back body drop. BBB is already climbing
the cage, his eyes set on the belts hanging above it. But Raye pulls him down and hits him
once with the chair, then once more, with vigor. Raye is working on BBB relentlessly with
the chair. Suddenly, out of the audience comes the Lineman, to a huge cheer from the
crowd! The Lineman comes at Raye from behind and hits him with a chair of his own, then
exits up the ramp, shouting epithets at Raye as he goes. BBB shouts his thanks, then hits
Raye with a vicious knee drop on the concrete.
Spite sees the trouble Raye is in and moves to help him, but Kinky Magenta runs down the
ramp and hits her with a reverse DDT!
TETE: My goodness, everyone's getting in on the action tonight!
FLOYD: Papa, I wish you'd use the phrase "getting action" in reference to women
more often.
Inside the ring, C-Cube is arguing with Harris about the legality of the Lineman entering
the match, but Harris is pretending that he saw nothing. C-Cube shoves Harris and Harris
picks up a baseball bat and hands it to the now-conscious Steve Roman, who takes the bat
to C-Cube's knee. Cyril hits Roman in the back with a kidney punch, then gives him an
atomic drop, only to receive a brutal flying dropkick from Fischetti, who goes about
keeping Cyril busy as Roman recovers.
C-Cube is still in terrible pain from the shot to his knee, but Roman
isn't about to stop there as he begins to beat C-Cube's torso with the wooden implement.
C-Cube gets to his feet as Roman beats him, his eyes glazed over, and almost mechanically
reaches out, wrenches the bat out of Roman's hands, and reverses the situation, backing
Roman into a corner and opening a cut above his left eye. Fischetti sees what's going on
and grabs C-Cube from behind and rakes his face across the chain link of the cage.
TETE: C-Cube and Roman are both busted wide open! My God, the carnage!
FLOYD: These guys are killing each other! Look at the Bitch and Remington!
BBB has reached the top of the cage, and Remington has followed him up, and is about to
ascend to the top of the cage. BBB is concentrating on getting Remington to lose his grip,
stomping on his hands, but Remington won't let go. Cyril notices the trouble his brother
is in and exits the cage. Fischetti figures he'd better do something himself, and follows
Cyril out.
Cyril and Fischetti battle on the outside as Remington finally manages to pull himself up
despite receiving a boot to the jaw from BBB. He tackles BBB around the ankles, and the
cage gives a mighty shudder.
FLOYD: Oh, boy, Papa. I don't know about this! Remember the last time there was a USXWF
Hell in a Cell?
TETE: I certainly do, Floyd. I certainly do.
Remington gives BBB an elbow drop, and the cage shudders agin.
Meanwhile, Tibbs and Raye are trading blows on the outside and have worked their way
around to the announce table. Raye is getting the worst of it. Cyril, seeing his teammate
in trouble, abandons his mission of keeping Fischetti off the top of the cage and dives on
top of Tibbs from the side, a good ten foot drop. C-Cube and Roman battle close by, Roman
setting C-Cube on an announce table and preparing to give him Hell from Above, but C-Cube
gives Roman a low blow, then Karmic Debt off the table!
TETE: Karmic Debt! Karmic Debt onto the concrete! Dear God!
Fischetti, meanwhile, reaches the roof and joins BBB in their beating of Remington.
Finally, a powerbomb from Fischetti rips loose a piece of the roof of the cell! Remington
falls twenty feet to the mat in the ring!
TETE: These men are killing on another! Somebody stop the damn match! I'm serious! This is
getting absurdly dangerous! Fun is fun, but these men truly do mean to kill one another!
FLOYD: Papa, you sound more and more like JR every day.
BBB and Fischetti are playing to the crowd, temporarily forgetting about the belts that
are two feet above their heads. Roman is shouting at them to get the belts as he gets to
his feet, recovering from the Karmic Debt he received just moments before. C-Cube is
preparing to nail him with a flying dropkick, but Sharp darts around the corner and pulls
C-Cube down from the table, then hits him with the barbed-wire bat. Cyril comes in to
interfere, but Roman grabs him and keeps him busy with lefts and rights.
C-Cube gets up, but Sharp hits him again. And again. And again. C-Cube's
face is a mask of blood. C-Cube keeps coming, until finally Sharp hits him with the bat,
and C-Cube falls directly into a swing of Tibbs' iron pipe, finally knocking C-Cube out
cold. Sharp and Tibbs pick up C-Cube and motion at Fischetti, who nods evilly as BBB pulls
a container of lighter fluid out of his trenchcoat pocket!
TETE: Lighter fluid?! Oh, no, no, that's going too far!
Raye and Steven suddenly come out of nowhere, and Sharp and Tibbs have to contend with
them. BBB douses Fischetti with the lighter fluid, Fischetti grinning madly and BBB
laughing almost giddily at the dirty deed they're about to perform. BBB tosses the lighter
fluid away and strikes a match. Fischetti approaches the edge of the cage. C-Cube has now
been placed on the Spanish announce table. The commentators move out of the way,
anticipating what comes next.
TETE: No! It's suicide! Suicide, I tell you!
BBB throws the match, and Fischetti is aflame.
Everyone, even those in mid-battle on the ground, pause and observe as the fabulous
flaming Fischetti sails off the roof of the cell towards C-Cube's unconscious form on the
announce table. With a resounding crash, Dino lands directly on top of C-Cube, obviously
breaking the announce table!
TETE: They're both broken in half! And Fischetti is still on fire!Somebody stop the match
right this minute! Harris, what kind of a referee are you?!
Harris rolls his eyes and grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out Fischetti, who is still
grinning madly as he climbs off of C-Cube, then slumps to the floor. EMTs come down to
carry him off. They are about to do the same with C-Cube, but C-Cube sits up and walks
with no assistance towards the cage, then begins to climb it!
TETE: What the hell???!! How is he walking?! How is he living?!
FLOYD: I've never seen anything like this in my life. Ever.
Roman follows C-Cube up, and they meet at the top, where BBB has already grabbed all of
the belts. The bell rings.
TETE: That's it! It's over! Steve Roman and Dirty Deeds have won their titles back!
C-Cube reaches the top and with a primal scream rushes at BBB, who sticks his foot out
nonchalantly and steps aside. C-Cube trips over it and falls headfirst into the hole in
the roof of the cage, landing right on top of Remington!
TETE: That man has taken more pain tonight than anyone, even he, deserves!
This time C-Cube doesn't get up as the EMTs come into the ring to help him. Roman calls
for the rest of the Roman Empire to gather on the roof as the Servants of Shiva gather
around their fallen leader. Roman hands the belts out, then raises his own above his head
in triumph. Fischetti and BBB each take one of his hands and raise it.
TETE: What a triumphant moment! What a PPV! Ladies and gentlemen, tune in to Warbash! What
a show that'll be! Till then-
But it ain't over yet. Tete's farewell message is interrupted as BBB and Dino Fischetti
lower Roman's hands and PROPEL HIM OFF THE ROOF OF THE CELL TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR TWENTY
FEET BELOW!!!!
TETE: What the hell? What in God's name just happened?
Roman is out like a light as BBB and Fischetti embrace, then hand the tag titles to Tibbs
and Sharp, who seem unsure as to what's going on. Then Fischetti gives BBB the heavyweight
title belt and BBB raises it above his head and points to himself, nodding, as the crowd
boos raucously, giving Dirty Deeds the biggest heel heat in USXWF history.
TETE: Oh my God! The Bitch and Fischetti have turned on Steve Roman and ... and ... Floyd,
I think the Bitch is proclaiming himself the champion! How is that possible?
FLOYD: Anything is possible in the USXWF, Papa.
TETE: What is the meaning of this?! What is Steve Roman going to do about it? He may find
he's become a king without a country! How will Sharp and Tibbs react?! And what's the
story on Malice and Spite?! Why did the Court Jester wait so long to make his revelation?
There are more questions after this PPV than any other in our history, and you'll have to
tune in to Warbash to find out the answers!
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